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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really embarrassed haha!!

424 replies

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 19:23

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

OP posts:
TrixieCat · 22/05/2025 18:25

Love how you've handled this. What an excellent person you clearly are ☺️♥️

Bluedenimdoglover · 22/05/2025 18:44

Spend the hen do money on yourself and your family. You don't need an excuse not to go. She's not given any reason for failing to invite you to the wedding. If she had a valid reason and was a proper friend she'd have sat down with you and explained.

anon15830201174585920220384848320204738229 · 22/05/2025 19:30

Don’t go to the hen do

Original poster
BecFlowers · 22/05/2025 19:48

GingerWhitePushkin · 22/05/2025 15:29

Good for you, op!
And for calling out the lady who told you to "grow a spine"- I hate it when when people say that (and they do it a lot on here)- it's so belittling and ignores the fact that most humans- apart from psychopaths- find confrontation horrible.

Show quote history

I completely agree. Disliking confrontation, discord or drama fuelled fights does not make someone spineless! ❤

OP posts:
Original poster
BecFlowers · 22/05/2025 19:52

ForWildLemon · 22/05/2025 13:31

Hey OP I just wanted to say how much I admire your level head, your grace and ability to be measured and not leap into being overly defensive or going too far into taking massive offence. It’s so interesting that even in this thread people are trying to stir the pot and berate you and the friendship group as a whole - just to add to other voices though, I think you’ve shown grace, self-respect and a sense of humour about this.

A very mature attitude and reaction. I think you’re dealing with a really tricky situation with real dignity. 🌸

Thank you so much, this is so incredibly kind of you 😘

OP posts:
Hopingtobeaparent · 22/05/2025 20:16

BruFord · 21/05/2025 19:31

I agree with @ObliviousCoalmine, I’d think about whether you actually want to spend money going to the hen do. If you want to go and think it’ll be a good laugh, go; if it’s a financial stretch and/or you’re unsure whether it’ll be fun, don’t bother.

I think it’s pretty cheeky to invite you to a hen do abroad and not to her wedding.

Show quote history

I think this, personally.

MyTwinklyPanda · 22/05/2025 20:33

Definitely get in there with your message before she turns tail and sends you a wedding invite. She can't come back from that. Stand your ground too. Even if she does invite you now because of the bubbleling drama, I'd still decline the invite. This will ring in her ears and others longer than it will in yours. You sound like a very dignified lady. Xx

My10centsworth · 22/05/2025 20:33

It will be interesting to see her reaction to your decision not to go, you might see a different side to her. Good luck to you!

KnewYearKnewMe · 22/05/2025 21:39

You’re a measured, classy lady, OP.

Something tells me you’re going to be glad you’re only observing from a distance the drama over the next two years as Ms Bride makes ever-more excessive demands!

GoodEnoughParents · 22/05/2025 21:45

ObliviousCoalmine · 21/05/2025 19:26

You’re invited to the hen, an abroad one nonetheless, and not invited to the wedding? I’d be thinking long and hard if I wanted to drop foreign holiday money on a woman who doesn’t think I cut the mustard to come to the wedding day, but I’m good for a hen. Madness.

This x2

Lavender14 · 22/05/2025 21:48

ObliviousCoalmine · 21/05/2025 19:26

You’re invited to the hen, an abroad one nonetheless, and not invited to the wedding? I’d be thinking long and hard if I wanted to drop foreign holiday money on a woman who doesn’t think I cut the mustard to come to the wedding day, but I’m good for a hen. Madness.

This^ I think it's crazy she's invited you on a hen where everyone there is invited to the wedding and hasn't invited you to the wedding.

I'd be bowing out and not wasting the money on it unless you actually really want to go. To me this sounds very mean girl behaviour and I'd be really rethinking the friendship with her and tbh the others. This hasn't come out of nothing and I'm wondering just how second tier they actually treat you.

Grammarninja · 22/05/2025 22:36

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 19:23

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

She should be embarrassed, not you. I can't imagine inviting someone on a hen and then not inviting them to the wedding. It's appalling! She should be thoroughly ashamed and you should take the indignancy stance.

Pogue4Life · 23/05/2025 07:13

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 19:23

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

I really do feel for you, it’s not nice to be excluded from things which included people you think are your friends.
I wouldn’t be going to the Hen do though. How are you good/close enough to be included to that but not the wedding. Why would you want to be sharing the cost of something to celebrate someone who doesn’t see you as being part of her close group of friends who she’d want to see her get married.

Mayana1 · 23/05/2025 07:33

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 19:23

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

It is very odd and terrible and with wedding in 2 years time, plenty of things can go wrong anyway, so do not worry about it yet. But I would definitely disinvite her from the christening. Just tell her you realised there is not enough room at the table and you had to make a decision who you need to eliminate and as she is not a close family member, it has to be her. And please do not be embarrased. Nice people always believe everyone else is nice too!!!! Stop socialising with her. She is definitely not a friend! Oh and yes, decline the hen do as well!

Mayana1 · 23/05/2025 07:39

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 19:44

Yeah, organised by bride xx

Show quote history

That is even worse!!!!

exaltedwombat · 23/05/2025 10:23

She’s gone wedding-broody. The Wedding has taken over her life. She needs a certain number of accessories for the hen trip, a certain number for the wedding. Try not to take it personally, she’s (hopefully temporarily) insane.

asrl78 · 23/05/2025 14:09

the80sweregreat · 22/05/2025 11:49

I often refer to groups of women or whatever as ‘ the girls ‘ and I receive cards signed ‘ from the girls ‘ if a relative has two girls or something like that! I know it seems weird , but I don’t think of them as middle aged or older , it’s just an expression people use.

I sometimes refer to my half sisters as "the girls", which is not intended to be patronising but is a habit developed as a result of my father using that term to reference them as a group throughout my life. I don't use the term anywhere else except with him. I hadn't thought anything of terms like that until recently when there was a thread complaining about women being infantilised by being addressed as "girls", so I will avoid using the term in future.

Sorry for going OT, I can't comment on the wedding situation any more than has already been said, it does sound very odd to be invited to the hen but not the wedding. If you don't care much for someone don't invite them to either.

asrl78 · 23/05/2025 14:15

GingerWhitePushkin · 22/05/2025 15:29

Good for you, op!
And for calling out the lady who told you to "grow a spine"- I hate it when when people say that (and they do it a lot on here)- it's so belittling and ignores the fact that most humans- apart from psychopaths- find confrontation horrible.

Show quote history

Agreed, compassion is a great personality trait to have and makes human interaction much more pleasant for all.

comeandhaveteawithme · 23/05/2025 14:26

I'm sorry OP, it's a horrible awkward feeling when you realise a relationship isn't the same to the other person as you thought it was to you.

I had a long term friend, known for many years, babysat her kids regularly, only to get invited to the evening only while the entire rest of the group were invited to the whole day. None of these other friends had done favours like helping her out with her kids and some of them she'd known for a much shorter time than she'd known me. I was a bit younger than I am now and really took it to heart. Didn't stay long at the evening do either.

Regarding the secret sharing, some people just like to offload on the nearest person they can find. Weird, but there you are. I was once standing waiting outside my son's nursery, I was quite early, and another mum just came up to me and started chatting to me about the problems she was having with her boyfriend, really personal stuff, she went right into it for a good 15-20 minutes, even after we had both been handed our boys. I was as sympathetic as I could be but a little taken aback. The the next time I saw her I gave her a friendly smile and said "Oh, hi, how are you?" and she gave me a bemused look and said "yeah, I'm alright" then blanked me. It was like she just used me as a sounding board one day then was done with me and couldn't understand why I was still talking to her.
But she had named her twins Ronnie and Reggie so maybe that says something 💁

comeandhaveteawithme · 23/05/2025 14:44

Also, OP, I've just read all your replies and I really like you 😂

If you lose any friends over this, message me, I'll be your mate 😂

HAB75 · 23/05/2025 21:56

My brain reads this as you've been invited to the fun part where you should get back what you put in, and you've dodged a bullet on another tedious wedding that wastes a precious weekend!

My nose is also twitching at an invitation sent 2 years ahead of the event. The "rules" are there for a reason - an awful lot can happen in 2 years 😆 You may be missing nothing at all!

TatteredAndTorn · 23/05/2025 23:50

Very weird to be close enough to someone to invite them to a hen but then not to the actual wedding?

i think you should check that an invite’s not gone astray but if not, I’d cancel my attendance at the hen making some excuse and gradually withdraw from the “friendship”.

Allog · 24/05/2025 18:28

If you are the only one of the 12 not to be invited then it’s a poor show from her. What would one more meal cost? If a few similar “friends” are also snubbed then that’s different, but you’re still marked as an acquaintance and not a friend

CTGManc · 24/05/2025 18:55

I think she probably knows you’re good for the money and you’ll end up covering less well off people, plus she’s got an eye on you for a present etc. I’d bin the hen do and the friend to be honest, but I’m your mum’s generation and when you get to 56 your bs tolerance for fake friends is all used up. I know it’s not that easy to front up, but you sound lovely and worthy of better friends. For goodness’s sake though please spend the hen money on a family mini break!

lostwithyou · 24/05/2025 19:27

Update? @BecFlowers