To feel really embarrassed haha!!

[BecFlowers]

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

You've got nothing to be embarrassed about. You can only control your own behavior and you've been admirable. Pretty hurtful to be left out and possibly head scratching. Yu should ask yourself what value do you put on your own self worth and what boundary you set in response to this. Spending good money going abroad when you are a mate of a mate is a choice few would make especially now you know the bride to be thinks little of you as a friend.

for the sake of mumsnet, please send her a text now and say “i’m just wondering if my invite has got lost in the post as i know you wouldn’t forget to invite me given the fact im invited to the hen do” oh go on please!!!

I would rush to text her. Just mention something the new time it's brought up that unfortunately you won't be going now. Just sleep on it basically. Don't send emails / texts when your feeling emotional. I always regret that.

I'm a late joiner to a biggish friend group. A few things have happened recently that makes me see I'm not part of the core group. But I'm trying to take it for what it is. We have fun. I dint think I'm ever to fully included the same way others are but that's OK really. I don't need to keep checking myself that I'm being a great friend and supporting individuals current struggles outside of our meet ups. It's sad but no need to be embarrassed. It's just one of the group afterall

This is really kind, thank you - this thread has been brilliant to bolster me a little bit ❤️

Don’t be embarrassed, I think it’s very rude of the bride to invite you to the hen do then not to the wedding!
Is there a chance there are going to be evening only invites going out at a later date? Maybe they are keeping the main daytime event small but inviting more people to join later?

I’m finding the hen/wedding connection people are making a bit odd.

In my circles, the two don’t necessarily go together.

Will you enjoy the hen, or not? If you’ll enjoy it anyway, then go!

If you’ll be uncomfortable because of the wedding talk, then if she asks you can say ‘it’ll just feel a bit uncomfortable with everyone else talking about the wedding arrangements’.

I think that your draft message looks great. I would expect someone in her shoes to make the connection between the timing of pulling out of the hen and giving out invites - but perhaps not in this case.

this times 1000.

Invitations for 2 years time? 🙈🙈

Who the heck, other than close family, is going to plan their lives around someone else’s wedding TWO YEARS IN ADVANCE?

Sounds like she will spend the next two years making it all about her. You’ve had a lucky escape, OP.

It's a good message. As you said - friendly but to the point.
I'm glad you're pulling out of the hen, why go to all the expense and hassle just to listen to the others talk about the wedding.
I'm sorry this has happened to you, you have every right to feel upset.

Don’t rush sending the text because people on this thread are pushing you to. Sleep on it for a bit or send the ‘I can’t come text’ when they start making arrangements.

This is good - please send it now and tell us her response.

It’s really not the done thing to invite someone on a hen without an invite to the wedding. Also strange to send invites to both the hen and wedding two years in advance! Anything can change in that time with friendships. I find the sneaking around giving people tier invites so you don’t notice so distasteful as well. It’s all just horrid. She clearly doesn’t see you in the same way you view her, which is shit, but you don’t need a friend like this. Life is too short.

You are absolutely right to send that text.

Hang on. She’s sent out invitations to a wedding in 2027 already????!!!!!
Not save the date?
That is seriously self-centred.
And not very classy at all.

Maybe you should bow out early ... obviously your feelings are hurt which means you won't be able to enjoy it that much. Imagine the awkwardness if they start talking about the wedding on the hen do, which they probably will.

Your "friend" is awful and insensitive.

That’s what I was thinking TBH. I don’t see why people are shocked at the hen do invite but not the wedding. Paying for wedding guests is incredibly expensive whereas a hen do everyone pays themselves so the more the merrier. Completely up to the OP whether she chooses to go and if she feels it will all be chat about the wedding and hence embarrassing - but if she can afford it then it may be good fun . In a year’s time the chat amongst the friendship group will be about something funny that happened on the hen do - not about the wedding which is basically sitting and watching a ceremony and a load of speeches.

Update - bride must have mentioned to a few of the girls I’m not invited to the wedding tonight at spin (I skipped it - not cos of this, cos I’m lazy 😏) as I’ve had some texts outside the group chat being a bit scandalised on my behalf. I’m not getting embroiled in any drama and have replied just super factually. I didn’t need that but DO feel a bit better that other people (along with you lovely lot) feel the exclusion is a bit harsh. The general consensus from the couple of messages are “surely you’re not gonna fork out a few grand for Marbella now” and some general moaning about unrealistic expectations, so I’ll send my message tomorrow, then leave it at that!!! Honestly, bloody weddings 😂

What a cheek! Expecting you to fork £££ out for a hen do abroad. But not invite you to the wedding - how absurd.

Absolutely this . Please think it over .

It honestly sounds like they are thriving off the drama of it now. Say nothing.

When you said ‘girlies’ I got mean girls vibes.

I'd uninvite her from the christening. What a cheek.

Oh I'm so glad this happened and you know for sure. Send the text!

Have all the others in the group been asked? Have other people with children been asked? Is it a big do or would she be restricting numbers?

You should definitely decline the invitation to the hen do, or pull out if you have already accepted. You have said that it's expensive so don't spend money to attend an event that will be awkward and possibly upsetting for you, expecially if all they talk about is the wedding.

I think it is quite crass of her to invite you to an expensive overseas hen do and not invite you to any part of her wedding. She sounds pretty self-centred and rude. The sneakiness isn't nice either.

I would only hope it’s a really small wedding on a tight budget. I’d be mortified too!

Sorry but who invites someone to the hen and not the wedding. Ridic.