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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think this couple are extracting the urine?

667 replies

PreviouslyonLost · 18/08/2011 15:55

I work mainly part-time, DH works off-shore. Two DC, no family nearby to help out but we manage. Our eldest DC is due to start Primary School and will only be in until noon for several weeks. To accommodate this I have used the majority of my annual leave or ensured that DH is home. Another couple who live locally and whose eldest DC will be starting school at the same time are now dropping heavy hints that we should help them out by collecting and looking after their child (This would be from noon until @5pm/or 3.30pm until @5pm when going in for full-days).

There has been no direct request (yet) but lots of 'it'll all work itself out' and 'we're all in the same boat' type comments Hmm. The DW of the couple has also commented to me that they could 'drop off their DC in the mornings' at another neighbour's house - a neighbour that otherwise they do not associate with or even speak to but who is a friend of mine.

The other couple are both Primary School teachers and have been off for the Summer Holidays (47 days) ...... so .... AIBU to think that the week before school term resumes in NOT the time to start thinking about childcare, far less make assumptions that other people should take up the slack?

OP posts:
BranchingOut · 18/08/2011 15:56

Well, they haven't explicitly asked so you can just remain impervious to those hints.

whackamole · 18/08/2011 15:56

YANBU to think that. Just be very firm with your 'no'!

HerHissyness · 18/08/2011 15:57

Let them drop all the hints they like! you don't have to do anything you don't want to!

No! is a complete sentence after all!

TimeWasting · 18/08/2011 16:00

Calculate how much that amount of childcare would cost them.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 18/08/2011 16:02

Say NOOO! I wouldn't do it as it would be so restrictive. I loved those first few weeks as when you get home they tell you all about their new friends and what they've done, and if they still got energy you can go out for ice cream or whatever and makes the most of the afternoons until they are full time. I wouldn't want to have to consider someone else's child in that.

I am sure that plenty will come on here and say that's a selfish attitude, but it's you and your childs time together during a transitional period and you probably don't need the stress, especially if your child doesn't adjust well.

Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 18/08/2011 16:08

Thank you for the replies .... gawd MN'ers are fast! I'm such an expert at outraged high-horsey'ness in private, but wobble when I'm asked for 'favours' outright (Wimp/Giver ....take your pick!).

If at any point over the holidays they had offered our DC a play-date or even an hour's chance for me to food shop alone then maybe, just maybe I would have offered to help them out ....

'NO' IS a complete sentence .... repeat to myself ad infinitum Smile.

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 18/08/2011 16:11

'Yes, such a difficult time isn't it. I've had to use all my leave to sort this out, but of course with it being such a sensitive transitional period it's important to get it right, isn't it? I've made sure we have a well worked out schedule for those afternoons to ensure some distraction, and it'll be nice to do some family stuff too. We'll be very busy, in fact' :)

Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 18/08/2011 16:14

TimeWasting ..... overheard the DW yesterday (it was difficult, I was in another conversation at the time Grin) telling (indirect heavy hinting) a parent that her DC 'didn't like the Childminder' anymore ..... The one that they would have to pay to cover the hours outwith school.

OP posts:
Shitter · 18/08/2011 16:17

Don';t even begin to get involved if you don't wanbt to.

In my experience sharing lifts, or looking after other dc becomes a complete and total pain. The dc fall out. or you can't make the school run, or someone is ill. etc

Start how you mean to go on, Smile

Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 18/08/2011 16:18

ShoutyHamster ..... I'm having your post and TimeWasting's No, is a complete sentence printed on a crib sheet that I can refer to when my resolve weakens Grin.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 18/08/2011 16:20

Pity they don't teach at secondary school: their pupils could get GCSEs in Bloody Nerve.

They have marked you out for suckers - prove them wrong.

TheMonster · 18/08/2011 16:24

They haven't asked you so you could be worrying about nothing.

thebeansmum · 18/08/2011 16:24

Feel your pain! You make a decision to suit YOUR family and their needs, the next thing you are being put on by others, so they can carry on their jobs! This happened to DH and I when I stopped working as we really don't have the support in place for holidays/after school etc. It literally started two days after I finished work! 'Could you just pick x up for me, we'll be home in an hour' and it just gathered momentum from there, one day I had three kids (apart from my own) running round the garden, asking for drinks, snacks, ice cream and thought RIGHT, THAT'S IT, NO MORE!! now I just say, sorry it's not convenient. They will quickly get the message. BE STRONG!!

fedupofnamechanging · 18/08/2011 16:29

The heavy hints mean you have a heads up and can practise saying "sorry, I won't be able to do that - we have plans for that week."

EldritchCleavage · 18/08/2011 16:33

If at any point over the holidays they had offered our DC a play-date or even an hour's chance for me to food shop alone then maybe, just maybe I would have offered to help them out ....

Uh oh. They sound like real users. They haven't really bothered with you until it occurred to them they could use you for something. For that reason alone you should not offer to help and should refuse if asked. I rather suspect they won't respect arrangements or boundaries and you will end up resentful and exploited. The hinting game alone would annoy me enormously: what right have they to try and guilt you into anything?

No one becomes a stay at home parent, or takes special leave in these circumstances in order to look after other people's children. The whole point is to be able to give your own lots of exclusive attention. Don't give that up for people who almost certainly would not appreciate it, let alone do the same for you.

Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 18/08/2011 16:38

Andrewofgg .... you are soooo close to the truth it's scary Wink.

BodyofEeyore this IS their usual MO! .... I'm not drip-feeding, want to stick to this topic as there would be a whole raft of AIBU's relating to them in regard to their sense of using other people entitlement tbh.

I would help anyone, often to my own detriment thebeansmum, but this time I really feel aggrieved. Probably due to my own worry that I'll have to politely bluster, feel uncomfortable, and uhmm and errrmmm say no when they do ask me to my face Blush.

OP posts:
Sn0wGoose · 18/08/2011 16:45

No!!!

Because it won't just be a one-off, few-weeks sort of arrangement. It'll be every time one's ill / there's a training day / etc until they're in senior school!!

Verahaspurpletwuntypants · 18/08/2011 16:50

I don't see that you should have to look after their dc. You have made provisions for your dc, who will most likely be tired and worn out in those first few weeks of school, and not particulary want to play with this other child after school.

Repeat "I have a right to say no"

Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 18/08/2011 16:54

Verahaspurpletwuntypants .............. "I have a right to say no" Grin

OP posts:
Chummybud1 · 18/08/2011 16:57

I wouldnt do it either, it could very restricting and a lot of responsibility, what if your child is off school Ill, are you going to still go get their kid, what if your late, enough of worry when running late for own never mind someone else's. It's so easy to agree to these things but can become a problem long term

AndiMac · 18/08/2011 16:58

As others have said, they haven't asked directly. Don't rise to it unless they do. If they do ask directly, you could always reply with something like, "Yes, I'd by happy to look after your DC. My babysitting rate is 10 pounds for every hour". That leaves it for them to say no rather than you.

ExitPursuedByATroll · 18/08/2011 17:01

No. Seems to easy to say, but I know how difficult it can be.

I have this situation with DD and one of her 'friends'. They are both 11 and the mother is very good at dumping child with us. She just turns up on the doorstep now and the mother drives off Angry.

thiswilloutmeinrl · 18/08/2011 17:05

If you don't stop this now it will become and regular thing and very quickly a right royal pain in the arse.

Anyway, why should you have to jump through all kinds of hoops to make it work for your family and they swan in and piggy back that by asking you to "help"

And nothing sours a friendship quicker than having kids foisted on you when you don't really want it (voice of experience)

No. No...... No... practice saying it Wink

Andrewofgg · 18/08/2011 17:46

thiswilloutmeinrl are you in a mixed metaphor competition? OP jumps through hoops, the others swan in and piggyback! :o

Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 18/08/2011 17:49

Humble apologies to HerHissyness .... the originator of 'No! is a complete sentence after all!' ... I wrongly attributed it to another poster Blush.

Thank you for ALL the responses (first AIBU thread, as opposed to posting timidly on others AIBU Grin .... I have girded my loins to be brave and fearless in the face of unrepentantly selfish needy neighbours Grin.

(Tho' I reserve the right to post again in the future on AIBU with other tales about their usual craven behaviour .... Wink.

OP posts:
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