DH won’t stay with me in hospital

[swampwomp]

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am being.

Baby due next month and I’m having a c section. In the hospital I’ll be in, husband’s/partner’s are allowed to stay overnight. I haven’t had a c section before but worried how I’ll manage getting baby if I’m sore (also getting hysterectomy). I know there’s buzzers but I had a bad degree tear before with previous DC and I pushed the buzzer twice over a 4 day stay and they took forever to come and seemed cross about it. DH has said there’s no way he will stay with me in the hospital. Practically I can see that it makes more sense for him to be well rested to help the next day but AIBU to be a little hurt that he immediately was saying absolutely not without thinking about it? We do have other DC but have childcare arrangements in place so it’s not practically impossible.

There are no visiting hour restrictions there and I think that he plans on being there for the birth/for a bit after, bringing DC to meet baby once I’m on the ward and then going home for the afternoon/evening, to come back late morning the next day.

You won't need him. You are in a hospital. I think it's a little ridiculous adults having a supporter staying overnight. If you were in pain he wouldn''t be able to prescribe for you, he could go to the nurses station but you would still need to wait until they got round to ir

It is different. Probably because of the adaptations the body makes to pregnancy. The women i see having them in maternity wards seem to have a faster recovery time than those who have it as a gynae procedure. Your body has geared up for major blood loss for 9 months and clots very well.

Is that based on the fact that your man didn't or wouldn't do much? Or extensive experience of maternity wards?

Thank you for your amazing work and for all the help and care you provide - I am sorry you are all working under such budgetary and personnel pressures at the moment. Would you mind sharing your experience, please, of "Martha's Rule", "patient advocates" and facilities of that sort that are in the hospitals you've worked in please?

For others reading who aren't aware: Martha's Rule came about very recently after a child died from sepsis in part, per the coroner's findings, because her parent's concerns about her deteriorating condition were not responded to in a timely fashion, and she wasn't moved to the ICU. Martha's Rule means that most/all hospitals now have system by which any patient or their caregivers/family etc can call the hospital switchboard and ask that the patient advocate service (in Hampshire it's called "Call 4 Concern" but they should all understand the term "Martha's Rule") step in to help them. It triggers (in theory) an immediate report that will cause the ward to either be phoned/visited (both) to check the standard of care and, if needs be, provide a "second opinion". That's a very broad explanation - but suffice it to say that if someone is worried about the care they are getting, and has asked for help from the on-ward care team and isn't satisfied with the care they are recieving, then can and should call the hospital switchboard (some hospitals also have a dedicated number on their internal phone lines/patient phones). It requires the report to be logged and for something to be done - so it'll be in the record of care.

Prior to Martha's Rule most hospitals already had a patient advocate service - it is often referred to as PALS (Patient Advocacy and Liaison services - you can find the info online) but it may not have had a 24/7 contact point/trigger like it does now. It's also striking to me how few people - including the hospital staff - know about the service. Perhaps it's a feature of a culture of finding it awkward to ask for help/understanding how to advocate for oneself/asking someone else to advocate for you. Having experienced hospital care in the US and the UK I've found that US hospitals are far better at having those contact numbers/services publicised around the wards etc. Though the last time I was in a UK ward (neuro/spine - yay!) there was a sticker on the phone/call button that had that information on it - and encouraged people to reach out if they felt they were having a difficult time getting the care they needed.

If you're going into hospital for planned procedures/to have a baby please take the time to read up about this prior to going in. You can ask the hospital how they deal with Martha's Rule assistance requests, and what their patient advocate facilities are. The NHS has to publish information on these services (HIPAA compliant of course!!!) so it should be readily available - both the services themselves, and how they are staffed/utilised etc.

I've been on night shifts where I've been with one woman all night and the rest of the women I'm caring for have had to make do with obs and BF advice from a HCA who also has 30 beds to do.

I think so too. I think it’s better for family to be rested and get in professional help. I don’t think it’s helpful for either parent to return home exhausted tbh.

It’s my experience observing the men with their partners on maternity wards when I was with female relatives and friends. Many are scrolling on their phones, bickering with their partners, loafing uselessly at the nurses station for a few minutes and then shrugging and giving up, they disappear for hours god knows where. They will ogle other women and make them uncomfortable. They snore and fart in their sleep waking up their partners who are exhausted. They whinge that they can’t get anything ready at home because they are stuck at the hospital. They loudly take calls from the babysitter and often wake their partner so SHE can resolve whatever issue the babysitter has.

So much better imho to have a professional doula with you who knows how to navigate a hospital, is known by the maternity staff, and will be listened to if you or baby need urgent attention. Most doulas are retired nurses.

I had my babies had home.
I had hired a doula to be with me at home as well as the midwives.
If I had had to transfer to hospital, she would have accompanied me.

I wonder why then, that I had two PPHs requiring blood transfusions if my body was so geared up to clot so well.

I’m sure they don’t say “You’ll be fine to whip the hoover round after a week. You wouldn’t ordinarily for six weeks, but you’ve just had a baby so you’ll be grand!”

If you defy doctors’ advice not to lift or bear weight post hysterectomy, you risk developing painful bowel and bladder problems for life.

Do you know that a lot of maternity staff actually find doulas quite a challenging presence?

The vast majority of men who stay in hospitals are considered helpful and wanted by the people they're with. That's why women campaign for them to be allowed to stay.

Mine did plenty and I had no interest in a doula. I wouldn’t have managed without DH, the midwives were busy and I had twins.

Yes I know the maternity staff that are used to being able to BS patients, neglect them & fob off useless male partners find doulas challenging because a doula is medically trained and is going to call them out on any shortcomings.

PPH can be caused by trauma, tissue left behind, or poor uterine tone. The fact that a woman can have a PPH of 1.5L or more and leave hospital the next day is testament to the adaptations the pregnant body makes. You're designed to recover quickly from severe haemorrhage at the point of delivery. You're likely alive now because of your increased clotting factor in the perinatal period.

Personally I lost 900mls at one of my births. Was totally fine. I went to give blood (400mls) another time (not perinatal) and I felt sick and faint for 2 days.

Doulas aren't medically trained and it isn't a protected title. There are courses you can do. A body you can sign.up to. But anyone can call themselves a doula.

That’s fine. That’s your choice.

I don’t agree that a DH staying home with DC is being lazy or selfish. It is prioritising the DC they already have.

I don’t agree that men are the only option for assistance on a maternity ward when you can get a professional in.

True, but most are retired nurses. I ensured the ones I hired were. I did my due diligence and background checks. Just like you would with anyone you hire for a job title that isn’t regulated.

No they're not. Nurses generally don't want anything to do with childbirth. A few children's nurses go into obstetric nursing but that's basically doing nightcare for the baby and is very expensive.

The DC will be fine with a trusted family member. pp’s also seemed more concerned about his sleep needs than DC’s needs.

Remember that not everyone can afford doulas either.

My experience after 2 c sections recently was appalling. They absolutely did not help me lift the baby, or get the baby in or out of the cot if I was unable.
There is zero chance I would have been able to spend a night changing nappies and settling a baby.
Your husbands a dick.

My husband didn't stay with me when our second was born, but it was a straightforward vaginal birth and he had to look after our DS.

If you don't have any childcare issues then he should do whatever you feel more comfortable with.

This information about post-partum hysterectomies does seem as though they are much worse than normal c-sections and that these mums need much more post-operative care, sometimes in the ICU:

https://www.royalberkshire.nhs.uk/media/uxuajfak/hysterectomy-post-partum.pdf

Seems to me that the other commenter was making a general comment based on observations of multiple women. Of course there will be outliers - like yourself - who apparently had a far worse time of it. That's not to negate your experience - you clearly had a bad time of things and perhaps had other medical issues that are not "typical" of someone who has a hysterectomy directly after the C-section. But the other commenter is not incorrect to make the more general comment. Of course she/we cannot know exactly what your medical situation was - and it's not improper for them to make the more generalised observations - particularly if they are from her own personal experience. Clearly your own bad experience has - understandably - made discussing these issues rather unpleasant for you - but I would urge you not to assume that just because you had a bad go of things that automatically means your experience is the norm.

With great pain and difficulty

My second was born in covid times so he wasn't allowed to stay and it was brutal.

Staff were shit and just left me to it. They also wouldn't give pain relief beyond standard paracetamol. I snuck in codeine tablets otherwise I wouldn't have coped.

Tell him in no uncertain terms what a fucking knob he is.

I had a c section during covid and was alone afterwards. I had a breakdown and in the end the hospital insisted DH come in, brought him in a side door and gave us a private room. I couldn’t move well enough to pick up the baby and despite buzzing, the support on PN was horrific. I don’t get the well rested point, of course he should bloody well be there to support you, physically and emotionally.

I'm a midwife. Not only that, one of our local communities who have an average of 6 babies each routinely use doulas for their births. I'm not sure its me who need to shut up.