DH won’t stay with me in hospital

[swampwomp]

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am being.

Baby due next month and I’m having a c section. In the hospital I’ll be in, husband’s/partner’s are allowed to stay overnight. I haven’t had a c section before but worried how I’ll manage getting baby if I’m sore (also getting hysterectomy). I know there’s buzzers but I had a bad degree tear before with previous DC and I pushed the buzzer twice over a 4 day stay and they took forever to come and seemed cross about it. DH has said there’s no way he will stay with me in the hospital. Practically I can see that it makes more sense for him to be well rested to help the next day but AIBU to be a little hurt that he immediately was saying absolutely not without thinking about it? We do have other DC but have childcare arrangements in place so it’s not practically impossible.

There are no visiting hour restrictions there and I think that he plans on being there for the birth/for a bit after, bringing DC to meet baby once I’m on the ward and then going home for the afternoon/evening, to come back late morning the next day.

I am a hospital doctor. I would urge anybody these days to have a supportive advocate on the ward with them for as long as possible. The wards are too understaffed and basic needs are often not met. If you’re allowed somebody with you, take them. Whether they are husband, parent or friend.

Why shouldn't the rested one OP? It boggles me that when there's a choice of who should get sleep, a woman who has just had a c-section AND hysterectomy or a man, so many people will pick the man.
I wonder if a man had major surgery and a newborn to look after, if his wife would be told to go home and leave him to struggle with the baby and his recovery, so she can get a good night's sleep.

Also this he should be rested bullshit has actually pissed me off.

That's a newborn. They don't let you rest.
This is his life now.

All he'd have to do is get up with the baby.
The exact same as any other mother any other day.

She's not asking him to go to war

I don't get the whole "at least one of you is rested" like yeah, the one that hasn't been pregnant, in labour, given birth, has major injuries, is breastfeeding. He needs to stay and do everything he can to look after YOU. It's literally like you running a marathon and him needing a nap because he watched.

What the fuck is everyone going on about his need to sleep for? He can manage one night in a reclining chair.

It's not like he's run a marathon, fought the hoardes or actually done fucking anything - he's sat and watched the surgeons deliver his child!

On the other hand, his wife is getting spliced and diced, and no, the staff aren't going to help as much as she needs.

Has anyone started with the "men shouldn't stay in maternity units" yet?

Make sure you give him your painkillers too. No point you both being in pain.

Oh yes.

To what extent will the OP also having a hysterectomy affect how she feels and her ability to care for her baby immediately after the operation? I assume that the operation is much more complex than a straightforward C-section and the recovery time will be longer?

Yep. And if he has a poor nights sleep in the chair, that’s pretty much lots of mums every night for months. He can suck it up for a night or two?!

I think your DH is right to prioritise your existing DC over sitting by your bed in hospital. Sorry.

If you’re worried about needing help because staff aren’t doing their jobs, then instead of childcare arrangements you should be doing a doula arrangement to have someone with you in hospital.

I don't think that anyone feels particularly worse after having a section and hysterectomy. I mean there may be some emotional struggles perhaps, but honestly, it depends on why you're having it and if it will alleviate ongoing issues.

Indeed. DH didn’t sleep much for the 6 nights we were in in a regular non-reclining chair. He ended up getting a bad chest infection and his legs ballooned as he didn’t lie flat for so long. I never heard a single word of complaint about him being tired. He got the fuck on looking after DD and me, he’d thought he might lose us both and the very least he thought he could do was make sure I was fed and watered, could sleep when I needed, was as clean as possible, he got help to get her feeding, he did every single thing he could. I’d never loved him more. Yes he felt grim but I’d been on the table for hours and had a complicated recovery and that came first.

When he’s been ill and had surgery I’ve done everything in my power to support him. Otherwise what’s the point?

Pay someone to stay with you?

I believe that. I don’t think they should be in the wards overnight. To visit, yes, but not spend the night. It’s a very vulnerable time for women.

So is 3am when you cant get your baby yourself and the only midwives are dealing with a secondary haemorrhage or frankly don't care about you. I'm a midwife saying this. You're risking your life by staying alone. It's that serious in hospitals now.

Yes. If you have no mother, sister, female friend. You can pay for a doula just like you can pay for childcare. To my mind, DC come first. So dad should be home with the DC, otherwise DC feel like they are being forgotten as mum and dad are all about the new baby.

Who said anything about staying alone? I haven’t.

@Calmdownpeople I had a complicated hysterectomy last year. I literally couldn’t move for about three days, and for a few days after that I would faint every time I stood up. I was hooked up to IV and a catheter. I was off my face on four types of strong pain relief including morphine. I didn’t know what day of the week it was. I was in hospital for two weeks.

There is ZERO chance that I could have taken care of a newborn baby. I couldn’t even take care of my own needs for the first few days.

OP, I’d suggest that you call the ward and talk to a midwife. Explain your concerns and your situation. If they say “You will absolutely need someone with you, and baby will need another caregiver” that might change his lazy, selfish mind.

DC can be adequately cared for by someone else overnight.

Did you have yours after a section?

My DH didn't stay overnight for our second child (also a c-section) as we both felt he was better going home to care for our first. I guess the difference is that he was fully prepared to stay and we had childcare in place should it be needed. We had a provisional plan that he'd return home in the evening once I felt able to manage but he had the option of staying if for any reason I was struggling.

For us though it was about our older child who was only 2 and would certainly be happier waking up to dad there in the morning, especially as her little world was being turned upside down by the baby being born. Yes him having rest was helpful, but his rest wasn't more important than mine. I guess I was breastfeeding and also had to stay on the ward overnight, whereas he didn't have to. So in those circumstances, it was much better for him to get a proper night's sleep, care for our toddler and make sure the house was ready for us to come home to.

I think this would have felt very different though if he'd been refusing to stay! He would have done whatever I wanted him to, and whatever I needed at the time, and it was me wanting him to be at home.

Edit to add that yes, it was hard to care for baby after the surgery but manageable. They encourage you to get up and move as soon as you feel able as it aids recovery. DH waited until I'd had the catheter out and felt able to get myself to the toilet and back, and move around the bay a little. We set everything up that I'd need within arm's reach. I didn't have a problem with it, but this was my second c-section so I knew what to expect, and the pain was manageable. This is different for everyone.

No. I’d imagine it would have been completely pain free if I’d have a section at the same time. 🙄 What a silly question.

Yes they can, but it’s not the only choice.

I’d rather have a professional female doula with me and newborn in hospital and DH at home with the DC.

I personally think the men with their partners don’t do much anyway and I personally think maternity wards should not have men there overnight for the dignity and comfort of all women.

My male partner has just been on a post surgical gastro ward. The operation is similar to a C section. They are waited on hand and foot. It's amazing how women who have just had major surgery are handed a new born baby and have to get on with it.
If it was a woman in my family, she wouldn't be left alone. Help is needed and unlike gastro wards, the staffing isn't adequate. After every failing, which to the UK's shame often means another baby or Mother death, the investigations have been saying the same thing for years.