To feel really embarrassed haha!!

[BecFlowers]

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

I’d be declining this very fast, why should you fork out loads of money, she is not a friend !

Good decision not to go

OP, you are my hero, and you can come to my wedding if you like.

You’re more invested in this relationship than she is. I would seriously be thinking hard about spending hundreds of my hard earned cash, on a friend that I apparently am not good enough to share her wedding day with! You sound a lovely level headed friend. Know your worth.

This happened to me OP- group of uni friends - all lived together, all invited to each others weddings and meet up together apart from one friend who didn’t invite me to hers (and the engagement was kept off the group chat). At least I wasn’t invited to the hen! I think you do either need to bow out of that or ask the organiser if the bride knows you’re invited as you haven’t been invited to the wedding. For my friends it has changed the group dynamics now though - I think the other girls feel awkward about it and don’t want to mention the hen or wedding- I kind of had the same attitude as you re: bemusement but it’s also her wedding her choice. I just haven’t said anything! 🙊

When is this hen do taking place OP? 2026 or 2027? So much can happen in this time span. Friendships within the group falling out, anything could happen and you could observe from the sidelines. Just imagine the bridezillering that is about to start!

You do realise that you have to keep this thread ticking over til the wedding so you can report back with all the gossip that is bound to occur..

She’s an unkind bitch and truly, is not your friend. I would rethink your friendship group, the money you’re spending on her hen. It’s a spiteful and unnecessary think to do, and it is embarrassing when the closeness of a friendship turns out to be one sided. I’m sorry and you deserve better. Let yourself feel embarrassed and hurt, have a cry and then put your big girl pants on and work out a plan to extricate yourself from her and the group. Fuck being a convenience friend.

Sounds perfect ♥️ You can come to mine, too! But fair warning, it’s likely going to take us circa 25 years to organise because we are useless and keep going on holiday with the wedding money instead 🤣

Because back in the day these were my husbands friends and their partners which formed a friendship group. I was new to the area and these were my husbands tribe so to speak.

No you couldn’t, she’s not been rude.

It’s sounds like you need to cry about it. Sometimes I laugh when I know I really need to cry. It’s ok to be upset/embarrassed. I’d have a big ugly cry and then I’d feel better and be able to smile and say ‘well yeh, we’re not close, no dramas or anything’ if anyone asked what the deal was.

How strange of her. It sounds like you see her very regularly OP - coffees, spin, lunches. I presume you go on nights out, events, weekends away etc as a group.

Does she really expect to keep meeting you weekly for coffees and gym classes, and go on girly weekends away for the next 2 years and then you’re just not invited to her wedding, especially when everyone else is? You sound good natured and level headed about it all but does it not annoy you?

If you get the opportunity, next time it comes up I would put a friendly message about not going to the hen and wishing everyone a good time in the general group chat. Followed quickly by a direct message to the bride something like - ‘as per previous message just letting you know I can’t make it - have a blast! Will catch up soon!’

that way everyone knows the situation and that you have responded gracefully

I really don’t understand why she invited everyone else in the group and excluded you - it really would have been fairer to just include everyone for the sake of two extra guests. Different if she had only picked a few people for limited numbers or something like that, but this feels pretty personal. I had a similar situation and was devastated, I never looked at the friendship in the same light and it fizzled out over time. Don’t cross oceans for people who wouldn’t jump over a puddle for you. Life’s too short - focus on those who matter!

OP you sound like the loveliest person! Good for you not going to the Hen Do, totally the right choice!

I've been there. Stings when you don't get an invite.
I was invited to the afters of a wedding 10 years ago by a colleague. Most of the staff got a full invite. The afters is a half invitation but a shit one. You don't get dinner, cake, prosecco. You show up at about 9/10 pm like a desperdo at the end of the night and join in on the disco. I would have had to drive 2 hours to get there. I declined. It was insulting and I'm happy looking back I didn't go. I did give a small gift though to look graceful about it.
I suggest you decline the invitation to the hen. You will be happy in years to come that you displayed that self respect. I would begin distancing myself from her as she really doesn't seem to care about you.

What was the bride thinking?

Why be so secretive about giving out wedding invites, but then invite you to the hen do? Haven't been to a hen for a while, but as far as I remember everyone just talks about the wedding. It's kind of the point. Was she planning on clearing the air at some point before the hen, or did she just want to have a very awkward holiday?

Maybe there were crossed wires between the bride and maid of honour?

This.

OP seems pretty cool!

I have to know , is the “afters “ even a different invite to the evening reception ? Or is this just another term for evening reception .

if not that is shocking I’m glad you declined !

Neither was I. I simply expressed my opinion. But I guess I failed to "be kind" about it and that makes me "rude". My mistake. I must have forgotten I was woman when I posted that and the double standards that go along with that.

I guess that's what so many adult women call themselves "girlies" again, to avoid such baseless accusations.

I'd prob feel the same way as you tbh and a little miffed and hurt. think my pride would get in the way and I'd just say I can't attend the hen do. its not going to be cheap going abroad either, some brides invite more people to a hen do hoping they'd chip in paying for her since its her hen do. if that was the case id feel used that I'm good enough to help pay for her out of my pocket but not good enough for a wedding invite. maybe treat yourself to something nice instead or maybe even arrange to go on holiday with someone you do class as a friend..because that women def doesnt sound like a true friend to me,

With my cousins we call ourselves girlies or girls (we are in our 50’s & 60’s). Our mums are the mums/women/ladies.

With my friends we are ladies if met after dcs. Same with ex work colleagues. School/uni friends we are ‘girls’.

I’ve never really thought about it before!

In Ireland, we call it the 'afters'. It doesn't cost the bride and groom anything to invite you to the afters. You purchase your own drinks at the bar, and join in on the socialising and dancing. At this stage, the dinner has been eaten, speeches said and tables cleared for a dance.
In some instances it may suit (perhaps?) but in reality you're expected to travel a fair distance and i feel its hoped you give a gift. It's glaringly obvious to the others there that you didn't make the cut so imo there is an element of humiliation to it. Others may disagree and love and invite to the afters. But in reality if you're not invited to the full wedding, you're not viewed as close and most definitely not in the inner circle.

Perhaps it may be viewed as a pity invite - 'You don't make the cut but I don't want to fully reject you either'. In reality it's a bit of an insult imo.

Ah ,I'm sorry ,that must hurt 😞
Are you going to go to the hen do ...
Seems odd to invite you to the hen ,but not the wedding

Quite often a hen do is months before the wedding so you don't actually know who is invited to the wedding (or which part of the wedding).

I think it's really rude to invite someone to an EXPENSIVE hen do and then not invite them to any part of the wedding.

I also don't understand the OP's 'ha ha'. I wouldn't be laughing at myself in this situation.