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Original poster

Upset with friends behaviour on my hen do

524 replies

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 14:45

I’ve recently returned from my hen weekend. It was generally a lovely time but the behaviour of one of my friends has left a sour taste and I don’t really know how to handle things now.

I will try to summarise the main things but basically, she appeared in a mood for the majority of the weekend and this was picked up on by others.

-Moaning about the standard of accommodation (it was a 4 star hotel which everyone else was happy with - more than done the job)

-Unhappy with one of the restaurant choices - repeatedly moaning about it in advance (she still found something to eat)

-One of my friends had a drunken ‘fumble’ with someone on the first night. My friend spent the following days lunch lecturing her and telling her that she must be unhappy in her relationship and asking how she’ll cope with the guilt. Just really unnecessary and made my friend very uncomfortable.

-Telling me repeatedly that getting married means I will be saying goodbye to my sex life (she has never been married herself!)

-We all had bikini bottoms which spelt out a message with the intention of getting a photo and she refused to be in it as she didn’t feel body confident (she knew in advance this was going to happen).

I didn’t say anything to her whilst away and I asked my other friends to be diplomatic as I didn’t want a big row to ruin the weekend.

Now we are home, I feel like I should say something but I’m struggling with how to approach it. Do you think I should just leave it or am I right to bring it up? Obviously it risks a row…

OP posts:
Changingplace · 23/05/2025 07:46

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 17:34

I haven’t downplayed it, and there was no ‘shagging’ involved

Show quote history

How can you know this? I’d not be downplaying someone in a relationship on a hen do sharing a bed with some random bloke.

If this happened on a stag do and the groom was downplaying it everyone would be up in arms, what’s with the double standards?

WayneEyre · 23/05/2025 08:01

houwseevryweekend · 23/05/2025 01:28

@KelH93The amount of judgement you’ve had here for the bikini bottoms is cringe, so well done for biting back. It’s pathetic that on a site for women and by women there’s still shaming of how other women choose to enjoy their bodies. And I had to laugh at posters calling you tactless for your comments - if you dish it out you have to take it! Don’t apologise ever for what you enjoy - I hope you have many more bikini bottom shots in your life.

Your friend is just jealous - hence the snide comments on sexless marriages. Every group has one envious misery guts and you slowly realise you’re not all going to be friends for life. Also unless someone is my priest, parent, therapist, boss, DH or best friend - their lectures on what I do on a night out are unwanted and unsolicited. She just wanted to stick the boot in and create a negative mood the entire trip.

Ignore her, put distance in as no doubt other friends will soon do and enjoy your wedding!

A woman must be just jealous!! It's taken a while but we got there with the mandatory hard of thinker's reasoning!!

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 23/05/2025 08:24

In terms of the restaurant, was it just not to her taste or is she vegan/coeliac/allergies and couldn't enjoy a meal or enjoyed something very modest compared to everyone else? If it's taste she's bu but if it's as above I think that's different.
The bikini - sounds fine and she was being quite unreasonable to say she was OK then not OK
The friend and the 'drunken fumble' - to be fair I wouldn't feel comfortable with that either.

Changingplace · 23/05/2025 08:34

WayneEyre · 23/05/2025 08:01

A woman must be just jealous!! It's taken a while but we got there with the mandatory hard of thinker's reasoning!!

Show quote history

Agreed, such a childish statement to automatically claim any women with an opinion is jealous, so dull.

Bikergran · 23/05/2025 08:36

Just accept she's a moody cow, and do NOT give her a role in your wedding, you don't want a bridesmaid like that. No point talking to her, she'll just get in a strop.

neverbeenskiing · 23/05/2025 08:44

Bournetilly · 22/05/2025 15:08

She knew about it in advance so why didn’t she tell them she wasn’t going to be in the photo? They could have used a shorter word, had 2 letters on one pair of bikini bottoms etc.

No way would I be in a photo like this but I would tell them in advance.

Saying she "knew it was going to happen" isn't the same as saying she agreed to it. It can be really difficult when someone suggests something (or just informs everyone it's happening!) on a hen do group chat to be the only one saying "actually i don't want to do that". This is why so many people drop out of hen dos at the eleventh hour. Why would you put your friends on the spot like that in the first place? Maybe she thought she'd be able to grit her teeth and get through it but on the day just couldn't face it. Either way, I don't think ruining someone's tacky photo op is a crime worth losing a friendship over.

Renabrook · 23/05/2025 08:50

houwseevryweekend · 23/05/2025 01:28

@KelH93The amount of judgement you’ve had here for the bikini bottoms is cringe, so well done for biting back. It’s pathetic that on a site for women and by women there’s still shaming of how other women choose to enjoy their bodies. And I had to laugh at posters calling you tactless for your comments - if you dish it out you have to take it! Don’t apologise ever for what you enjoy - I hope you have many more bikini bottom shots in your life.

Your friend is just jealous - hence the snide comments on sexless marriages. Every group has one envious misery guts and you slowly realise you’re not all going to be friends for life. Also unless someone is my priest, parent, therapist, boss, DH or best friend - their lectures on what I do on a night out are unwanted and unsolicited. She just wanted to stick the boot in and create a negative mood the entire trip.

Ignore her, put distance in as no doubt other friends will soon do and enjoy your wedding!

I am starting to realise women accuse men of never growing up and acting immature, yet I often see posts that make me think there are some women who are just as childish, now of course I wouldn't dare say that about your post just any post in general that uses the 12yo 'their just jealous' line

But if anyone went on a stag night and someone cheated the men who knew would be told to the call he cheater out on it and his partner MUST BE TOLD immediately

I will leave the expecting someone to have a photo of their arse for some mature photo alone as I think my head may explode on that one

TiredMummma · 23/05/2025 09:02

Some people just wake up wrong. Your friend cheated on their partner which would make anyone uncomfortable, she might have had a crap room and the bikini bottoms thing is fairly horrible, would opt out of that too.

queenMab99 · 23/05/2025 09:28

Where your friend went wrong, was to go on a hen weekend. They always sound dreadful, and bring out the worst in everybody.

Wexone · 23/05/2025 09:34

"-We all had bikini bottoms which spelt out a message with the intention of getting a photo and she refused to be in it as she didn’t feel body confident (she knew in advance this was going to happen)."
This is just EWE 😱Just rank now
No that does not happen on hen parties
I would love to hear her side of the story

PurpleDiva22 · 23/05/2025 09:45

I'd be rightly pissed off that people's lasting memory of my hen was the night my friend cheated on her partner.

I don't think you should say anything. The moaning is annoying but should have been addressed at the time.

MrsSunshine2b · 23/05/2025 09:50

There's nothing wrong with the bikini bottoms photo but you may have forgotten that here on Mumsnet, we wear buttoned-to-the neck blouses which we purchased from a charity shop or an ethically sustainable small business, even in the hottest weather. A cloth sack with holes cut for head and arms is also acceptable. A diamante bikini is worse than genocide, according to Mumsnet.

Your friend sounds very jealous and I wouldn't have much more to do with her.

I'd swerve the cheater for a bit too.

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 23/05/2025 10:00

I think that this could all be summed up very quickly.

“My friend had different opinions to me and I didn’t like it because it was my Hen do and therefore I thought she should agree with me whilst also shelling out loads of money.
Also, I missed out on my Instagram posts.”

Happy to help.

GoodWorkSally · 23/05/2025 10:50

I've yet to see a post about an away hen do that was amazing. It's always drama

That's if they ever get off the ground. A couple of people I know have had to cancel as the numbers attending dwindled and dwindled over the preceding months.

KT1113 · 23/05/2025 11:00

I'd have definitely mentioned someone cheating on their partner, I would perhaps have said in jest about no sex life after marriage (depends on the context of her delivery), I wouldn't have moaned about the restaurant or hotel unless I'd been the one to book it.

But expecting someone to parade their arse for you in a photo and being annoyed that they won't comply is weird. sorry

Catwoman8 · 23/05/2025 11:04

MrsSunshine2b · 23/05/2025 09:50

There's nothing wrong with the bikini bottoms photo but you may have forgotten that here on Mumsnet, we wear buttoned-to-the neck blouses which we purchased from a charity shop or an ethically sustainable small business, even in the hottest weather. A cloth sack with holes cut for head and arms is also acceptable. A diamante bikini is worse than genocide, according to Mumsnet.

Your friend sounds very jealous and I wouldn't have much more to do with her.

I'd swerve the cheater for a bit too.

I am not one of those people, I have no issue with the bikini (albeit its tacky and attention seeking) , but agreeing to wear the bikini is different from having a photo taken in it and it being plastered all over SM.

I also don't think it's very common like OP suggests, I have never seen anything like this on SM, seen lots of matching Tshirts/Hoodies on hen doos, but not bikini bottoms spelling a word. I'd love to know what the word was!

Disturbia81 · 23/05/2025 11:20

Events like this should have everyone making a special effort to be positive and in a good mood.

cremebruleee · 23/05/2025 11:20

I've yet to see a post about an away hen do that was amazing. It's always drama

I have actually been on an abroad hen do that was really good! It was even in Benidorm! No diamanté bums and cheating in sight though! Decent hotel, ok food and a nice time with friends. We aren’t chavs though, probably makes a big difference.

paradisecircus · 23/05/2025 11:28

Sorry not read everything & only replying to OP. It sounds as if your friend didn't really want to go on the hen do and should have been more assertive about that instead of going along and openly having a miserable time. So I think it's on her to some extent. Luckily a hen do is a one off (you won't need to go on holiday with her again) so maybe you could chalk it up to experience and let it go. Or have a talk with her where you make it clear how you felt but give her a chance to put her side too. She might be feeling a bit embarrassed about it all.
Sympathise with her about the bikini bottoms thing though, especially if she felt there was pressure to do it. I wouldn't want to do that either.

Greypanda86 · 23/05/2025 11:34

ThirstyFruit · 22/05/2025 14:56

You sounded reasonable enough till the bikini bottoms bit. What are you saying, your friend shouldn’t have come on your hen do unless she was body confident enough to wear a specific pair of bikini bottoms for a themed photo op? Because she knew in advance and should have gone on a crash diet or an exercise regime or something?

She could have said beforehand and the message cooks have been changed so that her bikini bottoms weren’t included

GoodWorkSally · 23/05/2025 12:17

I haven’t downplayed it, and there was no ‘shagging’ involved

Were you there?

Kbroughton · 23/05/2025 12:18

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 16:50

It would help to read all my posts - I meant no offence and know that will also be me one day!

Show quote history

But everyone is telling you that it was offensive. Not meaning it is neither here nor there. Once you have said something, and multiple people have said that it was an unkind thing to say, the right thing to do is reflect and apologise. (additionally, it isnt accurate, as you have also been told. You dont automatically get a 'saggy arse' after having kids, so you also sound a little silly) The fact that you just keep defending it shows the kind of emotional intelligence you have, and suggests that the hen night issue is not one sided....

ThirstyFruit · 23/05/2025 13:05

Greypanda86 · 23/05/2025 11:34

She could have said beforehand and the message cooks have been changed so that her bikini bottoms weren’t included

Show quote history

It’s embarrassing that you think this is a perfectly reasonable solution. Maybe the friend thought her actual presence at her friend’s hen weekend was more important than whether she was planning to participate in a bikini bottoms arse photoshoot.

I’m struggling to imagine an averagely intelligent working adult in their late 20s or early 30s thinking ‘Double check AL allowance for hen. Finish project X and hand on to manager. Arrange pet sitter. Pack. Get out passport. Double-check flight time. Oh, and provide advance warning to Helen to arrange for one less arse in her BOTTOMS AHOY FOR CHLOE’S HEN DO!!! photo opp.’

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 23/05/2025 13:15

She sounds like she just has a different approach to life, I'd 100% be out of the bikini bottoms, not a chance in hell you're photographing my bum, and some people may think that's a bit tacky. I know lots of hen dos that are more "afternoon tea and spa" than "drinking and clubbing". I think it's very hard to find one that suits all friends, and possibly this really didn't suit her but she still felt she had to go. I think a lot of times I've thought "god I don't want to go but I must support my friend".
She maybe is unhappy too, and the combination has created some grumpiness. Let it go, give her a break and enjoy your wedding.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 23/05/2025 13:18

KelH93 · 22/05/2025 15:52

I appreciate the bikini sentiment but we’re a bunch of late 20’s/early 30’s women. We’d probably have felt differently and not done it if we were middle aged and all saggy after multiple kids etc!

I feel like the point is being missed.

Yeah, I can't imagine why she would be lacking body confidence to get her arse out, with you as a friend. Jesus christ. She was probably in a mood the whole time because you're not very nice 😕

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