To feel really embarrassed haha!!

[BecFlowers]

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

I'm sorry but what a b*tch!

I'd just say thanks so much for the invite to the hen party but it doesn't feel right attending that when I'm not even invited to the wedding but I wish you the best with everything. Wow I'm fuming for you that's awful. You have nothing to be embarrassed about though! Some women are strange xx

I think you should absolutely bow out of the henner. Does the bride know you are invited to the hen, or is that being kept secret from her? She might not know who is on the guest list for that.
Hope you dont feel to embarrassed now you've got it off your chest on here, but I think this tells you all you need to know about how close you are with her.

If you are hurt about it which sounds understandable in the the light of the texts from others in the group who are surprised, I would ask her about it directly in person not on the phone when you can get her alone and look in the eye say something like

I wanted to ask you about something. This could be a bit awkward but I thought we were good friends and I was a bit surprised and hurt to not be invited to your wedding when it looks like the whole of this group of friends has been invtied but not me. it's all been a bit confusing for me to be invited to the hen but not to the wedding.I totally appreciate that you can ask who you want to your wedding but it's been really bothering me and the fact youve not spoken to me about it. I was just wondering whether there was a reason and whether Ive done something to upset you.

You may get flannelling bluster with no real answer, you may get a lie or you may get a true answer but I think it would be good for you to be open and allow her an opportunity to clear the air because it's obviously going to be an anchor that is dragging on the bottom of your friendship and the whole group going forward.

If i were you I'd back way back, way, way back away, far away from the whole situation.

Sorry to say that she doesn't see you in the same way as a friend. She's either a complete bitch and hasn't the guts to tell you or she simply sees you as a hanger on and is being immature about it.

I certainly wouldn't be going to any hen party or spending any hard earned wage on her.

For your own self security and sanity back away now. Don't come out of any WhatsApp groups just don't reply nor get involved in any chat.

I never understand why someone can be invited to the hen do but not the wedding. So it's fine for you to come if you're paying for it, but not if she is? No way.

I'm so sorry this is absolutely awful. I would feel so so hurt and mortified. I definitely wouldn't go to the hen do! Then all the other girls will ask why aren't you going to her or you and you can say well I'm not invited to the wedding so I don't see the point in spending my money on a hen do when I'm not invited to the actual wedding. That's what I'd do. You wouldn't be being petty, she is the petty one. Fancy inviting everyone else in your friend group and not you! That's actually awful. What a bitch. I'm so sorry. This is so horrible. I'm actually shocked. WTAF. Wish I could give you a big hug OP.

100% this

Good for you, op!
And for calling out the lady who told you to "grow a spine"- I hate it when when people say that (and they do it a lot on here)- it's so belittling and ignores the fact that most humans- apart from psychopaths- find confrontation horrible.

I must admit to not reading through the whole thread apart from OP's posts but am I the only one flabbergasted at invitations being sent out 2 YEARS in advance?

We once received an evening only invite a year in advance and we were amazed at how early that was but 2 years?? I had only known DH 22 months before we got married, (although I appreciate that was many many moons ago 😄.) Cripes, 2 years!
Methinks she'll be exceptionally lucky not to have loads of cancellations by then. Hopefully she doesn't have to give final numbers until very close to the actual date.

Don't be surprised if you receive an invitation then, OP. 😁

BecFlowers fwiw I think you have handled this brilliantly and you sound like a terrific friend.👍

I guess it’s because it’s abroad . People need to budget and plan annual leave.

Not sure what advice to give on how to handle this as it all seems very odd and I suspect most of the other girls in the group will be shocked when they hear you're not invited. Assuming there hasn't been some horrible mix up and she thinks you've had your invite or something, I just wanted to say poor you. It sounds like a very hurtful situation to be in (& it doesn't matter how old you are - it still hurts to be excluded). I would be tempted to say in a non confrontational way that you'd find it quite hard/would feel left out attending the hen when everyone will be excitedly talking about the wedding & for that reason you will gracefully bow out. If you do that though it's better face to face so that words can't be misconstrued.

It's about cost and inviting essential people only. My besties daughter got married. I was invited to engagement house party but only to evening wedding party.Their friends from earlier tears were at the wedding whilst children growing up. But as a 20yr old friend I wasnt in their life then even though its that long now!! Another bestie said " get your hat ready " for her sons wedding. Then when I asked the date much later it was a weekday. Turned out again the couple only wanted their friends etc.I wasnt invited to anything lol. I am single , even worse. Singles get left out of lifes plan. Unfairly. Also besties hubby had 60th party and all couples invited but not me. I'm not part of that group so was ok about it. Be proud. No enbarresment required. Weddings 20 to 30 grand. Its about cost n money !! Hugs x

This 100%.

Please withdraw from the hen arrangements, it is rubbish that you'd be welcome to cough up and make the numbers up for that but not get a wedding invite .

When I was invited only to evening do. They then asked me when someone dropped out if I wanted to go to wedding. And could I pick up very unwell , elderly mother and bring her along. It was a bit confusing lol. Both weddings were a distance away therefore a cost etc. Staying or travel costs. Also influenced decisions. Nowt so queer as folks !! Also have to make difficult decisions. Try not to take offence, its not personal. Just about groups. Hugs x

I disagree. It's a private matter based on what they can afford. Tough decisions have to made. No sentiment in business. Sorry. Shouldnt take it personally. Its not meant this way.

Why in earth would you invite someone to the hen do (abroad, expensive etc… and that will nicely pay for some of YOUR cost) if you aren’t inviting them to the wedding?
Esp when it’s done like the bride did ‘no you’re not invited’ rather than a ‘I’m sorry I can’t put you on the list for the wedding but I’d still love to see you at the hen fo’.

there’s a huge sense of entitlement there. From the bride!

This is not business, it's personal so yes, OP can take it personally.

MN has the most inexplicable bizarre issue with women calling their friends, girls.

In my large lovely circle of professional MC women whom are late 50's, early 60's ....we all call our friends, our girl friends and "the girls".

OP, you sound lovely.
I think her leaving one person out of the wedding day, with the expectation of her attendance at the expensive Hen, is both crass low class behaviour.

You are well out of it. Enjoy your other friends.
I think she has really embarrassed herself.

@Pickingdates Yes! I’m 50 and when I go out with my friends, I’ll often say that we’re having a girl’s night out or I’m going to xx with the girls. Even though we’re all late 40’s to late 50’s.

Going out with the women doesn’t sound right for some reason. 😂

I would get rid of that friendship not genuine.

You sound thoughtful, kind and considerate.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
She should be mortified and one day, on reflection, I'm sure she will be.

Also thanks for doing what you do In healthcare.

Maybe your right. Not sure. Difficult. I wouldnt do it, but some do. Usually those not well versed in etiquette perhaps? Take your point.

Exactly this! No way would i waste time being friends with her.

I just want to know how the bride reacts when you tell her you won’t be attending the hen!

I can’t believe she would be so cruel to exclude you out of the other 10 who are all invited. You’re one other person she is friends with so why would she decide to exclude you? I wonder if ur other friends asked her why you are only invited to the hen and not the wedding, that’s something I defo would’ve asked

Please don’t go to the hen do of a wedding you’re NOT invited to. It’s so cheeky of her to think that’s ok. You’re either all in or not. Please stand up for yourself and politely decline the invite. Hen dos go hand in hand with a wedding. You’re not second tier