DH won’t stay with me in hospital

[swampwomp]

Fully prepared to be told IABU if I am being.

Baby due next month and I’m having a c section. In the hospital I’ll be in, husband’s/partner’s are allowed to stay overnight. I haven’t had a c section before but worried how I’ll manage getting baby if I’m sore (also getting hysterectomy). I know there’s buzzers but I had a bad degree tear before with previous DC and I pushed the buzzer twice over a 4 day stay and they took forever to come and seemed cross about it. DH has said there’s no way he will stay with me in the hospital. Practically I can see that it makes more sense for him to be well rested to help the next day but AIBU to be a little hurt that he immediately was saying absolutely not without thinking about it? We do have other DC but have childcare arrangements in place so it’s not practically impossible.

There are no visiting hour restrictions there and I think that he plans on being there for the birth/for a bit after, bringing DC to meet baby once I’m on the ward and then going home for the afternoon/evening, to come back late morning the next day.

Even volunteers! That would be an idea?

That's like the "kraamzorg" system in the Netherlands.

Which is why OP wants her DH there over night, because she wants to safely look after their baby.

I said with a C section I’d maybe be ok alone, but of course I’d missed out the hysterectomy on top. That would change things.

How does that work?

Are these NHS hospitals,do they actually provide beds for husbands, separate rooms for you both? is it a normal thing these days?. My youngest dgd is 2, and I've never heard of dad's staying overnight. I was nursing,it wasn't maternity,we let family stay over if someone was really poorly.

If that’s his attitude I think you’re better relying on the hospital staff. I know it can be a bit tough but they may still be more responsive than him! Could you get a friend or family member to stay instead. My Oh would be rubbish at this too.

What about some compromise- he goes home at 11ish, home by 11.30 I'm guessing, he leaves home again at 7.30 to be with you at 8. That will give him 8 at home, 7 hours sleep plus shower and breakfast, which is definitely enough sleep to fully function on. That's what we did. I don't understand why he is leaving late afternoon and then coming back late morning, that's ridiculous

These services do exist - doulas/maternity Nannie’s I paid £20/hr for someone who was super experienced, I got her at home but she would have come to hospital if I’d wanted

I lived in the Netherlands for a bit and thought it sounded great. Essentially for ten days after birth you get a helper who will offer breast feeding support, clean, bring you cups of tea and look after baby while you shower/ nap.

It’s state funded but I’d of paid for a similar service.

You wouldn’t love alone time if you were in so much pain that you couldn’t move and had to lie there and listen to your baby cry while the midwives ignored you…

I’ve had 2 sections - one emergency and one planned. The planned one my recovery was much easier and I managed ok without help overnight, but the emergency was awful and there’s no way I could have managed without my DH there.

Hopefully the OP’s recovery won’t be as bad but it’s hard to predict and the fact that your DH point blank refuses to stay with you… unbelievable.

Some on here obviously commenting having never experienced a really rough c-section recovery and have no idea what they are talking about.

That’s so good for the mum and the whole family. Impressive and state funded. I bet it saves money in the long run as the mum can recover.

For my first (6 years ago) we ended up in a private room which had a chair that folded out a bit (not into a full bed though) and my DH could stay as long as he liked.

For my second I was on a ward and visitors/birth partners all had to leave by 8pm

And loads more have horror stories of neglect that has led to mental and physical damage.

The number of people who don’t read the thread properly astound me and spout off about oh I did it it was easy - and “only” had a c section. Poor OP is having a c section AND a hysterectomy. This really isn’t as common as purely c section. I think the pure fact they offer other halves to stay is because they know they’re short staffed and it helps them out too.

least one of you will be rested...

yes it should be the mum who has just given birth via c section not the husband who hasn't. He can rest before the birth.

All these women cheerfully having C section either no support - Did you have a hysterectomy at the same time though? That is what OP will be having.

How do you know I didn’t? And just for the record a c section is considered major abdominal surgery. How do you know I don’t know others that have had both at the same time as well and have asked this very question?

I said it woukd be fine to reassure and it was her needs that were important.

But hey you just got annoyed/offended or whatever word you want to use.

She asked for opinions I gave mine. You may not like it but that was my and experience.

I stand by what I said - it was fine. I didn’t need my husband there.

Did he stay previously?
My DH stayed before and I know he would not again 😂 (unless it was life & death situation of course). Staying on the floor/chair is not fun for anyone plus the food options aren’t great from hospital cafes,
partners aren’t fed hospital food.
I don’t blame him

Start asking around friends and family to see if someone else can come and stay with you; explain to them that you H is refusing to and you don’t want to be alone, in pain, with restricted movement and caring for a newborn.

Your husband is a useless excuse of a father and a pathetic spouse.

If you didn’t have care in place for your older children I’d understand it, but you’re going to be at your most vulnerable, you’ve asked him for help and he’s saying No.

Can your mum stay instead?

How could he have stayed previously?? This is clearly her first hysterectomy, she’s pregnant 🤦🏻‍♀️

(also getting hysterectomy)

Any possibility you have a Mum or sister who would be up for a bit of nurturing and support for you? You're right to be concerned. Can you ask the hospital what extra baby support will be in place in these circumstances. Don't leave things to chance.

Actually, I think it needs spelling out more explicitly to your husband that this isn't a straightforward 'caesarean birth scenario' and he should be aware of the potential issues and aftercare support that will needed. He needs to be fully informed so he can step up.

OP I've worked on maternity wards and I think your dh should stay because

1. You've asked him to
2. You're having major abdominal surgery. It's not fair for anyone involved to expect you to cope feeding and changing a baby after this. I'm sure the nurses would love to dedicate somebody one to one but this just isn't feasible with the current state of the NHS. We all know this
3. You've asked him to
4. Unfortunately you just can't be sure that on a busy maternity ward staff are going to be vigilant to any subtle signs of deterioration in you or baby. Your partner would be able to do this
5. You've asked him to
6. You've asked him to

I'd be insisting that he stays or I'd be recruiting somebody else as a birthing partner who is willing to stay and tough shit if that means he misses baby's birth. If he has a form for this I'd also be mentally making a plan how you're going to leave and cope without him after the birth. If he's this much of a clueless and selfish twat about this one issue I'd say there's a pretty good chance this will show itself in other ways as well unfortunately.

I'd want someone with me and I'm a midwife...

⬆️ this says everything you need to know.