Is it me, or are these friends exploiting us?

[JohnPrescottsPyjamas]

Posted before about this couple who sold their house and wanted to stay in our place whilst we were away on holiday.

We’ve been friends for several years. Great company, charming people, but incredibly disorganised and unable to prioritise their life - not our problem, except they have a habit of offloading their crises onto those around them. Everything is always left to the last minute and I don’t know how they do it, but they manage to get a freebie off someone or get everyone running around after them, whether it’s a friend of a friend offering holiday accommodation, a cheap decorator or last minute dog sitter etc etc. For example, DH ended up doing an exceptionally long airport run for them recently because they didn’t want to take their car, the more convenient local airport didn’t fly on a day that suited them (it was to another freebie overseas apartment) and the lift was presented to him as, “are you still ok to take us to……” which he felt obliged to do as he said he honestly couldn’t remember agreeing to, but felt he couldn’t let them down! No offer of petrol etc, just bought DH a coffee and a cake.

They sold their house, have made a nice profit, now cash buyers and looking to downsize, but they have have not planned where they were going to live, refuse to pay for a short term rental and are essentially sofa surfing until they find somewhere to buy. They’ve dropped great big hints suggesting they could stay with us for around a month whilst they search as we “have the room” as clearly they have outstayed their welcome the other friends they have been staying with. We do have the space, and there is no reason why I should say no, but I’m beginning to feel a bit of a mug.

AIBU to say no as it’s only a month and we’ve been friends for a long time, or is not unreasonable to say no, they need to make their own arrangements?

If you started demanding things from them as they do from you, you wouldn't see them for dust.

CFs often try to normalize their behaviour to those who they are trying to screw things out of. Some of these free holidays could actually be paid for (ie they are lying to you). If they tell you that another friend gave them their apartment for free, it normalises gifting. They probably hope that stories of their freebies makes you feel mean in comparison and pressurises you into being more generous with them.

So glad you are phasing them out. I would contact the post office about the redirect and tell them that it was done without your permission.

Oh you see I don’t see it quite so cynically, I imagine that they probably do enjoy the OP’s company and this means that, if they ever do consider the impact on the OP, they quickly tell themselves that the stays, airport runs and favours are all part of the fun.

Of course - and you must know this yourself. Not to mention all the other freebies they will be taking advantage of.

Users. Freeloaders. Don't be deceived because they are charming people. We had a couple of 'friends' just like that. If you get them in your house, you'll regret it. They will not leave in a month, and you'll end up paying for food, etc etc.

Like others have suggested, say: 'No, this won't work for us.' Repeat this every time they 'hint' at staying with you, and do not precede it with the word 'sorry'.

Brillant!

From a young age my son has responded to my MIL's chronic bossiness with a simple "No, thank you, Granny."

Firm, polite, implacable. It works a treat. Relatives from 8 to 80 were astounded.

OP, next time they carry on about being disorganised, tell them there's Apps for that! Don't get drawn into problem solving. You have done so well in your up dates :)

Say NO but be helpful.
Give them a list of nearby caravan parks.

I find it interesting that you describe them as “disorganized” - leaving things to the last minute “accidentally”. They sound to me like they ARE very strategic and absolutely plan for everyone else to rescue them. They are absolutely rolling in entitlement. I would also send a follow-up message advising them that you would like them to collect the gear you have in your shed before they go to France, and redirect their mail.

I like to help people wherever possible but this is not an emergency, the situation was fully in their control, they did not involve you in any decisions to sell their house so the situation was completely out of your control, and they have the funds to afford temporary accommodation so will not be homeless.

They don’t need help so unless you’d have offered them to be houseguests at this time, dont do it.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas

Well done OP, so easy for people to say, very hard to do.

Remind yourself you are storing their stuff and managing their post. You are doing more than enough so no more favours.

Obviously you should say no!! I can’t believe you’re even asking. They’re piss takers and freeloaders. Say no, be firm, and tell them to book an AirBnB while they house hunt like everyone else has to.

And if they have the gall to turn up on the doorstep with suitcases - turn them away. People like them make my blood boil.

OP I have been reading this with no small amount of recognition and a little bit of amusement as DH has a friend who is very very similar to this. Right down to me recently saying to him that his 'friend' does not see us as peers and equals, but views us as staff.

It's astonishing how some people are just good at getting others to do things for them.

My advice after 18 years of jumping every time DH's friend asked me to do something for him is to simply say 'no'. very straightforward in the end although the first few times I said 'no' I usually had some sort of excuse (often made up on the spot). Now I just say 'No. Not convenient for me'.

It's damaged the friendship but DH is on board and it was not much of a real friendship anyway. It was transactional, but the favours went one way only. He only contacts us if he wants something. (I warned DH yesterday that I think the next suggestion will be that we act in loco parentis for their son who they want to attend a boarding school near us and 4 hours from them.)

Hi OP

I wonder whether it would help you to see their behaviour and tactics as fairly aberrant psychologically. You sound empathetic and polite as does your husband. But IMO ‘normal’ IE high to well functioning adults don’t behave like this. Normally functioning adults (IE those who don’t assume their own needs are more important than other people’s inconvenience, assume they are entitled to endless favours with no interest or awareness of repaying these favours and who trample boundaries) would - in my experience- rather chew off their own hand than inconvenience a friend or lean on them WHEN THERE IS NO REASON TO. (With a bit of organisation) For most adults I know it is a point of pride to be able to run one’s life adeptly. Friendships are treasured and attempts are made to protect those friendships from strain.
I know that the term narcissism is in vogue and thrown around at lot at the moment but several things you said made me think of this about your friends. The ‘poor me / us’ aspect / silly us over countless occasions (a trait of covert narcissism), the superficial quality of charm which can be great fun to be around and the sense of entitlement. Last, the seemingly Teflon ability to be able to see how their request or actions might impact others… Just a thought. But I do think it might help to remember that this is not normal behaviour and therefore question why you are allowing yourself to participate.

You sound like a good friend. Save your favours help and care for people who can reciprocate and value your kindness.

Last on the organisation front - ask yourself do you think if they were told they had to pick up their lottery winnings in a 45 minute window or risk losing them - they would be motivated to do so? I think if you can envisage that they would be able to organise this, then what you have in their present behaviour therefore are conscious or unconscious choices. Don’t discount that they may well get a certain Machiavellian thrill from the power of exploitation. Another aspect that if you are a more normally functioning adult it is hard to comprehend!

Say no!
Years ago a woman I knew wanted to move into my house with her husband and three sons. At the time, only my daughter and I lived there. It had to be 'No'. That was the end of the friendship.

OMG they see you as 'staff'!

Everyone deliberately tripping over themselves to be nice and polite ... To people who are not nice or polite.

Remember it should always be about mutual respect and interest and it's ok to say no.

Do not do that.
I have a friend whom had a big falling out with her brother/mother over this a couple of years ago.

She rarely saw her golden brother except for weddings and funerals and her own 3 children are reared at university, working etc..

Her brother and his wife took a posting abroad and wanted to send their two boys to a school 20 minutes from her.

She doesn't really know the children as the family is not close, and told him under no circumstances was her name to be in any way involved when he asked.

She has reared her own and he had never shown even a modicum of interest in them over the past 25 years.

They sent the boys anyway and two weeks in she gets a call from the school about something not serious.
She was furious. She put the school very straight on her complete non involvement.

Her mother was upset with her for being "difficult over this" and she put her mother very firmly in her place over her golden boy.

She has barely seen her mother since and blocked her entitled brother after he rang her "appalled at her selfishness".

This has coincided with her retirement.
She wishes she had done the above 20 years ago, she has never felt better.

Her mother has tried to smooth things over but she has had a lifetime of this and as a retirement gift to herself she has zero intention in being involved with her mother beyond a phone call every few months.

It's taken 60 years but she is done.

Your 'staff' comment has reminded me of one of my father's jokey retorts - "What did your last servant die of?", said with a smile.

Could be one to pull out as required.

These people aren't friends and they don't have friends, they see people as opportunity's and flavours.

They are just plain old users and hop from one to another, I don't think they would particularly care if you dropped them as they would be on to the next in a heartbeat.

This thread has reminded me of a time I volunteered locally. One of the other volunteers (although I think k she was paid) was very lovely and charming. All her children were at private school, amazing out of school clubs and a husband in a high flying role and very very well paid. From privileged backgrounds too.

however they also went from crisis to crisis, not least because he wasn’t regularly paid (which was very odd). Problems with the car - fixed for free, free holidays to exotic high end locations, friends jumping in to save the day for various things around the home.

from an outsiders perspective (I had nothing to offer so wasn’t useful!) I could see what was happening and it always made me chuckle. I couldn’t ever figure out if they had something amazing special about them (I certainly never hard about them doing favours for others) or they were just incredibly manipulative.

really fascinated me and I think some of the strong friendships that they had have ended because of it.

I would actually laugh at them and say “god no! I would hate it! That would be the end of our friendship!” To leave them in no doubt.

I don’t know how they do it, but they manage to get a freebie off someone or get everyone running around after them

It’s obvious how they do it. Anyone who says No to them they have ditched over the years, meaning the friends. left are the ones who allowed themselves to be sponged off. It’s no mystery. They’ve selected for friends like you.

A small part of me is impressed with their brass nerve.

Hoping they sod off now and take their stuff out of the garage whilst they're at it.

I absolutely agree. No, there is no way we would take that on. It would be sold as 'in an emergency could you....' and would end up being weekends and exeats. I've got 2 of my own, the older teen with additional needs who is about to enter GCSE levels and we have quite enough on our plate!

I am glad your friend said 'no' finally. It's liberating. And it's quite funny how some people really really do not like being told 'no'. It's good for them.

Wow! The brass neck of some people! Well done for seeing the light. What did she say to your comment about booking a hotel for June? I wouldn’t be surprised if the just phone you from the airport begging because their hotel “fell through”. Though perhaps they’ll have found someone else to serve them by then.

This!
You'd be stuck with the freeloaders for months, and you know they wouldn't contribute to bills.