Is it me, or are these friends exploiting us?

[JohnPrescottsPyjamas]

Posted before about this couple who sold their house and wanted to stay in our place whilst we were away on holiday.

We’ve been friends for several years. Great company, charming people, but incredibly disorganised and unable to prioritise their life - not our problem, except they have a habit of offloading their crises onto those around them. Everything is always left to the last minute and I don’t know how they do it, but they manage to get a freebie off someone or get everyone running around after them, whether it’s a friend of a friend offering holiday accommodation, a cheap decorator or last minute dog sitter etc etc. For example, DH ended up doing an exceptionally long airport run for them recently because they didn’t want to take their car, the more convenient local airport didn’t fly on a day that suited them (it was to another freebie overseas apartment) and the lift was presented to him as, “are you still ok to take us to……” which he felt obliged to do as he said he honestly couldn’t remember agreeing to, but felt he couldn’t let them down! No offer of petrol etc, just bought DH a coffee and a cake.

They sold their house, have made a nice profit, now cash buyers and looking to downsize, but they have have not planned where they were going to live, refuse to pay for a short term rental and are essentially sofa surfing until they find somewhere to buy. They’ve dropped great big hints suggesting they could stay with us for around a month whilst they search as we “have the room” as clearly they have outstayed their welcome the other friends they have been staying with. We do have the space, and there is no reason why I should say no, but I’m beginning to feel a bit of a mug.

AIBU to say no as it’s only a month and we’ve been friends for a long time, or is not unreasonable to say no, they need to make their own arrangements?

I'm a real fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, kinda gal.

Sometimes CF's can catch you off guard, but no way twice.

Once I get a whiff of eau de CF, that's it......and I've never been shy about naming names either.
Fore warned is fore armed....

Mind you nothing even approaching what the OP has been dealing with.

Well done you.

Jesus, no! Stick to a boundary on this one. You don’t need to justify yourself or be apologetic - a polite but firm no!

You’ve done enough with the free airport run and the free storage. You don’t have to do any more. They can afford an air bnb or they are resourceful enough to find something else. They might sound disorganised but actually they sound very resourceful in getting so many freebies and deals.

I repeat, you’ve done enough. Your conscience should be clear.

And when they are over in June maybe they can remove their stuff from your garage as you need that space for a project you are planning...?

a month would become more like 3-6 months or longer if they havent even started to look for somewhere to buy. Definately say no. I know folk like this who are thick skinned and savvy,,,, they cast out the net and see what they can get through goodwill to save a few pounds (using manupulation and expectation to reel folk in).

Just say its not possible unfortunately. Dont give details or explainations and dont apoligise.

From all you've said it wot be a month anyway. Bugger off entitled CFs who freeload off other people.

If you enable this it will not be good for your self esteem
you will feel,better once you have set boundaries round the situation don’t you will feel better after you have made your position clear
don’t be a people pleaser

These so called friends sound like such users! I think you should send your car to the garage a few days before their trip and tell them there's something wrong with it! Or your husband should 'have a migraine'. The cheek of booking a far away airport and expecting to have a free chauffeur. Gobsmacked at the cheek of them with all of it!!!!! Don't feel guilty with them ever again OP and stay strong as you have been. They aren't your responsibility.

I’m wondering if perhaps half of it (“it” being these unending favours & free holidays from “…a friend of a friend…”) are actually true?? Or perhaps they are true but not actually free at all! They claim they are though, as they believe it makes acquaintances like you, feel compelled to ‘join in’ on the freebie giving?!?
Just an idea…. Maybe I’m just unable to understand that anyone could be as brazen!

Well, OP, this thread made me take the usual step of reading through the entire thread as I was fascinated to learn about the total cheeky-fuckery of your so-called 'friends'!

Firstly, absolute kudos to you for waking up and smelling the roses. This couple are acting like the entitled brats they've learned works for them every, single time.

You already spotted it when you said "One had very wealthy parents and a privileged background, along the lines of colonial upbringing, servants, boarding/finishing school, bank of mother and father ... perhaps this is the actual issue? A sense of entitlement and having someone else running around after them" .... 💯 % and YOU no longer need to be part of 'Team Enabler'!

Step back, without a moment of guilt, and let them fall flat on their faces (in the unlikely event that ever happens) as they need to learn the world owes them nothing.

And whoever suggested there needs to be a Cheeky Fuckers forum ... genius 😂 😂

I think what I’ve found absolutely fascinating - and we were part of it too - how they have a whole ‘stable full’ of willing participants!

They always seem to know someone who can get them a good deal, has a contact in the business, friends of friends who happen to have an available holiday let, old school friends who are professionals who give them a discount on fees etc. Apart from the cost of a LoCo flight, I honestly don’t think they’ve ever paid for a holiday as they always stay in someone else’s property or with them in their home.

They've never been backward in coming forward either. If someone mentions they have a particular skill or qualification, they will retain that info immediately and call on those people again for a favour, even if they hardly know them or only met them once.

Maybe that’s what being born with money and entitlement brings you? Plus an expectation that someone else will always pick up the pieces and do the boring menial admin side of life.

I’m not heroic or particularly nice, but I just don’t have the brass neck to ring up someone up I’ve only met once and ask how much discount or they can give me or would they consider providing a service free?

Within the family, we’ve laughed in the past about how blatant their CFery is with others; until it occurred to me just how manipulated we’ve been too!

OP, you are all their 'staff'.

Don't say sorry, say NO

They're very strange. I'd be so tempted to tell them to piss off.

How do people have the brass neck to exploit people like this?!
I’d hazard a guess that you wouldn’t see them for dust if you kept refusing their requests.

Thank you for such an entertaining and enlightening thread @JohnPrescottsPyjamas- it takes courage to put yourself out there and reflect on your experiences with such insight and good humour! I'd love to find out what you do/what happens next, but whatever, I wish you a successful detaching!

It’s actually been rather cathartic for me too. When I’ve sat down and reflected back on all the instances and incidents, it’s dawned on me what an unusual life they lead and yes, I think we are treated rather like staff!

I could tell you so many stories of entitlement over the years that were wrapped up in what I thought was me doing a favour for friends, but realising I was just doing their bidding and taking the pressure off them to be organised and continuing to enable their learned helplessness. Me, and no doubt other friends of theirs, have conveniently saved them so much money over the years - despite the fact they are possibly worth far more than we are, but want everything free or as cheap as possible.

OP, don't fall out with them or get into it with them.
No point after all this time.
Just be unavailable on a loop.
Far more effective.

Keeps you in the loop with mutual friends.
You can casually raise your eyes to heavy with a wry smile.

You can always discreetly say that you are so so fond of them but really hadn't time for the constant stream of requests and favours as life is too busy.....all said with a smirky smile.
So effective.

You might find you are not alone in your view!

That's why they have more cash...

Sounds like they have plenty of cash for an air b and b. A weekend, maybe. A month, no.

No. Hard no. Treat house guests like fish - after three days they start to go off.
That said, there are some people that would make this work. I suspect (& you KNOW OP) that these particular friends are not those people.

Do they ever do anything to help you ? Not that friendships should be based solely on reciprocal favour counting but it seems as if they take and never give. Just say no - I went on an assertiveness training course years ago and the advice was to say no without any polite excuse - the example given was that if you tell a friend you can't lend them money because you've no cash on you, they will then offer to drive you to the bank - so you have to just say 'no I am not doing that ' - you might risk the friendship but it's more that there is no friendship there

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas I would also say, don’t be afraid to leave ‘space’ in a conversation or fill it with a non-sequitur.

CF: ’We’re going to stay in Malaga with Billy and Gilly but will need somewhere to leave our car off-road while we’re away’

Pause

You: ‘The weather will be fantastic in June. Be sure to pass on my regards to Billy and Gilly.’

I was at uni and good friends with a girl whose dad had a big shot job. We used to go out to the pub and I’d always get the first round in. It dawned on me in our third year that I also always got the last round in. I’m not someone who usually keeps score, but once I’d seen that I couldn’t unsee it. She was minted and I was not at all, but she let me pay faaaar more towards our social lives than she contributed.

Didn’t offer much in kind (chores, loan of clothes, cooking meals at home, that sort of thing) either, to be honest. Compared to our flatmates.

@JohnPrescottsPyjamas

Ah, the privileged background and sense of entitlement explains a lot,

The fact that they were great company means nothing. It's all a highly polished act honed over years to suck "marks" in and boy are they good at it!!

Gotta admire their absolute gall and the expertise of how they have managed this but please remember their loveliness was all all an act and actually they feel absolutely nothing for you or anyone else.