To feel really embarrassed haha!!

[BecFlowers]

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

I think so too.

I was just wondering because then it feels extra cheeky to invite her to the hen but not to the wedding (but also asking because I have my first British wedding coming up next year and I was curious).

I’d bin off the hen op.
I understand it’s about money / numbers, but it’s also shit to invite you to the one your paying for and not the wedding itself.

This just sounds.... awful. I don't know how anyone could misread a friendship that much! She sounds like a bitch.

She’s an asshole, op, you’re normal

Please don’t be embarrassed @BecFlowers. You’ve been lovely. Friendly, open, inclusive, up for an expensive hen.

It’s the bride who should feel embarrassed. She may have a v good reason for you to be the only one out of the 11 not to be invited. But she should have explained that to you before invites were sent/given out to everyone else and mentioned on the group chat. It’s basic consideration. Especially if she’d already invited you to the hen and you’d accepted. Most people would assume they’d at least be invited to the reception, if not the wedding itself, meal, speeches etc.

If she’s organising the wedding and the hen, she may be v stressed and overloaded and perhaps hasn’t thought how you’d feel. No point adding to her stress pointing it out or asking why you haven’t been invited, if it’s clearly not a mixup (e.g. your invite lost in post) if she’s confirmed to others you’re not invited.

I think your draft message is great. But if you can afford the hen and want to go, then it’s fine to attend. No point missing a fun weekend away with your mates if you want to go.

Don’t let it cause awkwardness in your group. Don’t gossip within the group about it. Just keep being your usual friendly and kind self. As you say, bloody weddings cause so much stress and unnecessary drama. Maybe once it’s all over, the dust has settled and she’s back to reality, she may mull over how you must’ve felt and say something.

But don’t assume she sees you as a close friend, as she clearly doesn’t.

I wouldn’t go on the hen do- it’s weird to invite people to hen dos but not even get an evening invitation, it’s being done to spread the cost and make up numbers for pics on insta to make her look more popular than she is. Still be breezy etc but just don’t go on Hendo because you have plans .

That being said are you absolutely sure she didn’t post one?

The bride has told the other friends that she hasn't invited OP. Some of them have contacted her as they are also shocked and think that it's unfair.

Yes you're not the one who should be feeling embarrassed OP. TBH the whole 2 year thing speaks volumes, she is loving making herself the center of attention for as many people as possible for as long as possible - which maybe would be forgivable if she was going to spoil everyone rotten at an an amazing wedding.
Your text is perfect, non huffy but factual. She'll know why.

Oh my- yep defo wouldn’t be going in that case!

I’d not go to hen do
your obviously invited to make up numbers and reduce costs for overall group.
no way would I be wasting money on foreign trip with a bunch of women and a bride who is just using you and doesn’t consider you to be a close friend

I would leave the hen do group presuming it’s a separate chat? I wouldn’t say a word. Keep your head high and let her do the explaining. She sounds like a shit friend op.

stressed? the wedding is in 2 years time! i mean sorry to point this out but the bride and groom could’ve parted ways and be engaged to someone else by then. bit ridiculous to be honest sending invites 2 years in advance. she sounds like a numpty

You do sound super lovely OP! I think you’ve handled this perfectly.

What I’m not understanding (have read all your posts) is why on earth she’s sending out wedding invites 2 years in advance??? That leaves so much time to build and also lose friendships in the interim! Is the wedding abroad as well and she’s giving people the chance to save up? What if she makes a very very best friend in the next 2 years?

Glad your mutual friends are 😲 too!

Your message sounds a bit sycophantic and is giving “walk all over me, I don’t mind” vibes. I’d send something like:

Hey XXXX, just wanted to drop you a message before the planning goes any further to let you know, I’m not going to come to Marbella for your hen. Thanks for the invite though - hope it goes well. xx

Polite and pleasant but not excessively so.

I agree. Presumably you like this friendship group so you don't want to force a big taking of sides and make all future encounters awkward.

Going to the hen is no longer valid because they'll all want to chat about the wedding and you don't want to make it awkward. Hope you have a wonderful time and a lovely wedding. Put it back to her actions but politely.

If anything I'd be overly nice so this can never be turned around on you with the others. You don't have to mean it. Just front it out.

You are a valued member of your friendship group. Don't let this push you out.

Ahh don’t feel embarrassed, in your shoes I wouldn’t bother going to the hen do, if she can’t be bothered to invite you to the main event then why should you participate in the lead up xx

A colleague that I was close to many years ago invited me to the hen but not the wedding. The hen was 1 night only. She spoke to me very candidly about the restrictions at the venue and high costs and explained she and her fiance weren't bringing any work mates. She said she would totally understand if I didn't want to spend money on the hen and explained most of the hen party would be going to the wedding and I might be uncomfortable. I 100% respected her decision and went and had a great hen. That's the way to handle it

This!

I think you've handled this really well - honestly it IS humiliating to not be invited when the rest of the group is, and she damn well knows that. She is the one who should be embarrased though, not you.

She's invited people to the hen, who are not at the wedding to facilitate a massive hen so she can feel brilliant and adored and all that shit, so I'd certainly not feel bad about swerving it, it sounds like it'd be a bit of a nightmare anyway.

That’s it, I’m not going to create drama or awkwardness - or lose the friendship group over it. You’re absolutely right, I like them, they like me, we have a great time together socially. This is one person and one scenario! I’m going to just bow out the hen-do and leave it at that. It’s been validating to get it off my chest and chat through the embarrassment, that’s all I needed ♥️

You're absolutely right to stay dignified. I think it's bad manners to invite someone to a hen but not to the marriage. And she's also a CF expecting people to fork out money for an abroad hen. Use that money on something nice for yourself.

A ‘ hen’ back in my day was a drink up the pub.
I don’t understand all these trips abroad for stags and hen dos which always end up with problems and people left out or hating it all and all the rest of it.
Im not sure how people afford it all as well as the cost of a wedding ( which is huge)
Sorry to derail (it is only my opinion too)

I'd definitely not be going to the hen night in this circumstance. Absolute piss taking by the bride.
My hen was local, and I did have a couple of friends come who were evening guests only (had quite a few evening guests - work and friends I'd invite to a party but not see regularly). Certainly did not expect them to spend a lot of money - meal, club, back to mine.

Agree, send it! No excuse just you aren't going :)