To expect DH to say something re his family making comments about selective mutism

[Muuum92]

Bit of a long one sorry.

DD (17) has been with her BF for about 8 months now. He’s got selective mutism – so he doesn’t speak to most people, but he’s comfy with DD and a couple mates. Doesn’t talk to us either but he’s polite, friendly in his own way – smiles, nods, helps clear up etc. He comes round loads and we’ve never had a problem with him. I just treat him like anyone else, not a big deal. He clearly makes DD really happy and she’s had a tough time with her MH the last couple years.

Anyway – went out for her birthday last night, invited in-laws along (regret it now). BF came too. He pointed at what he wanted on the menu, DD ordered for him like usual. MIL straight away starts with the snide digs – “What, he can’t even order a burger?” and “Is he going to be like this forever?” then she turns to me and says “This isn’t normal you know”. FIL starts asking him questions he knows full well BF isn’t going to answer – “So what school did you go to then? What’s your plans for uni?” – then going “not very chatty is he” loud enough for everyone to hear.

DD looked mortified, poor lad just kept his head down. She tried to carry on and enjoy her night but ended up crying in the car on the way home.

Here’s the worst bit – DH didn’t say a word. Just sat there. Then when we got home and I said how out of order it was, he says “Well they’ve got a point – he should make more of an effort.”

I’m so cross. DD says she doesn’t want them at ours when BF is round anymore and I’m with her tbh. This isn’t the first time they’ve been rude but last night was properly cruel.

AIBU to want to have it out with them? DH thinks I’m overreacting and they were “just saying what most people are thinking”.

I'd be livid with my in-laws and so disappointed in my DH for such a cowardly weasel in the face of their blatant bullying. Did he not care or react to your DD's crying in the car afterwards @Muuum92?

Hence a number of experts are now calling it situational mutism instead, and I would suggest that that term should be generally adopted. You are right that calling it selective mutism does seem to encourage some idiots to decide that it's a choice.

Just wondering were they? Because that’s how you handle those thoughts and worries - by mocking and abusing someone publicly.

Anxiety disorders are perfectly capable of being disabilities, if they meet the criteria of having a long-term and substantial adverse effect on an individual's ability to carry out normal daily activities - and situational mutism does very frequently meet those criteria.

I would say if is more treatable than other conditions but I don’t believe it is entirely treatable for everyone who suffers it. It classes as a disability, i believe, when it has significant impact lasting at least 12 months.

Oh I like situational mutism. Will start using that myself. And tell my daughter. Much more descriptive. Except sometimes the situation is 'everything'

Even if they were worrying about this, OP has spoken to them about her DD's boyfrield's condition so surely no-one with any empathy or manners would say really loudly 'he's not very chatty is he' so that he could hear?

Whatever their feelings on the matter, they were rude and unkind.

They’re obviously not educated on the subject. Give them heaps of information to read and hopefully they’ll shut up

But the mutism is selective/ situational. Most people are not transiently in and out of blindness. People who have mobility issues, but have days when they can walk, have aids or physio. So, in those cases, actually they can do something to improve their mobility to an extent.
I have never come across anyone with this and I have no Idea if it responds to counseling, anti+ depressants or anti- anxiety medication. I hope it does. Otherwise I would feel intensely sorry for him.

This is it. I probably would have thought everything they had thought. But saying it is different and there is no way would I humiliate and bully him. It's sad that they treated him like that.

This was a bit sad to read, but it is how they feel about him. They are judging him and don't think he's good enough for your daughter. Your husband didn't say anything because he agrees with them. Not much you can do about it except limit contact between both parties. They're not going to pretend they like him or care about his condition. He's not going to become who they want him to be, so keep them separate.

Selective mutism isn't a conscious choice. They don't pick and choose. Their nervous system becomes so overwhelmed in certain situations or with certain people that their nervous system goes into flight or freeze mode and they literally can't speak.

Thanks for this info. I genuinely didn't know this I thought it was just a speech thing. It must be so tough to witness as a parent.

Yeah, the word here is “if” if they meet the criteria. You can say that about anything though, can’t you? Vertigo or migraines can be classed as a disability if it has had a substantial and long-term adverse effect on a person's ability to carry out normal daily activities and has lasted more than a year.

I agree this term should be adopted. It's not a choice, and the term makes that fact harder to understand for many.

But OP, your DH's family are really quite unpleasant.

@VeterinaryCareAssistant So don’t talk to them then. Pretty sure they would much prefer it that way.

I’m sure making him feel 2 foot tall has really helped with the condition.
I would give DH the option of telling them that not only did they bully a 17 year old with SEND they ruined their granddaughters birthday. I would hope he didn’t tell them because I would much rather lose my shit with them properly and not be soft about it. DD is less likely to be as keen to keep them involved with her life in future and it is their own doing.

Ht actually is selective mutism? Is it shyness?

one of my adult friends has SM. Hers is anxiety/trauma related and there is a VERY complex set of rules about who/when/how she can speak.

I'm one of very few people she can speak to all the time, but some days it's harder than others.. none of our friendship group mind, she uses those of us she can talk to as support/proxies or little signs she carries if people want to know things, and we're all fiercely protective of her.

Kindness/understanding goes a long way.

Your IL's and H ought to be ashamed of their behaviour.

The disability is not transient, the mutism could happen at any time and they have no control over when it does happen.

I think the problem is the word "selective" as it gives the impression that the sufferer actively selects or chooses when to be mute, which isn't the case.

How much facilitating do you do of DH and DD's relationship with your inlaws? Buying presents or cards? Encouraging people to contact? Cleaning the house when they come? Buying food? Sorting dates? Taking time off? Planning days out? Inviting them to things like family meals?

Because if you do any of that then I would stop immediately. If they ask why then I would explain that you've got no wish to nourish the relationship when they have been so rude to your daughter (and I would phrase it as that - because they won't care that they have been rude to this lad - but insulting someone's guest at dinner is rude)

Your ILs behaved dreadfully, but I’d be worried about my DC seeing someone with MH difficulties tbh OP.
And I say that as the mother of a DC with autism and MH difficulties inluding selective mutism.
It is a hard road for everyone involved, and not one I’d wish on anyone.

Your ils and h are appalling. Imagine making the effort to go out knowing it would be stressful and then being subjected to such utter pointless drivel.

Hope it doesn't affect him too much. He and your daughter sound like they compliment one another in a good way.