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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really embarrassed haha!!

424 replies

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 19:23

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I just have to get it out and can’t tell anyone in real life. A friend - someone I thought was a best friend - is getting married. We’re a big group of girls, there’s 12 of us in total. I “joined” the group later via 2 of the girls I’m friends with and have always a bit of a second tier friend, which I’m totally fine with - I don’t have the shared history they have etc. but I thought her and I were very close, considering some of the things she’s told me, what I thought was the depth our friendship, the fun we have etc. Said girly is getting married and whilst I didn’t have any delusions about being a bridesmaid or anything… I’m not actually invited to the wedding. I’ve been invited on the abroad hen do, all us are going, and I thought none of us had wedding invitations yet (it’s in 2027 so a good while off) but then they all posted on insta stories/talked in our group chat about the gorgeous invites. Got excited - thank God I didn’t say anything hahaha - and then saw her for coffee this week with another of the girls. She gave the other girl her invite (very discretely I was still in my car) and then I never got one. I’m not invited. There’s been no meanness or change and I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s her day but I’M SO EMBARRASSED hahaha I keep randomly laughing to myself about what a tit I feel. I feel a bit sad but hey, her wedding, but whyyyyy do I feel so spine tinglingly humiliated 😂I invited her to my daughters christening next month and I thought she looked a bit bemused when I said close family and friends. AIBU to be so embarrassed at how wrongly I’ve read this friendship 😂 I’m 33 not 13!

OP posts:
Clp001 · 22/05/2025 10:50

I've been to several hen dos, where I wasn't invited to the wedding, though admittedly they were night outs rather then weekends away. To me, that's perfectly normal. The hen do is the big group event for all your friends, work colleagues etc, then the wedding is for close friends and family. However, I realise other people have different options to me.

NotMeekNotObedient · 22/05/2025 10:53

I don't see a problem inviting someone to the hen but not the wedding. I think the issue here is the communication. Maybe the bride is having a very small budget wedding and can't afford 100 guests. But she needed to be upfront about that. 'we are having a very small intimate wedding, with immediate friends and family only, but would love you to be part of my hen, please let me know if you can attend'. Simple. Then OP can say yes or no.

I think I'd be feeling a bit put out too to have not received an invite with no explanation but had been already invited to the hen.

Op it's the bride that should be embarrassed not you.

The bride obviously does care about your feelings OP or she wouldn't have been discreet with the invite to the other friend.

You don't need to be everyone's best friend OP, just enjoy the friendship for what it is.

Away2000 · 22/05/2025 10:54

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 19:51

Yes, it’s been organised by her. I’d agree normally, but think maybe her approach to hen is slightly different, I know a few people she works with have been invited that aren’t invited to her wedding - conversation from a few weeks ago x

Show quote history

Is she planning on booking an expensive place for everyone to stay and everyone splitting the cost? If so maybe she’s just inviting more people so it’s cheaper…

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 22/05/2025 10:57

Weddings are tricky. Space is often limited and there are people you 'have' to invite even if you don't really know them very well or don't particularly like them. Aunts, uncles, first cousins, their spouses plus godparents and some colleagues spring to mind. Once these duty invitees have declined you can then start inviting the people you actually like and want to spend time with. Hopefully you will fall into that second category.

My DD got married last year. After initially accepting my big sister and her family pulled out the week before. DD was then able to invite some friends of mine who she knows better and likes more but hadn't had the space for until then. Despite it being very last minute they weren't insulted. They understood the situation and were delighted to attend. They sat at the family table in the spaces previously allocated to my sister and her crew and a good time was had by all.

Idrinklotsofcoffee · 22/05/2025 11:01

I've got a similar experience, and I am going to the wedding. This weekend. Abroad. I was invited to the hen party in this country and attended a few months ago. I knew she was having a civil ceremony here and asked who was attending when at the hen party. It was brushed over quite quickly with 'just family'. I then saw online that everyone from the hen was there, and it was a very big wedding. I had already committed to the wedding abroad, so I couldn't back out, but I felt like a mug. I'm not actually sure what this event is, I'm going to as they got married months ago, everybody was there, and she had professional photos and is wearing the same wedding dress.

RumAndDietCoke · 22/05/2025 11:11

She’s being a twat. Anyone invited to the hen should be invited to the wedding, otherwise why invite them? I’d be tempted to distance myself.

BestDIL · 22/05/2025 11:13

I think it's really strange to invite someone on the hen do but not the wedding and actually very crass of your friend. Surely she could have invited you to the evening do, if not the whole day.

You mentioned that the hen do will cost a lot of money. I certainly wouldn't be going if I were in your shoes.

You sound lovely and it must be validating for you to have others in the group be outraged on your behalf. Like others have suggested, if the bride asks why you're not going on the hen do, just explain that it would be strange to go to that but not be invited to the wedding!

the80sweregreat · 22/05/2025 11:21

I agree that ‘ the hen ‘ do is just a way around keeping the costs down abroad and you’d be better off out of it as I’d bet money on people dropping out before two years are up anyway. At least they can’t ask for any deposits or anything like that if you say no from the start.

Merrymouse · 22/05/2025 11:28

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 22/05/2025 10:57

Weddings are tricky. Space is often limited and there are people you 'have' to invite even if you don't really know them very well or don't particularly like them. Aunts, uncles, first cousins, their spouses plus godparents and some colleagues spring to mind. Once these duty invitees have declined you can then start inviting the people you actually like and want to spend time with. Hopefully you will fall into that second category.

My DD got married last year. After initially accepting my big sister and her family pulled out the week before. DD was then able to invite some friends of mine who she knows better and likes more but hadn't had the space for until then. Despite it being very last minute they weren't insulted. They understood the situation and were delighted to attend. They sat at the family table in the spaces previously allocated to my sister and her crew and a good time was had by all.

But it sounds as though you were upfront and explained the situation.

Original poster
BecFlowers · 22/05/2025 11:44

SmoothRoads · 22/05/2025 10:16

Neither was I. I simply expressed my opinion. But I guess I failed to "be kind" about it and that makes me "rude". My mistake. I must have forgotten I was woman when I posted that and the double standards that go along with that.

I guess that's what so many adult women call themselves "girlies" again, to avoid such baseless accusations.

Show quote history

Goodness me, bit of a reach here; my friends and I call ourself the girls/girlies. As I was talking about them, I used the terminology we use when referring to each other. If you don’t like that terminology, don’t use it. But equally - just get over it, who cares 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Whatadayyyyyyy · 22/05/2025 11:44

Yes don’t spend money going on an abroad hen if you’re not even invited to the wedding! What a cheek of her to invite you and expect you to spend all that money if she doesn’t invite you to the actual wedding

the80sweregreat · 22/05/2025 11:49

I often refer to groups of women or whatever as ‘ the girls ‘ and I receive cards signed ‘ from the girls ‘ if a relative has two girls or something like that! I know it seems weird , but I don’t think of them as middle aged or older , it’s just an expression people use.

DurinsBane · 22/05/2025 12:20

SmoothRoads · 22/05/2025 08:26

I couldn't make past all the "girls" and "girlies". I take it from the context that you are all over 18? Then please stop demeaning yourself by still referring to yourselves are children.

If a woman and her friends want to refer to themselves as girls, that is up to them. Quite a few do in RL, just seems to be MN that doesn’t like it

BlueTitShark · 22/05/2025 12:26

You’ve taken the decision to not go. That’s a really fair decision tbh.

Seeing the comments from friends about the fact you’re not invited and some got upset/annoyed about it,I’m going yo say I’d expectations people to take sides. Just as you’re not going to see the bride in the same light, I suspect it will somehow change the dynamics in the group too. Esp if some of the friends raise it with her (even if in a ‘Im surprised @BecFlowers isn't invited)

And btw she only invited you for numbers to reduce her own cost…

MaisieMouse87 · 22/05/2025 12:34

I think you're doing the right thing not going. You sound like you're trying to put on a brave face on it and ignoring your feelings but they are entirely justified and if the bride asks you about it you should go ahead and tell her. It's spiteful to leave one friend out of a group. Good enough to go to all the effort of paying and going to the hen but not good enough for the actual wedding? And for her to not even have the decency to tell you? Fuck that.

winterwarmer8274 · 22/05/2025 12:39

A similar thing happened to me once, it was awkward a few times when I saw people and they brought it up as if I was going and I had to keep telling people ‘I’m not going because I’m not invited’

At some point the bride obviously started feeling guilty and reached out with an invite pretending ‘I just hadn’t sent the last batch out’. I didn’t go.

I think the message you drafted is fine, I wouldn’t make a big deal out of not being invited / cause drama. Kill them with kindness as they say!

AnonymousBleep · 22/05/2025 13:00

I had a friend I thought of as a close friend - I'd known her for years, been through a lot with her, she gave me the 'something borrowed' for my own wedding - get married and not only not invite me, but not even tell me. I found out when I saw the pics on Facebook. In that instant I realised I must have completely overestimated our friendship, and certainly what I meant to her. It was quite heartbreaking actually. I told her I was really hurt and just haven't been able to bring myself to see or speak to her again, although she's reached out a few times. Never with an apology though, which might actually make a difference.

Oh and my sister didn't bother coming to my wedding, but she's a whole other kettle of fish.

Ah well. I feel for you, OP. At least you can see her for what she is. I wouldn't cause drama over it, but I wouldn't be spunking a load of money on the hen do, that's for sure.

looselegs · 22/05/2025 13:23

I always think that if someone is invited to the hen do but not the wedding, then it's only to make up the numbers......

ForWildLemon · 22/05/2025 13:31

Hey OP I just wanted to say how much I admire your level head, your grace and ability to be measured and not leap into being overly defensive or going too far into taking massive offence. It’s so interesting that even in this thread people are trying to stir the pot and berate you and the friendship group as a whole - just to add to other voices though, I think you’ve shown grace, self-respect and a sense of humour about this.

A very mature attitude and reaction. I think you’re dealing with a really tricky situation with real dignity. 🌸

LilacReader · 22/05/2025 13:43

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 20:26

Update - bride must have mentioned to a few of the girls I’m not invited to the wedding tonight at spin (I skipped it - not cos of this, cos I’m lazy 😏) as I’ve had some texts outside the group chat being a bit scandalised on my behalf. I’m not getting embroiled in any drama and have replied just super factually. I didn’t need that but DO feel a bit better that other people (along with you lovely lot) feel the exclusion is a bit harsh. The general consensus from the couple of messages are “surely you’re not gonna fork out a few grand for Marbella now” and some general moaning about unrealistic expectations, so I’ll send my message tomorrow, then leave it at that!!! Honestly, bloody weddings 😂

Apologies, still reading through the messages. It's probably been asked but are you literally the only one of the group not invited or are there one or two others? If there are a couple of you then it's not so bad but if you are the only one then she should have sorted something. To be honest, if it's the latter then I am surprised one of the others hasn't called her out on it?

MilesOfMotivation · 22/05/2025 13:50

Not a chance I'd be going on the hen, she just wants the numbers to make herself look popular. Screw that! So weird to go on a hen do but not be invited to the wedding.

Stickortwigs · 22/05/2025 13:51

BecFlowers · 21/05/2025 21:09

That’s it, I’m not going to create drama or awkwardness - or lose the friendship group over it. You’re absolutely right, I like them, they like me, we have a great time together socially. This is one person and one scenario! I’m going to just bow out the hen-do and leave it at that. It’s been validating to get it off my chest and chat through the embarrassment, that’s all I needed ♥️

Edited
Show quote history

What a pragmatic, unmumsnetty post. To be realistic, accept it’s not a good situation but be able to see the bigger picture I have lots of respect for.

Dancingintherain09 · 22/05/2025 14:11

I wouldn't go to the hen. I would bow out by saying " sorry I would feel awkward going to a hen do, where im not going to the wedding. So I'll bow out thanks."

Artsyjojo · 22/05/2025 14:11

I get that as you say you haven't known her as long as the other in your group but to be friends enough to be in a chat group where they are all talking about their gorgeous invites is just cringe to me. The bride should have been more thoughtful. It seems hurtful even that it is in your face each time they talk about it in the friendship group. Maybe like someone said it is just the bridesmaid invites and not general wedding ones. I'm not sure I would want to spend money on an expensive abroad hen do if that is the only invite. For her to do the invite discreetly to the other person speaks volumes that she knows exactly what she is doing by avoiding giving you one. I feel for you even if you haven't taken it personally.

Nikkynakkynoo321 · 22/05/2025 14:14

Yeah she's not your friend. I was once invited to wedding fairs, wedding dress shopping and was informally told I was invited. Come the time no invite arrived as they had a numbers issue. People are dicks and don't think of others whilst they are in the wedding bubble. I spent the day with actual friends and then got grief for not being excited enough about the day and the photos, flowers etc!! Suffice to say we no longer speak;

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