DH won’t stay with me in hospital

[swampwomp]

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am being.

Baby due next month and I’m having a c section. In the hospital I’ll be in, husband’s/partner’s are allowed to stay overnight. I haven’t had a c section before but worried how I’ll manage getting baby if I’m sore (also getting hysterectomy). I know there’s buzzers but I had a bad degree tear before with previous DC and I pushed the buzzer twice over a 4 day stay and they took forever to come and seemed cross about it. DH has said there’s no way he will stay with me in the hospital. Practically I can see that it makes more sense for him to be well rested to help the next day but AIBU to be a little hurt that he immediately was saying absolutely not without thinking about it? We do have other DC but have childcare arrangements in place so it’s not practically impossible.

There are no visiting hour restrictions there and I think that he plans on being there for the birth/for a bit after, bringing DC to meet baby once I’m on the ward and then going home for the afternoon/evening, to come back late morning the next day.

She’s having 2x major surgery with a newborn to care for and will in all likelihood be left to it. She will need the help. It’s a once in a lifetime situation. I think the 2 x no sleep isn’t really that important in the scheme of things.🙄

Which is why I would want my husband sleeping at night so he can safely come and help me during to the day

Do you have any idea what it’s like on maternity wards these days? Have you recovered from a c/s and a hysterectomy at the same time and had a newborn to care for at the same time?

Absolutely same as me! I had two sections both coming out of the covid era so now DH allowed past 8pm.. it was magical. Yes I hurt a lot but it was the last time my son would ever just be mine before he officially entered the big world.
Op a section is hard but it's doable, I was happy DH returned bright eyed at 7am with a new bag of supplies ready to take the lead.

Honestly screw anyone saying this man’s SLEEP is more important than helping his wife who has had major nominal surgery and will be in charge of (and trying to feed and change) a newborn!! My DH stayed with me after my section with DC2 and it was genuinely really special sharing that first night together and having his help. If really pressed I could have done it alone but why intentionally put myself through that? I don’t care what anyone says, his sleep is not as important as supporting you.

Course he should stay. You need him and you have childcare at home

i don’t get why he wouldn’t after you having 2 major ops

what a totally selfish arse

sure he can cope with one bad night on a chair - tho many turn into a recliner so he will get some sleep

Is he usually a selfish, uncaring arse?

Some people can’t factor in that the op will have a newborn to look after and have had major surgery. A hysterectomy and a newborn. The op needs all support from her dh. Yes he will be tired but that’s looking after a newborn.

My husband was not allowed to stay and was absolutely devastated to leave us. So was I, plus, the nurses were incredibly slow when I rang the buzzer. It was scary that I was so alone in the hospital when I needed help and no one came.
If he could have stayed and chosen not to, I really would not see him in the same light.

I never understand responses like this. He should be rested? He can rest the night before and all the bloody nights before that!

OP I’d be furious with DH if he said this to me. I had an awful night after my C section. It would have been so much easier if he’d been there to support but it wasn’t an option for me.
Tell him to stop being such a knob and to step up.

with an ELC he won’t have lost 1+ nights sleep to supporting you in Labour like a lot of spontaneous labour dads will have done. The recovery from hysterectomy could be worse that c section I imagine. I don’t see why he can’t give up one night dozing in a chair to help his wife who has had major surgery and now has a newborn to care for. You might even be whacked out on pain relief or attached to syringe drivers etc. I’d feel cross and let down too.

Loads of woman have coped overnight in hospitals through covid, me included. If OP needs help she can call for help.

I agree. I've look up hysterectomies post-partum and they are really rare and only carried out in serious circumstances. There are quite high risks of complications and the patient will be cared for in the Delivery Suite as a high-risk patient, or in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU).

The information from one hospital about post-partum hysterectomies says:

You may not be able to care for your baby initially due to feeling drowsy or unwell. If you are cared for on the Delivery Suite following surgery, your birth partner or a family member/friend can stay to look after the baby where possible.

Therefore, this is much a much more complicated and serious operation than a normal caesarian section and the post-recovery requirements are different.

So ignoring what is widely reported- they don’t come because they are snowed under!

This is peak Mumsnet. "I was fine after I'd had surgery so you will be to". Good grief. The OP wants her husband there so he should be there for her - other people's experiences are not relevent.

And the hysterectomy?

Childbirth and parenting are exhausting. That starts at the hospital. Why should he have a relaxing full night of sleep at your expense? Will you also be doing all the night wakings, and giving him all the weekend lie ins as this is where this prioritisation of men and their sleep ends. Tell him his job is to help you. I’m sure he’ll get some sleep at the hospital. You can both be tired the next day. But you’ll both be in it together.

It’s not about pain!🙄

The experience I had post section was anything but magical, it was horrific due to the lack of care. The pain wasn’t even on my radar.

You say you have child care arranged?
Can you leave the child care to your husband and get someone else to stay in hospital with you? If my dd or dil were in that situation I would be there like a shot.

Can I just say…if they’re annoyed that you press the buzzer, so what? Let them be annoyed. It’s shit enough that they’re devolving nursing responsibilities to unqualified partners (let’s be honest, the actual purpose of this arrangement in some hospitals). If they are mardy then just ignore, and remember they are PAID to do a job. They’re not doing you a favour.

To answer your question though, I think it makes sense for your DH to go home and sleep but why don’t you agree with him that you’ll see how you feel at the time? And whatever you decide then, he needs to go along with.

There is an awful lot my husband did for me and for the baby each time I was in for a CS, including ensuring I had water and food, fetching things from my bag, handing me the baby, watching I didn't drop the baby if I fell asleep (first one I lost a lot of blood and was on the verge of a transfusion - I could not get up without fainting for 24 hours and was unable to stay awake for long), changing the baby, getting milk for the baby, hunting down the midwives who had locked the milk room and had the keys, getting me painkillers, reminding the nurses that I'd been prescribed additional painkillers and that I needed them (if you're having a hysterectomy, I'd say this bit is especially important, as midwives are not surgery nurses and seem to completely shrug off the idea you'll be in pain post surgery), helping me shower, helping me to the loo etc.

He had a camping mat and sleeping bag, and managed to sleep enough whilst I was in.

Honestly OP, my mum had a hysterectomy and I remember how carefully she was treated both in hospital (don't lift ANYTHING!) and at home (no lifting the kettle for the first 6 weeks, etc, etc). Honestly, it was nothing like the "care" I received in hospital after each of my ELCS, which boiled down to "well you have a baby now, and you should be more concerned about caring for them than caring for yourself, plus we're busy so anything above your obs will be met with irritation and often a disappearing act".

I'd strongly consider recruiting a friend of family member to be your nominated partner overnight if he won't step up.

I had an emergency C-section but there was no option for my husband to stay with me. He stayed with me for a while after, but once I was moved to the ward, he had to go home. I'm glad he did go home because he needed to be rested. I was in a lot of pain, and could barely do anything for myself. He spent a lot of time once I was home running around doing things for me, our son and chores. Keep pressing that buzzer! Also tell the midwives if you're struggling. Mine on the ward were very good, and helped me.

Ideally the NHS would provide but I feel like there is a market for post birth helpers. Like a private health care workers who will fetch and carry, clean your sheets, pass your baby, help you wash etc. In hospital and out.

So often I think women are just chucked in at the deep end. Sleep deprivation is torturous. I think it’s really important contributes massively to PND.

I've had 3 c-sections. First baby husbands weren't allowed to stay and frankly it was awful. The reason they changed the rule was that there's not enough midwives on postnatal. I was left alone holding a baby whilst on a magnesium sulphate drip. Really unsafe.

2 and 3 were in another country. He was planning to stay with me the first night, but we learnt that there they still have a nursery overnight and so I sent baby there and him home. Same for #3. But if I hadn't had the nursery I absolutely would have needed him the first night. I couldn't move well enough to pick baby up from the bassinet, and for 2 of my 3 I had significant blood loss, requiring a transfusion once. I was not fit to be left alone.

With a hysterectomy on top you absolutely need to have someone there to help. If your DH won't, you need someone else with you. The odds of the midwives having enough time to help you are just not good enough to want to rely on it.

I would expect my partner to stay, and he did in similar circumstances. My OH wanted to be there to help me and bond with baby so I didn’t have to ask anyway. Really strange to me that so many people wouldn’t want or expect this.