Upset with friends behaviour on my hen do

[KelH93]

I’ve recently returned from my hen weekend. It was generally a lovely time but the behaviour of one of my friends has left a sour taste and I don’t really know how to handle things now.

I will try to summarise the main things but basically, she appeared in a mood for the majority of the weekend and this was picked up on by others.

-Moaning about the standard of accommodation (it was a 4 star hotel which everyone else was happy with - more than done the job)

-Unhappy with one of the restaurant choices - repeatedly moaning about it in advance (she still found something to eat)

-One of my friends had a drunken ‘fumble’ with someone on the first night. My friend spent the following days lunch lecturing her and telling her that she must be unhappy in her relationship and asking how she’ll cope with the guilt. Just really unnecessary and made my friend very uncomfortable.

-Telling me repeatedly that getting married means I will be saying goodbye to my sex life (she has never been married herself!)

-We all had bikini bottoms which spelt out a message with the intention of getting a photo and she refused to be in it as she didn’t feel body confident (she knew in advance this was going to happen).

I didn’t say anything to her whilst away and I asked my other friends to be diplomatic as I didn’t want a big row to ruin the weekend.

Now we are home, I feel like I should say something but I’m struggling with how to approach it. Do you think I should just leave it or am I right to bring it up? Obviously it risks a row…

The bikini bottoms would have been a no from me too. Doesn't matter if she knew I'm advance, you can't predict how confident you will feel at any given moment.

If your friend felt uncomfortable being lectured then perhaps she shouldn't have cheated on her partner? The fact you are about to be married and are ok with the cheating is wild.

Nah, not for women that cheat on their partners. They are very much slags.

P.S. You are downplaying it. Hope your fiancé knows he's likely to be cheated on 👍🏻

A lot of people seem to be angry about hen dos now-until fairly recently, they were just a cheap night out, now some people think they should be luxury holidays abroad, and you'll always have some friends who are uncomfortable about using up holiday/being away/money, and others that want to spend more and be away longer, so it sounds typical. Strange about discussing your personal marriage details though, most people sleep together more after, and if you wanted to just sleep with lots of strangers, you'd presumably not be getting married, not that it's anyone's business anyway-is she just jealous? Criticising the one who cheated, well lots of people feel like that, but it's not exactly a good idea to go on about it on a hen do? Could she be really unhappy?

You'll probably actually feel less sel-conscious about it in middle age, warts and all.

I wouldn't do that for anyone either. I'd be less happy with the drunken fumble friend but it does sound like this friend was moody, which isn't fair.

At 27 I didn’t know anyone who would have been up for this for a laugh, but I appreciate that the pressure on young people to create content for social media and appear to be having fun has massively increased over the past 10 years.

That said attitudes come in waves. I used to watch Club Reps as a kid and that crowd would definitely have been up for it!

No wonder the friend didn’t enjoy herself. You can just tell that she was really fed up with this bunch of bumsploitators

Let us know how many reactions you got. I voted yes.

The bikini bottoms weren’t my idea (although fairly standard for a hen somewhere sunny)

no…nope it really isn’t standard. It’s embarrassing and tacky.

I wear a thong bikini and totally body confident. No way I’d be doing that photo though. Cringe.

@KelH93The amount of judgement you’ve had here for the bikini bottoms is cringe, so well done for biting back. It’s pathetic that on a site for women and by women there’s still shaming of how other women choose to enjoy their bodies. And I had to laugh at posters calling you tactless for your comments - if you dish it out you have to take it! Don’t apologise ever for what you enjoy - I hope you have many more bikini bottom shots in your life.

Your friend is just jealous - hence the snide comments on sexless marriages. Every group has one envious misery guts and you slowly realise you’re not all going to be friends for life. Also unless someone is my priest, parent, therapist, boss, DH or best friend - their lectures on what I do on a night out are unwanted and unsolicited. She just wanted to stick the boot in and create a negative mood the entire trip.

Ignore her, put distance in as no doubt other friends will soon do and enjoy your wedding!

The bikini thing actually seems like something people much older than your group would do; it's very Spring Break 1991. However, I can see it would be annoying IF she could have opted out or voted down the idea up front, but didn't until the last minute when it impacted everyone else. If everyone else was genuinely keen though, then I think that with a sense of humor she could still have participated - for example, fully dressed but pulling down her shorts or skirt a little to show the letter, or even fully dressed in something else and holding up the bikini bottom so the letter showed? The other things seem much more annoying to me, though - OK to say she doesn't like the hotel and that she's miffed with the fumbling friend, but not to go on and on about it.

Is she part of the bridal party, or involved in other events related to the wedding? If not, and it's a one-off, I'd maybe let it go as you've got a lot else to think about. Or just ask her one on one if she's upset about anything, and let hr tell you without necessarily starting out with "why were you so pissy at the hen thing?"

(Also, the misogyny in this thread - internalised or otherwise - is not OK.)

To paraphrase Meatloaf, 2 outta 5 ain't bad.

Bless you, thinking that you might escape age and gravity by not having children 💐
But no, most women wouldn’t pose with pictures of letters on their arses not because they’re saggy, but because it’s a bit vulgar.

I am sorry, but you and your friends sound very trashy. I am not surprised she was moody!
What was the word?

Your friend is not your type, really.
You uphold different standards of self respect.
Decide whether she will go on other trashy holidays with you but no need to talk to her.

Move on and just let this friendship go. Or, you could raise the issue and let the friendship go out with a bang. Either way, friendship is over.

Personally I cannot stand people who complain about things like that and tell other people what to do. Your mate sounds like she is a bit bitter.

Of course it's an unreasonable attitude. It's none of her business.

The bikini bottoms thing makes you sound a right chav. Other than that YANBU.

Yeah, how come your other friend gets a free pass for cheating on her OH?

This! Seems the 'behaviour' from this friend was OK, while the other is called out for moaning a bit and for refusing to have a photo taken of her arse! Weird...

@KelH93 has friend been in contact since?

Sounds like a bloody awful weekend and I'd have moaned too.

Oh god the bikini thing is my nightmare

Moany / lecturing friend didn’t behave at all well, draining behaviour. Would be quietly annoyed too, unless the behaviour was a first or unusual for her, in which case would assume there was something up with her.

YABU on the bikinis and ageist comments. Even if friend ‘knew what she was doing’ opting out at the last minute having worn a thong the day before she wasn’t U on that!

Off to get my bejewelled Friday bottoms on and onto Insta.

Ick that you’re minimising cheating friend’s behaviour, but that was none of moany friend’s business.

Snap, to me a fumble is exactly what you describe.

Did you just invite her because you needed another bum to complete the phrase? Was she pissed off to find that out and then found the whole thing really grim? Especially the casual attitude towards the woman who was cheating? She probably thought the ladette culture had been consigned to history and then found she was expected to revel in it.