Upset with friends behaviour on my hen do

[KelH93]

I’ve recently returned from my hen weekend. It was generally a lovely time but the behaviour of one of my friends has left a sour taste and I don’t really know how to handle things now.

I will try to summarise the main things but basically, she appeared in a mood for the majority of the weekend and this was picked up on by others.

-Moaning about the standard of accommodation (it was a 4 star hotel which everyone else was happy with - more than done the job)

-Unhappy with one of the restaurant choices - repeatedly moaning about it in advance (she still found something to eat)

-One of my friends had a drunken ‘fumble’ with someone on the first night. My friend spent the following days lunch lecturing her and telling her that she must be unhappy in her relationship and asking how she’ll cope with the guilt. Just really unnecessary and made my friend very uncomfortable.

-Telling me repeatedly that getting married means I will be saying goodbye to my sex life (she has never been married herself!)

-We all had bikini bottoms which spelt out a message with the intention of getting a photo and she refused to be in it as she didn’t feel body confident (she knew in advance this was going to happen).

I didn’t say anything to her whilst away and I asked my other friends to be diplomatic as I didn’t want a big row to ruin the weekend.

Now we are home, I feel like I should say something but I’m struggling with how to approach it. Do you think I should just leave it or am I right to bring it up? Obviously it risks a row…

Yep. For a start, there is a massive variance in “four star” hotels.

Exactly this.
Plus she probably spent a lot of money going to be judged by the other girls and her so called friend.

No offence but late 20s/early 30s is a bit late to be messing about with 'drunken fumbles' .

I get the feeling that the OP and her mates think they are pretty fit and girls about town/having a laugh and the other girl is a touch more mature.

The whole holiday sounds horrific to me.

Honestly the fact you called cheating a drunken fumble is a red flag imo. I have friends who seem to think a night out is a free pass and will grind and dance sexually with guys and get up to all sorts and I find it so disrespectful to their other half’s. So I’m on your friends side with that.

Also the bikini photo is a a bit 50/50 I would probably do it for a laugh and because I know I have a good bum. But I definitely wouldn’t hold it against someone if they weren't comfortable doing it.

Yes, that was my outfit of choice when I was clubbing in the eighties and nineties 🙄

Honestly, I think I would be too based on those two points

It would annoy me too but I've RTFT now.

Bridezilla incoming…..

It's nothing to do with age. My arse and legs are better now than when I was in my 20s.

Christ I’m pleased I’m not in my 20s any more!

I’m in my 40s with a child - I would happily ‘parade around the pool’ (really? Parading? Or just walking from sun lounger to bar?) in a thong bikini as I have a bum I am proud of. That doesn’t mean I want my cheeks included in an group photo to be included on social media for hundreds, if not thousands, to see.

I think you need to review your standards of cheating - even if they didn’t have sex (but of course they didn’t 🙄) they weren’t just talking about cloud formations and their favourite power ranger, were they? Your friend cheated on her other half - if it was the other way round there would be outrage and cries of “LTB”

Yes, your friend was a bit insufferable when it came to her standards but as a group I think you all need to review your own behaviour before yiu criticise.

This is exactly where I'm at. Sorry OP but if you'd not included the bikini bottoms scenario, you'd see a different result on here. It really is shallow.

Edited to add and the drunken fumble.

😆 🤣

I have a lot of sympathy for the friend. She probably felt a lot of peer pressure to agree to the photo but then wasn’t comfortable in the end. There is no way in hell I would have done that in my 20s or 30s - I was and am perfectly happy with my bum, but it’s grim and objectifying to have it lined up in a row with others to post online.

The cheating is awful and I would have been very unhappy to be in a group where that is going on. It wasn’t a ‘fumble’ which minimises this- it was some kind of sexual cheating in a bedroom. And then seeing the cheater’s other half at the wedding would make me feel complicit… grim. I would also be unhappy spending time with others who are unbothered about it.

She shouldn’t have complained about the food and hotel, but I also have sympathy for this if they were tacky and she had spent a lot of money to come to your hen do and support you.

I get the feeling that you and your friend are very different people. I wonder if she will be reconsidering the friendship if you and your friends were a bit tacky with all of this? It would be wrong to say anything to her and I would let that go and reflect on it a bit more.

The problem with the word 'slag' is it is very much associated with only women. Very rarely will a cheating man be called a 'slag'. That's the issue I have with its use. No such thing as a 'slag' IMO*.

*Unless referring to steelworks.

I loved my hen do, and I think my hens did too: no tacky stuff, no penis straws, no strippers, no tantrums. Escape room, cocktails, dinner, piano bar. People did their own thing when they wanted to, and everyone got on. Perfect.

I think leave it but maybe avoid going on similar holidays / other people's hen dos with her until you hear her talk about what it was like for her. That's on the basis that the behaviour was specific to that situation and couldn't be an issue in your everyday interactions.

I assume the friend who did sexual stuff with someone knows how to order an STI test at the relevant time.

I'd consider if the difficult friend might have a history of sexual assault and the lecturing was an inappropriately controlling way to reduce the likelihood of the hen do turning into a sex party / her being encouraged to do sexual stuff with a random person.

I wouldn’t say anything to your friend. It is obvious you and her have different values and had different expectations of this trip. I think a lot of us would have been put off by some of what happened. Just don’t travel with her anymore.

I actually commend her for calling out the cheater. If she wanted the freedom to have a “drunken fumble” without judgment or consequences, she should have made sure she was single before she did it. It’s possible that her complaints/bad mood had a lot to do with the behaviors of some of the others. As far as the bum pics, she can change her mind at any point. She can be ok with wearing a thong and find a group pic of words spelled across your bikini bottoms distasteful. It probably sounded ok to her but when it came time to do it, she realized she wasn’t ok with it.

Wow there’s some awful replies. I’m 46 and would have done a bikini pose in my twenties. Not a chance now!! But equally there are some women who would never do it and some who would rock it in their 40/50/60’s etc the op based her answer on how she feels.

Op your ‘friend’ sounds like a fun sponge, for some reason she was unhappy and decided to spoil everyone else’s fun. If she didn’t want to do the bikini bottoms she needed to say at the messages point not refuse on the day.

You could ask her if anything was bothering her as she seemed unhappy on the hendo. But I wouldn’t be confrontational as she will likely get defensive .

or you could re evaluate the friendship, is she as good a friend as you thought. Is there other incidents where she has been a crappy friend, is the friendship not worth the effort.

I suspect that the OP won't need to reavaluate the friendship, as the other friend has already done that 😆

Don’t blame her on the bikini bottom thing.

Maybe her misery was brought on by jealousy.

id just ask her why she was so unhappy while you were away and take it from there.

Your friend is just jealous

Why is this always trotted out if you question someone's moral compass?

Jealous because a friend is getting married? Jealous because a friend had a roll in bed with a stranger when drunk? Jealous because her friends don't mind their arses posted on insta? - nay, relish the thought.

Can't it just be that she's disappointed with the whole scenario?
I would say that's more likely than jealousy.

I’m mid 30s (which I guess puts me at middle aged!) and have had multiple kids and my arse is absolutely banging thanks.

I wouldn’t be in a lame Instagram pic of a bunch of drunk girls arses because it’s performative and unoriginal. The picture won’t look anywhere near as good as you think it will.

I would be really uncomfortable with someone I’m on vacation with cheating on their husband. Does everyone need to lie to him now? It lowers the moral tone of the group.

Maybe she was moody because you were saying crass, ageist things, and your pal was cheating on her husband?

In short, grow up, someone was in a mood on your hen. The world doesn’t revolve around you.

Your friend sounds very jealous and I wouldn't have much more to do with her

When people are a bit judgy they're the very opposite of jealous.

Clearly we should all post photos of our peachy arses clad in bikini bottoms that say HENZILLA on one buttock and DRUNKEN FUMBLE on the other.,

If you're upset with her behaviour over the hotel/food/ sex comments, then why can't you understand she can upset with things that bother her too? I think her reasons are quite legitimate.

She might have been worrying about the bikini thing so much it's dictated what she thought she could eat, you don't know what goes on in peoples heads when it comes to looks and confidence. I'd happily wear a bikini around my friends but if they wanted a photo? Nah. And one with someone that's cheated on the other half whilst away, sounds even worse.

And as for the fumble - good for her for calling someone out on it. A friend with morals, that's a friend I'd want to have.

It would help to read all my posts - I meant no offence and know that will also be me one day!

So you think one day you'll have a saggy arse. But you won't mind people referring to you as part of the saggy arse band of middle aged women.
Cool.