Is it me, or are these friends exploiting us?

[JohnPrescottsPyjamas]

Posted before about this couple who sold their house and wanted to stay in our place whilst we were away on holiday.

We’ve been friends for several years. Great company, charming people, but incredibly disorganised and unable to prioritise their life - not our problem, except they have a habit of offloading their crises onto those around them. Everything is always left to the last minute and I don’t know how they do it, but they manage to get a freebie off someone or get everyone running around after them, whether it’s a friend of a friend offering holiday accommodation, a cheap decorator or last minute dog sitter etc etc. For example, DH ended up doing an exceptionally long airport run for them recently because they didn’t want to take their car, the more convenient local airport didn’t fly on a day that suited them (it was to another freebie overseas apartment) and the lift was presented to him as, “are you still ok to take us to……” which he felt obliged to do as he said he honestly couldn’t remember agreeing to, but felt he couldn’t let them down! No offer of petrol etc, just bought DH a coffee and a cake.

They sold their house, have made a nice profit, now cash buyers and looking to downsize, but they have have not planned where they were going to live, refuse to pay for a short term rental and are essentially sofa surfing until they find somewhere to buy. They’ve dropped great big hints suggesting they could stay with us for around a month whilst they search as we “have the room” as clearly they have outstayed their welcome the other friends they have been staying with. We do have the space, and there is no reason why I should say no, but I’m beginning to feel a bit of a mug.

AIBU to say no as it’s only a month and we’ve been friends for a long time, or is not unreasonable to say no, they need to make their own arrangements?

Or it might be until they find a better offer from a friend with an empty holiday villa although I’m sure they’d tell you when they were coming back to yours.

I’m guessing they’re quite an entertaining, cool couple who everyone wants to be friends with, and they make you feel special to be in their gang. However, when you take a step backwards, you realise all is not quite as it seems.

A very, very valid point - thank you.

I agree, I literally hate asking favours off anyone outside my immediate family, and even then it’s an absolute last resort. I don’t like admitting even to myself that I need help and much prefer to be independent and not rely on others.

There does seem to be an unlimited source of providers in the back pocket too. He was a (very) minor celebrity in years gone by and unashamedly either name drops or refers to it quite regularly.

I hadn’t considered the narcissist tenancies, that is another interesting facet. I grew up with a mother who was definitely NPD, hence my stupid need to people please and avoid confrontation. I think I also have a very strong sense of fairness and I’ve been aware of their blatant exploitation of others, without realising they are doing exactly the same to us, for example the airport run. Most people receiving the lift would at the very least insist that the driver filled the car at the recipients expense, especially on a more than two hour drive. When we arrived, he turned out his pocket of loose change (around £2.40) and said, “Take that for car parking” The drop off charge was £7, which they must have known because they are regular flyers!

OP, you've said somewhere in this post that you could tell us dozens of stories of this couples CF'ism (a new word?). I, for one, would love to hear them, and the more you spread these sort of stories, the more people are likely to recognise them for the CF'ery they are, and not fall for similar themselves. Go on, give us all a laugh at their antics.

I would be absolutely livid at him giving you change like that. It's incredibly disrespectful and I wouldn't want to be friends with them at all after all this.

A bunch of change?
Really?
Could they care any less about you?
Could they possibly have any less respect for you?

I'm cringing for you both.
You sound like such good people whom have made so little of yourselves for them.

That is an excellent post from @elaineyadayada.

She really lays out how abnormal this behaviour is.

It is astonishing that so many have been used by them to such an extent, for so long.

The change example is so belittling and humilating, its unfathomably.

Well done for being so honest in your postings.
I really hope it removes any smidgen of doubt about just how ghastly these low life's are.

The spare change thing sounds like them tipping you.

They really do see you as staff.

When we arrived, he turned out his pocket of loose change (around £2.40) and said, “Take that for car parking”

Honestly, that's appalling. These are appalling people. To be quite frank with you, after that show of disrespect, I wouldn't have any qualms at all about shopping them to all your mutual friends. That is disgusting behaviour from him!

At least staff would receive a salary!

I’m slightly wary of outing - not sure why, but I’m not too comfortable - however, a couple of small examples:

When my now adult DD was a teenager, they often used to ask her to babysit, but never seemed to have the cash to pay her and it was embarrassing having to remind them they owed her money for her time. In the end, DD said she didn’t have the time with her studies when asked.

We were regularly asked to dog sit/cat sit but never enough food left towards the end of their holiday for the animals, so I ended buying extra. Promises were made to reimburse, but again it was awkward having to prompt them for the funds. There was always the excuse of, “Oh, I forgot completely. We’ve been so busy since we got home” (tinkly laugh)

They did offer to reciprocate and look after my dog, but they don’t always bother walking their own on a daily basis, and mine needs regular exercise, so I would rather pay the fee to a proper kennels and know that promises are delivered.

Borrowing equipment on a regular basis too. I never mind lending a couple of times, or so someone can try an item to see if it’s appropriate, but when it’s things that they clearly need themselves, it gets irritating - especially when it either doesn’t get returned, or if I want it back I have to go and collect my own item myself! It would be the same with cooking ingredients/cleaning materials. Borrowed but never replaced.

There is definitely no shortage of funds. They treat themselves to eating out several times a week and to be fair, always split restaurant costs fairly with us when we’re together, so a bit puzzling. It’s the entitlement and apparent unawareness in other aspects of daily life that grate.

I think some people like to be “free spirits” which a certain subset see as being above material things and money- they’d probably suggest that you’re penny-pinching or something if you mention them continually borrowing things, while they themselves are so free-spirited that they don’t even see such issues and certainly wouldn’t have any problem reciprocating- which is easy to say when they never have the item or you never ask to borrow anything!

Well they can't really get away with it on a meal out as they would soon get called out. Disgraceful not to leave enough food for their pets.

Sort of thing teens do. Perhaps they were allowed to get away with it then, and found it works now?

Please don't let them stay.
Tell them straight - write a list - of all the occassions they have used you and all the other people.
You may lose them as 'friends' but frankly are they?

On these occasions I find it helpful to consider the extent of:

a) the relationship - is this your child, parent, sister or brother? Or is it someone from whom you might not be receiving a Christmas card (or even a Christmas text) in ten years time?

b) the need - exactly who, in this complex and socially fractured society, actually needs the help? If @JohnPrescottsPyjamas was desperate to help someone out with accommodation surely it would be far better to give her spare room to a Ukranian refugee in the UK or offer Supported Lodgings to a young adult leaving care. This well-to-do retired couple are anything but a charity case (although don't give them the idea!) and wouldn't be anyone's idea of a good cause.

No one is obliged to give to others, but making donations and volunteering her time to a good cause could be a better use of excess time, money and energy - if she even has any spare in the first place. And it is entirely up to her if she does or not!

Why is it that the vast majority of us find it difficult to ask for money that is owed to us? This is how the CF's of this world get away with it. Just about everyone I know would be really embarrassed to have to ask for money they're owed, so personally I always make a point of keeping some spare cash at home, and in my bag, so that if I owe someone, I am always in a position to pay them there and then, and if by any chance I don't have a bag with me, I always have my phone, so send myself a quick message to remind me.

You're already resenting their behaviour. Letting them move into your home would signal the end of any friendship. Just tell them it's not convenient and that they need to get an Airbnb. You'll be doing them favour, having to fork out for accommodation will focus their minds on finding their new home

Really not nice of them not to pay your teenage daughter for babysitting OP. Pretty outrageous to take advantage of a teenager, and unkind. Personally I would have been done with them at that point, however 'fun' they were.

I agree.
No way anyone would be allowed use and take advantage of my children.

The daughter stood up for herself when her parents clearly didn't.
Really not great at all.

I mentioned it upthread, but I am just going to leave a link to this classic thread here:
... to think this couple are extracting the urine? | Mumsnet

It even has a happy festive ending, if you read to the final post!

OP have you told them they need to move stuff out of your garage yet?

Oh Lord- this is epic! I am just halfway through the OPs posts so far.

I wonder if that OP is still about? I'd love to have a RL update from the years since! Those children must be at university/work by now!

(I wonder which poor sod is now picking the CF's daughter from uni each day).

@BadSkiingMum I have just read all of the OP's posts! So funny 😁 I wonder if she's still on MN

Oh my goodness, I’ve now read through this thread - so, so similar in so many ways.

It seems with these type of people, the attitude is; as you’ve already organised your own life, made the sacrifices and had the inconveniences, you can take on my responsibilities too as saves me having to do the same!