Page 17 | To feel really embarrassed haha!!

BecFlowers · 2025-05-21T18:23:58+00:00

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

Original poster

BecFlowers · 24/05/2025 19:59

lostwithyou · 24/05/2025 19:27

Update? @BecFlowers

No update I’m afraid, I plan to take everyone’s advice and not attend the hen do - but I’m waiting for the next round of conversations re. Hen plans do to confirm I’m not going! One thing I will say whilst I’m here 😂quite a few of you on this thread have worked out what I do for a living and I’ve had a heavy few days at work with some emergency situations that have reminded me that things like this - they really don’t matter, in the grand scheme! Just enjoy your life with the people that love you ❤and don’t waste your energy on the trivial! Hope everyone has a fab weekend - promise to update the thread if anything interesting happens - and I will let everyone know when I’ve sent the text 😂xx

OP posts:

Original poster

BecFlowers · 24/05/2025 19:59

lostwithyou · 24/05/2025 19:27

Update? @BecFlowers

No update I’m afraid, I plan to take everyone’s advice and not attend the hen do - but I’m waiting for the next round of conversations re. Hen do plans to confirm I’m not going! I’m not going to give a reason, just say sorry, can’t make it - have a good one. One thing I will say whilst I’m here 😂quite a few of you on this thread have worked out what I do for a living and I’ve had a heavy few days at work with some emergency situations that have reminded me that things like this - they really don’t matter, in the grand scheme! Just enjoy your life with the people that love you ❤and don’t waste your energy on the trivial! Hope everyone has a fab weekend - promise to update the thread if anything interesting happens - and I will let everyone know when I’ve sent the text 😂xx

OP posts:

mcmooberry · 24/05/2025 20:27

Now I didn't see your thread when you first wrote it, and would have felt exactly as embarrassed and down as you did initially, but am glad that even a few days later the sting has largely gone and you have perspective on the situation.

You and your lovely family can have a great holiday with the money you are not now spending on the hen do. I think it's likely she is envious of you in some way and it's a subtle bullying by exclusion situation. Sounds like the rest of the group recognise your fabulousness, so there's that.

Pupinskipops · 24/05/2025 21:53

My initial slightly left-field thought which doesn't actually answer your question? This is marriage that's going to end in divorce. Who sends out invitations 2 years in advance of a wedding?!

Sounds to me more like they want a wedding more than they want an actual marriage...

Janlara · 25/05/2025 01:21

BoundaryGirl3939 · 22/05/2025 10:33

In Ireland, we call it the 'afters'. It doesn't cost the bride and groom anything to invite you to the afters. You purchase your own drinks at the bar, and join in on the socialising and dancing. At this stage, the dinner has been eaten, speeches said and tables cleared for a dance.
In some instances it may suit (perhaps?) but in reality you're expected to travel a fair distance and i feel its hoped you give a gift. It's glaringly obvious to the others there that you didn't make the cut so imo there is an element of humiliation to it. Others may disagree and love and invite to the afters. But in reality if you're not invited to the full wedding, you're not viewed as close and most definitely not in the inner circle.

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It sounds more like an insult than an invitation. Very gracious of you to give a gift. Maybe it's just different customs but if I was invited to any 'afters' they'd just get a "no thanks".

ThisChic · 25/05/2025 02:12

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 21/05/2025 19:29

Well now you know your worth spend the hen do money on yourself. She isn't a friend. You were invited to make her look popular..

Agreed, I wouldn't bother going to the hen, just make a polite excuse. Don't fall out with her just keep a distance.

ThisHonestGoldWriter · 25/05/2025 06:42

If you're going to enjoy the hen do and can afford it, go and have fun. Let's face it, the wedding is the boring bit!! Sorry, I've been to SO many weddings. The waiting around and the photos!! It always stings when you think you're closer to someone than you actually are. I once walked into a situation where someone of whom I was very fond was calling me a "peripheral friend". I thought we were closer. I just let it go and accepted my downgraded status and modified my behaviour accordingly (didn't talk as openly, didn't expect as much from her - just kept it loose and fun). I still know the lady in question (almost 20 years!!) and we have a nice and irregular relationship. We flit in and out of each other's lives, adding value and still having fun. She's had some great insight on various issues. I like her opinion. She's bright. As I've aged, I've worked out that someone can occupy a very small part of my life and still be a great addition. If you like this group, just go along with your bronze level status, smile, have fun and don't expect too much. You sound like a lovely, well-adjusted person and I'm sure you're very likeable so I bet you're not short of close friends. As we go through life, the saying "friends are for a reason, season or life" rings very true. If you're brassic, then come up with a great excuse and get out of the hen do but remain in the group as a peripheral member.

JMSA · 25/05/2025 07:42

Aah, I’m sorry OP. That sucks. For what it’s worth, it’s extremely bad form to invite you to the hen but not the actual wedding.

JMSA · 25/05/2025 07:44

ThisHonestGoldWriter · 25/05/2025 06:42

If you're going to enjoy the hen do and can afford it, go and have fun. Let's face it, the wedding is the boring bit!! Sorry, I've been to SO many weddings. The waiting around and the photos!! It always stings when you think you're closer to someone than you actually are. I once walked into a situation where someone of whom I was very fond was calling me a "peripheral friend". I thought we were closer. I just let it go and accepted my downgraded status and modified my behaviour accordingly (didn't talk as openly, didn't expect as much from her - just kept it loose and fun). I still know the lady in question (almost 20 years!!) and we have a nice and irregular relationship. We flit in and out of each other's lives, adding value and still having fun. She's had some great insight on various issues. I like her opinion. She's bright. As I've aged, I've worked out that someone can occupy a very small part of my life and still be a great addition. If you like this group, just go along with your bronze level status, smile, have fun and don't expect too much. You sound like a lovely, well-adjusted person and I'm sure you're very likeable so I bet you're not short of close friends. As we go through life, the saying "friends are for a reason, season or life" rings very true. If you're brassic, then come up with a great excuse and get out of the hen do but remain in the group as a peripheral member.

Sorry, but why on earth would she go? They’re all going to be talking about the wedding and the OP will feel like shit.
It smacks of ‘you’re good enough to pay for yourself to come to the hen, but not good enough for me to pay for your wedding meal.’

ThisHonestGoldWriter · 25/05/2025 08:17

Because the hen do itself could be the best bit of the wedding. She's been given a pass on the day itself. Flipping result, I'd say. The worst thing would be if the bride changes her mind and gives her an invite for being such a lovely friend, which is possible. The bride will have a budget. She's doing her best to include her in some capacity. The OP has admitted that she's not in the bride's inner circle. I would be getting the bride a cheap gift though. The alternative is to sit the hen do out. I once went to a hen weekend with 2 other women and we were not invited to the wedding, not even the evening do. It was explained to us why we were not (work friends and bride had a tight budget). Hen do was at a cottage in this country and we didn't have to pay. It was a great weekend. I met loads of very funny women and still remember the weekend some 15 years later. Of course, they'll talk about the wedding but people tend not to want to talk about the wedding that much on a hen do because weddings are boring to most people other than the bride. If the OP is strapped for cash or doesn't want to commit the time or expenditure, then she doesn't go. If she's embarrassed then she doesn't go. However, if she thinks the hen could be fun then go and have fun. And make it work for her! If the bride wants her there to make up the numbers and pay for her hen do, then don't go. The trouble is if some other friend suggests that they all pay for the bride.

thepariscrimefiles · 25/05/2025 08:23

ThisHonestGoldWriter · 25/05/2025 08:17

Because the hen do itself could be the best bit of the wedding. She's been given a pass on the day itself. Flipping result, I'd say. The worst thing would be if the bride changes her mind and gives her an invite for being such a lovely friend, which is possible. The bride will have a budget. She's doing her best to include her in some capacity. The OP has admitted that she's not in the bride's inner circle. I would be getting the bride a cheap gift though. The alternative is to sit the hen do out. I once went to a hen weekend with 2 other women and we were not invited to the wedding, not even the evening do. It was explained to us why we were not (work friends and bride had a tight budget). Hen do was at a cottage in this country and we didn't have to pay. It was a great weekend. I met loads of very funny women and still remember the weekend some 15 years later. Of course, they'll talk about the wedding but people tend not to want to talk about the wedding that much on a hen do because weddings are boring to most people other than the bride. If the OP is strapped for cash or doesn't want to commit the time or expenditure, then she doesn't go. If she's embarrassed then she doesn't go. However, if she thinks the hen could be fun then go and have fun. And make it work for her! If the bride wants her there to make up the numbers and pay for her hen do, then don't go. The trouble is if some other friend suggests that they all pay for the bride.

The hen do is going to cost thousands. That may be acceptable if you are one of the bride's close friends (which OP thought she was) but OP would need to use precious annual leave and leave her child to subsidise a bride who had no qualms in leaving one person out of a close group of 12 friends.

OP feels embarassed now and would feel much worse on the hen do when pretty much the only topic of conversation would be a wedding to which she isn't invited.

Jellyrose20 · 25/05/2025 09:50

Fwiw I think you have the right to be upset by this if you are. Not just embarrassed.
I don't understand why she invited you on the hen do but not to the wedding? Those are some mixed messages and it's just bad form IMO.
Is it a really small wedding or something?

Jellyrose20 · 25/05/2025 09:51

Also the wedding is obviously going to be spoken about on the hen do and how does she expect that to make you feel?

ThatCalmPanda · 25/05/2025 10:00

bubbletubble · 21/05/2025 20:44

Just wanted to jump on to say you sound like a lovely person OP ❤️

Reading through this thread, your loveliness really does shine through. Anyone would be lucky to have a friend like you - her loss! ♥️

Jellyrose20 · 25/05/2025 10:06

I've just read your responses and I'm now even more bemused you're not invited. I can tell from your messages what sort of person you are and if you were my friend I'd invite you to my wedding 🤣

surreygirl1987 · 25/05/2025 10:12

ThatCalmPanda · 25/05/2025 10:00

Reading through this thread, your loveliness really does shine through. Anyone would be lucky to have a friend like you - her loss! ♥️

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I totally agree! OP, I wish you were my friend - you sound like such a nice person!

Gemmawemma9 · 25/05/2025 10:52

ThisHonestGoldWriter · 25/05/2025 08:17

Because the hen do itself could be the best bit of the wedding. She's been given a pass on the day itself. Flipping result, I'd say. The worst thing would be if the bride changes her mind and gives her an invite for being such a lovely friend, which is possible. The bride will have a budget. She's doing her best to include her in some capacity. The OP has admitted that she's not in the bride's inner circle. I would be getting the bride a cheap gift though. The alternative is to sit the hen do out. I once went to a hen weekend with 2 other women and we were not invited to the wedding, not even the evening do. It was explained to us why we were not (work friends and bride had a tight budget). Hen do was at a cottage in this country and we didn't have to pay. It was a great weekend. I met loads of very funny women and still remember the weekend some 15 years later. Of course, they'll talk about the wedding but people tend not to want to talk about the wedding that much on a hen do because weddings are boring to most people other than the bride. If the OP is strapped for cash or doesn't want to commit the time or expenditure, then she doesn't go. If she's embarrassed then she doesn't go. However, if she thinks the hen could be fun then go and have fun. And make it work for her! If the bride wants her there to make up the numbers and pay for her hen do, then don't go. The trouble is if some other friend suggests that they all pay for the bride.

it is so weird when people talk about weddings like this on mumsnet (and only mumsnet!!). Weddings are not boring, how old are you, five? Or maybe you just get invited to some crap weddings!!

BusyMum47 · 25/05/2025 12:31

Koazy · 21/05/2025 19:29

Don’t go on the hen and stop saying haha. It’s not funny. She’s a prick.

This! ⬆️ Don't go to the hen & back away from the group. Self preservation.

CandidRaven · 25/05/2025 12:35

Don't go to the hen do! She is inviting you to spread the cost, for me the friendship would be over, you clearly aren't considered a good enough friend to her or she would absolutely want you at her wedding

LifeMovesOn · 25/05/2025 18:24

BakelikeBertha · 21/05/2025 19:27

This!

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Absolutely this!

GreenFawn · 26/05/2025 19:46

Some women are awful, these kind of situations happen in so many female friendships groups, but hardly hear of it with men!

Braygirlnow · 27/05/2025 00:08

But what if your invite was lost in post? It is possible.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/05/2025 07:39

Braygirlnow · 27/05/2025 00:08

But what if your invite was lost in post? It is possible.

If you read all of OP's posts, you will see that the bride has told their other friends that OP is not invited. So this isn't a mistake or a mix-up or a lost invitation. It's a deliberate snub.

Braygirlnow · 27/05/2025 10:53

thepariscrimefiles · 27/05/2025 07:39

If you read all of OP's posts, you will see that the bride has told their other friends that OP is not invited. So this isn't a mistake or a mix-up or a lost invitation. It's a deliberate snub.

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In that case best to turn down the invite to the hen, it will be very costly and as she doesn't consider you a close enough friend to invite you to her wedding its a bit of a cheek to invite you to the hen where you're expected to pay towards the the brides expenses. Just bow out gracefully.