Is it me, or are these friends exploiting us?

[JohnPrescottsPyjamas]

Posted before about this couple who sold their house and wanted to stay in our place whilst we were away on holiday.

We’ve been friends for several years. Great company, charming people, but incredibly disorganised and unable to prioritise their life - not our problem, except they have a habit of offloading their crises onto those around them. Everything is always left to the last minute and I don’t know how they do it, but they manage to get a freebie off someone or get everyone running around after them, whether it’s a friend of a friend offering holiday accommodation, a cheap decorator or last minute dog sitter etc etc. For example, DH ended up doing an exceptionally long airport run for them recently because they didn’t want to take their car, the more convenient local airport didn’t fly on a day that suited them (it was to another freebie overseas apartment) and the lift was presented to him as, “are you still ok to take us to……” which he felt obliged to do as he said he honestly couldn’t remember agreeing to, but felt he couldn’t let them down! No offer of petrol etc, just bought DH a coffee and a cake.

They sold their house, have made a nice profit, now cash buyers and looking to downsize, but they have have not planned where they were going to live, refuse to pay for a short term rental and are essentially sofa surfing until they find somewhere to buy. They’ve dropped great big hints suggesting they could stay with us for around a month whilst they search as we “have the room” as clearly they have outstayed their welcome the other friends they have been staying with. We do have the space, and there is no reason why I should say no, but I’m beginning to feel a bit of a mug.

AIBU to say no as it’s only a month and we’ve been friends for a long time, or is not unreasonable to say no, they need to make their own arrangements?

Just to add: YOU KNOW IT WOULD END UP BEING MORE THAN A MONTH.

(Capitals because yes, I WAS shouting!)

As someone else has said people like this literally laugh about what mugs you are behind your back. They also plan, as you've discovered who they're going to make use of next, and are NEVER the first ones to offer help, they wait until you've told them that someone else has offered you help and then say, 'Oh, I would have done that for you', just to make it look like they're helpful. If the promised help from the other person was then not forthcoming, due to sickness or something, they would suddenly find a reason why they can no longer help either!

I know it's a nice feeling to be able to help people, but sad though it is, we all need to be careful not to be the one who ALWAYS helps the SAME person, without reciprocation, as then at some point, you suddenly realise that instead of being kind, you are actually encouraging these CF's!

You have made a very valid point - thank you.

I had the usual uncomfortable, guilty feeling when I messaged them last night to say that I wouldn’t be hosting them upon their return - but within hours they had made alternative and seamless arrangements to ‘cuckoo’ in someone else’s nest, so they obviously had a back up plan and a section of us lined up ‘just in case’

Omg, freeloading wankers. Say hell no and find some normal friends.

I feel quite sad reading this. I really dislike being treated like staff. But I'm a people pleaser and would stress no end about saying no. I'm glad you have got more balls than me.

Looking forward, will you carry on the friendship, or phase them out? I would do the latter. Life is too short for wealthy freeloaders.

I think I’ll just end up phasing them out.

Their planned house purchase is well out of our immediate area, so it will easier just to let things gradually drop. I feel a bit sad too. When they weren’t after favours, we had a great time together and some good memories. However, there was always some sort of crisis brewing, chaos or ‘a problem’ that they needed us to sort out for them.

I’m definitely also a people pleaser and grew up with a very narcissistic mother, so I always feel I have to be helpful and ‘fix’ everything. This has been a real lesson in toughening up and learning to push back.

I see their allure as they are fun and charming and helping them out gives a warm glow.... Until you start to realise they are taking advantage of you.

I would make a decision the friendship was over for me but just to prevent me having to carry the resentment forever I'd entertain myself asking them day in day out for favours until they snapped.

Phew! I can't tell you how pleased I am that you refused them OP, and as I suspected, someone else already lined up in case you turned them down. Hate people like this, but the trouble is, they do always seem to be charming and fun, however, that's how they get away with it, so watch out for people like this in future. Well done for being strong enough to say NO! It's a skill we all need to learn!

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas

1000% this! ⬆️ Fuck that. They're out of order.

Just to say OP, you sound really lovely.

Spot on comment, OP, you do sound really lovely.

And I speak as someone who "hosted" a random couple in my flat for several months, it's not good and best swerved, however uncomfortable it is to say no.

Thank you - that’s really very kind, but I’m not really! I’ve muttered, swore and grumbled to myself and my immediate family about it, but not had the cojones to stand up for myself and been a bit of a mug.

I’ve really appreciated all the fantastic support from everyone who has posted on this thread. It’s been so reassuring to have it confirmed by 100% of contributors that it’s not me being inflexible or unreasonable about wanting to say no. It’s quite ok to refuse to help when it’s not a genuine crisis.

You’ve all given me some excellent ammunition and empowerment. So much so that when she video whatsapped me a couple of hours ago to tell me they were coming back to the U.K. for a few days in mid June to sort out some paperwork, I felt confident enough to say that she really needs to book a hotel online now as it’s a busy time of the year!

Previously, I would have been offering to put them up without hesitation and then immediately regretting it.

Well done!!

Oh WOW! That's brilliant, OP! Well done you! Looks like those cajones are growing after all. 😂

I'd be saying "Actually, that might work, we've been looking at renting out rooms to get some more cash, I think about £100 per night for our area is the going rate, how long are you thinking? We could call it £500pw mates rates if you'd be happy to chip in with food and and cleaning. It could be fun, you cook Sat-Tues, we'll do Weds-Fri."

Well done.
Once the scales fall from your eyes fully, you can never unsee.
There next visit is the perfect time for them to move their stuff to storage as you need the space.
Otherwise very likely it could go on until they eventually find a property.

So much so that when she video whatsapped me a couple of hours ago to tell me they were coming back to the U.K. for a few days in mid June to sort out some paperwork, I felt confident enough to say that she really needs to book a hotel online now as it’s a busy time of the year!

Haha, good for you! As a pp said, get them to put their stuff in storage then as well. Then wash your hands, maybe do the odd text if they get in touch, but consider yourself rid! I bet if you dropped a few gentle comments about this with your mutual friends, you'd find out a lot of them are at the same place as you are with them.

I'd send a WhatsApp saying that while they're here in June, they will need to move their stuff out of your garage as you need the space.

I would do this too..

I've definitely been guilty of falling foul of CFs but I am way better at setting boundaries now. How dare they clog up your garage. The arrangement was for one month. Tell them to have it removed.

Yes, make it so that if they get in touch, you remind them they still need to do something for you, so it's harder for them to ask for more favours (in theory anyway..) Say if they can't get it transferred to storage when here in July, you'll have to just get rid of it. Warning: if they say 'can you get it moved for us?' ask for the price of it first and don't do anything till you have the money.

At least you've told them. Next step: garage.

I'd be tempted to get harsh and say either they remove it from your property (arranging themselves) or it's on the pavement for grabs.

Fk no

Of course you dó know they will not be in your house for a month but for several months before they find a place of their own, and then some more time before conclusion and sighning the contract. Say no.

I’ve received a message this morning basically saying, no worries, a friend of a friend in France has an available holiday let and they will be relocating there until the end of June! I don’t know who they have tapped for a favour this time, but no doubt they’re happy because they don’t have any rental costs.

I'd take this opportunity to message back an say - oh its so great you alway land on your feet - we never have to worry about you.

Which means its going to be easier and easier to say no to you as you are jammy fuckers that manage to get people to do what you want

Nope,fish and guests always stink after 3 day- God forbid a month.
Why are you honour bound to save them money?
Oh, and when they are settled be sure to ask for some reciprocation.