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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really embarrassed haha!!

424 replies

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 19:23

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

OP posts:
summerscomingsoon · 21/05/2025 19:59

I certainly wouldn't be wasting any money on an abroad hen when I'm not even important a friend to be invited to the wedding.

don't be taken for a fool.

Throwingitallaway24 · 21/05/2025 19:59

HuffleMyPuffle · 21/05/2025 19:53

Could it be that those invites are actually "Be my bridesmaid" invites and the actual ones will go out later to guests? 2027 seems very early to be sending the actual invites out 🤔

That’s a good point actually it’s really early for actual invites but would make more sense if it were bridesmaid cards or save the dates maybe?

Cnidarian · 21/05/2025 20:00

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 19:57

Could be - it’s a huge party vibe and I suppose you don’t necessarily need to feel close to people to have a massive party weekend with them all do you? If that makes sense x

Show quote history

How many people she's not that close to is she expecting to drop serious cash for an abroad hen?!

TortolaParadise · 21/05/2025 20:01

Similar has happened to me before; hen abroad and an invite to the evening meal only. It was a big church ceremony too. Privately thought it very cheeky indeed. Just me and one other invited to the hen were the cash cows all the other hens were maids. It was many years ago now so doesn't matter but it is a memory all the same.

WonderingWanda · 21/05/2025 20:01

She is utterly ridiculous to be inviting people to her hen who aren't invited to the wedding...who does that? Tell her you're declining because it will feel weird to be at the hen do when you're not invited to the wedding.

SALaw · 21/05/2025 20:01

She’s a twat for sending invites to a wedding in 2 years. Free yourself from all plans.

summerscomingsoon · 21/05/2025 20:01

ScrewedByFunding · 21/05/2025 19:36

Blimey where's your self respect? Are you going to bumble along like it doesn't matter and you don't care? You do care and it does matter.

this.
have some self respect. she only wants you on the hen do to look good and pay her costs. FFS get a grip and some self respect. say no to the hen do

IberianBlackout · 21/05/2025 20:02

I would feel massively hurt and frankly would dip out of the hen do. If anyone asks why I’d just say I’m not invited to the wedding so I feel like the hen do is more of a bonding thing between other girls who’ve been invited, I don’t want to feel like I’m intruding.

Massive dick move on her part even if not on purpose.

HalfTermLooming · 21/05/2025 20:03

I would give yourself a little time to work through how you feel. If lots of people going to the hen party aren’t invited to the wedding then you can go if you want to and you want to make memories with the rest of the people in the group. She should have made it clear though when she invited you that it was just hen as pp said the hen is usually a smaller subset of the wedding guest list not the other way round.

You know what you know now and it’s already changed how you view things so you might find you want to invest in her and the group less.

You were right to be really shocked though in my opinion. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to about it who’ll have you back?

IberianBlackout · 21/05/2025 20:03

I’m not from the UK though so am I reading this right: do the hen do guests cover the bride’s costs?

Original poster
BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 20:03

Blackdow · 21/05/2025 19:57

Do not go to the hen. She is unbelievably rude to expect you to pay out for an expensive abroad hen do (which will no doubt include covering some of her share of dinner and drinks as she is the bride) when you’re not even invited to the wedding. That’s just not something you do. You don’t ask people to spend money on a wedding activity and then leave them out of the wedding.

Don’t go. Send her a polite simple message saying you think it would be inappropriate for you to attend the hen do, and have all that expense, when you’re not actually invited to the wedding. Wish her well with it and leave it there.

Thank you. I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to be that direct (I don’t disagree with you though!) what about my draft…

Hey XXXX, hope you’re okay! Just wanted to drop you a message before the planning goes any further to let you know, I’m not going to come to Marbella for the hen. Thanks for the invite though - you’ll have the best time! Good luck with the planning, see you at XXXX’s birthday dinner xx

Friendly but to the point? Help 😂

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 21/05/2025 20:04

First I would make sure they were definitely wedding invitations (BTW I don't think it's that early to invite people or St least send save the dates which are supposedly different but in practice almost the same thing). The only think that you could legitimately be embarrassed about here is if you've got that wrong.

Secondly, once sure, I would address it with the bride directly. You don't have to be argumentative about it - just polite and asking a question.

You could say something like:
"Hi, thanks again for the invitation to yout hen do. It sounds great. Before I commit to it though... can I just check something with you? Invited to the hen do but not your actual wedding?'

And see what she says.

If she confirms, basically, yes,

You can either not reply and not go to either, or you can reply and say 'in that case I'll decline on the hen do. Have a lovely wedding.' And I'd simply not see her again.

If, however, it's impossible not to see her again if you want to maintain friendships with the rest of the group, it's tricky. But I think it will be awkward now however you deal with this.

surreygirl1987 · 21/05/2025 20:05

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 20:03

Thank you. I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to be that direct (I don’t disagree with you though!) what about my draft…

Hey XXXX, hope you’re okay! Just wanted to drop you a message before the planning goes any further to let you know, I’m not going to come to Marbella for the hen. Thanks for the invite though - you’ll have the best time! Good luck with the planning, see you at XXXX’s birthday dinner xx

Friendly but to the point? Help 😂

Show quote history

Hmmm. Too nice I think. I'd want to make it clear that it's because of the exclusion from the wedding that I'm not bothering with the hen do.

IberianBlackout · 21/05/2025 20:05

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 20:03

Thank you. I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to be that direct (I don’t disagree with you though!) what about my draft…

Hey XXXX, hope you’re okay! Just wanted to drop you a message before the planning goes any further to let you know, I’m not going to come to Marbella for the hen. Thanks for the invite though - you’ll have the best time! Good luck with the planning, see you at XXXX’s birthday dinner xx

Friendly but to the point? Help 😂

Show quote history

I think it’s good. It’s friendly and it doesn’t give any openings. Very open and shut.

BountifulPantry · 21/05/2025 20:05

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 20:03

Thank you. I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to be that direct (I don’t disagree with you though!) what about my draft…

Hey XXXX, hope you’re okay! Just wanted to drop you a message before the planning goes any further to let you know, I’m not going to come to Marbella for the hen. Thanks for the invite though - you’ll have the best time! Good luck with the planning, see you at XXXX’s birthday dinner xx

Friendly but to the point? Help 😂

Show quote history

Yes. Friendly but importantly you don’t say you can’t because XYZ excuse.

You say you aren’t going to come. No excuse.

Perfect message.

Send.

surreygirl1987 · 21/05/2025 20:06

IberianBlackout · 21/05/2025 20:03

I’m not from the UK though so am I reading this right: do the hen do guests cover the bride’s costs?

In all the ones I've been to, yes... but it's not like it's a rule.

Are you wondering if that's why she's invited so many hens?

BruFord · 21/05/2025 20:06

Your text is fine. If she asks why, I’d either tell her the truth )because you’re not invited to the wedding) or just repeat that you can’t make it. She may assume that you can’t afford it, which is fine, ‘cos you’d be expected to contribute to her costs.

SmallSoupcon · 21/05/2025 20:08

It's a great message, but do you want to confirm you're definitely not invited to the wedding first? Otherwise you could be burning bridges. Is there another friend in the group you can ask to find out for sure?

HalfTermLooming · 21/05/2025 20:08

IberianBlackout · 21/05/2025 20:03

I’m not from the UK though so am I reading this right: do the hen do guests cover the bride’s costs?

Sometimes. Less likely in ones organised by the bride themselves (often the bridesmaids will do the organising) I would have thought… but who knows what this bride expects!

Original poster
BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 20:09

BruFord · 21/05/2025 20:06

Your text is fine. If she asks why, I’d either tell her the truth )because you’re not invited to the wedding) or just repeat that you can’t make it. She may assume that you can’t afford it, which is fine, ‘cos you’d be expected to contribute to her costs.

This may sound dick-ish, but she’ll know I can afford it because of my job - there’s no other way to phrase that, she knows what I do and knows I earn well. I mention that purely because I’m sort of secretly hoping she’ll know it’s cos she didn’t invite me to the wedding 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 20:11

SmallSoupcon · 21/05/2025 20:08

It's a great message, but do you want to confirm you're definitely not invited to the wedding first? Otherwise you could be burning bridges. Is there another friend in the group you can ask to find out for sure?

Well she posted an insta story saying wedding invites sent, shits getting real type of thing and I mentioned earlier I’ve seen her and the receiving of the invites has been discussed in the group chat; so it’s sort of sure as one can ever be until the actual event if you’re with me x

OP posts:
Original poster
BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 20:12

surreygirl1987 · 21/05/2025 20:06

In all the ones I've been to, yes... but it's not like it's a rule.

Are you wondering if that's why she's invited so many hens?

Show quote history

I am now 😂

OP posts:
ilovesushi · 21/05/2025 20:13

I would feel exactly the same, but really there is no reason to be embarrassed. I bet you wish you could uninvte her to the christening now. As others have said, go on the hen do if you want to and you think you'll enjoy it, if not sack it off.

BruFord · 21/05/2025 20:14

@BecFlowers That's actually better in a way as she’ll def. know that there’s more to your decision than financial considerations.

Actions have consequences- if she doesn’t treat her friends well, they won’t come on her expensive hen do and pay her costs!
Send your text.

Barney16 · 21/05/2025 20:14

I don't understand why you would be invited to the hen but not the wedding. That's so unfair. Everyone will be talking about the wedding you aren't going to. I'm with lots of other posters, I wouldn't go and I would spend the money on something lovely.