To expect DH to say something re his family making comments about selective mutism

[Muuum92]

Bit of a long one sorry.

DD (17) has been with her BF for about 8 months now. He’s got selective mutism – so he doesn’t speak to most people, but he’s comfy with DD and a couple mates. Doesn’t talk to us either but he’s polite, friendly in his own way – smiles, nods, helps clear up etc. He comes round loads and we’ve never had a problem with him. I just treat him like anyone else, not a big deal. He clearly makes DD really happy and she’s had a tough time with her MH the last couple years.

Anyway – went out for her birthday last night, invited in-laws along (regret it now). BF came too. He pointed at what he wanted on the menu, DD ordered for him like usual. MIL straight away starts with the snide digs – “What, he can’t even order a burger?” and “Is he going to be like this forever?” then she turns to me and says “This isn’t normal you know”. FIL starts asking him questions he knows full well BF isn’t going to answer – “So what school did you go to then? What’s your plans for uni?” – then going “not very chatty is he” loud enough for everyone to hear.

DD looked mortified, poor lad just kept his head down. She tried to carry on and enjoy her night but ended up crying in the car on the way home.

Here’s the worst bit – DH didn’t say a word. Just sat there. Then when we got home and I said how out of order it was, he says “Well they’ve got a point – he should make more of an effort.”

I’m so cross. DD says she doesn’t want them at ours when BF is round anymore and I’m with her tbh. This isn’t the first time they’ve been rude but last night was properly cruel.

AIBU to want to have it out with them? DH thinks I’m overreacting and they were “just saying what most people are thinking”.

My son developed SM after a trauma. He did start to talk again eventually (he actually stopped talking completely at first) but it took a lot of time, patience and a psychologist. It is awful and absolutely not a choice.

They really need to keep their ignorant comments to themselves. Trying to force it makes it so much worse.

It's not a matter of being unmotivated.

Selective mutism does indeed stunt lives. If only as were as easy as pulling yourself together.

SM that persists into adulthood is most commonly linked with autism. OP doesn't say if this young man is autistic but it's a very high proportion in older people with SM. The difficulty in most cases goes beyond an inability to speak to being an issue with communication being inhibited in unsafe spaces and to unsafe people. This means they often cannot use communication devices. Some can of course, but by no means all with SM can do this.

My DC is 23 and when the SM is triggered is still unable to do anything bar nod and shake head. Certainly can't type a response or use pen and paper. Might point in a menu.

My son has selective mutism, he now (year 5) is finally making progress but this thread has shown me how fucking cruel and ignorant some people are. I hope he never meets those who have made nasty comments and thank fuck I’m not as ignorant as some of you!

Hear hear.

@SMiRAliser thanks for that. Do you know if it can work in reverse? As in a child with autism developing SM as an adult or teen?

Why would you say that? Honestly?

Would you say "I'm team inlaws" if they asked a person with Downs syndrome whether they were going to uni or commented loudly "not very bright, is he?"

SM is a recognized, diagnosable, disabling condition.
To mock it because you weren't pre-warned or didn't know is not very nice, but just about understandable. To declare yourself "team inlaws" on a thread where you are fully aware of his condition and the situation is pretty damn disgusting.

Yes, this can happen

I know right. Imagine being as thick as this and then publicly declaring you’re thick 😂
I guess it’s a level of thickness I can’t comprehend myself.

Why is your DH getting all the blame for not speaking up?

I'm really surprised your DD didn't stick up for her BF when her family were acting like that towards him.

If his family were giving your DD a hard time, wouldn't you expect him to stick up for her? I certainly would.

I'm also surprised that both you and your DH allowed them to treat her BF like that without putting a stop to it.

Genuinely don't get why you expected your DH to say something when you and your daughter didn't?

Just to point out that it’s not because people can’t walk on certains days and not others mean they are ALWAYS getting better by having physio.
And yes you can aids like a wheelchair. But if you’ve ever tried to use one you’ll know that it’s not the same than walking.

In the case of SM, (obviously depending on how severe etc…), they can point towards the menu like this young man did. They find ways aka adaptations.
Just like someone who is blind. (Which btw doesn’t mean the person sees absolutely nothing, like big black screen). Eg they dictate to send a text rather than typing.

Basically, there are always adaptations possible.
What’s the limiting factor isn’t the dusabikity. It’s how severe it is.

It would be so stressful and I hope this thread has also reassured you many people are far more understanding.

frankly I’d dump the husband for being so callous

but then I’m a mental health professional and I have zero time for people who are cruel about people who have disorders.

And your dh is actually cruel since he’s known about this for ages and has not educated himself. It’s completely disrespectful to his daughter to not do this.

How cruel and ignorant. Reminds me of a boss I had years ago who said to me 'for god's sake, stop stammering!!!' As if it was a choice.

It has, but the level of the nastiness on the (few) posts makes me feel sick for my son tbh. It’s a poorly understood condition that I’ve struggled for years and years (quite literally) to get proper help. For example he’s been on the camhs wait list for three years this July. Because he’s an otherwise well young person, he’s not a high priority. It’s devastating.

It might be seen as shyness on a first encounter, especially in a younger child but it usually goes far deeper than that. I suffered when I was young, though for me it had mostly resolved by puberty and for me it was like having a big ball of words stuck to the roof of my mouth and unable to organise and escape.

A museum was built, near me, with a clear glass walkway, some years ago. I know for a fact that, even with the reassurance that it was safe, my eyes and brain would tell me that it wasn't and my feet would not move on it. It's very much the same feeling.

Unfortunately you did not react correctly....I would had said ENOUGH...and walked out with both dd and boyfriend...and gone somewhere else to eat....end off...horrible people 😕

Well done grandparents, if the parents are not going to stick up for their child, well done gp! Virtue-signalling with the life of their own child? Seriously?

Of course your DH is a bit shit for not speaking up but you are going to have to teach DD to. if shes dating someone music she may find her self having to stand up and advocate for him or defend him. Its HER birthday and HER BF both you and her probably need to be a bit more forthright as DH clearly won't.

I think you and your DH need to have a completely honest conversation with no backlash about this and the situation in general as clearly he has thoughts that he doesn't feel he can express. you guys don't have to agree but if he feels like he's had his say he will probably be able to be more neutral and useful re PIL in this situation.

when the conversation is pent up it causes issue.
DH is still in wrong.

My gosh.
A few ignorant people on here.
Thank goodness the majority are understanding and educated.
Can you send your in laws and even your husband some links ?one if my Grandsons has selective mutism with his ASD.
I'm not going into details on your post OP.
But honestly they need educating.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/selective-mutism/

I can understand why family are concerned. This is a huge thing for your dd to have deal with and may dictate, and in all probability limit, the course of her young life. Without him trying to abuse her, the isolation and control that this could have upon her life could be deeply damaging at a formative moment for a girl who sounds quite fragile already. Becoming dependent may make her look briefly happier.

As much as I find their behaviour appalling, they're expressing a legitimate concern from a place of ignorance. I don't think you're going to get anywhere attacking the concern because it is legitimate. And they're clearly not in a frame of mind to be understanding at this point due to the concern.

I would have expected my partner to say something like "Each to their own, let's just concentrate on having a good time," but it's not everyone who has that skill.

As someone closely affiliated with the charity for selective mutism, can I correct you here.

The condition should be diagnosed using its name. This enables people to get better support eg via pip or plug themselves into charity support etc. Our preference is to use selective mutism but clarify that SM is not a choice, that selective is a medical term meaning non-pervasive or "only happens sometimes". Situational mutism is also used by some of the autistic community to describe being unable to speak occasionally when burnt out or out of social battery - but this is (,probably related, but) different from SM which is consistent in space and people.

We are fully aware that the name is unhelpful and leads to misunderstandings, but you can't just "generally adopt" a different term. It causes confusion. If individuals want to use it that's fine but no one should be training on "situational mutism" (in fact it's a sign they aren't very closely allied with the national charity or up to date advice) as there is no such condition. While the name remains SM (and representations have been and will be made again for it to be changed) it should be used, with an explanation.

To give a rather clumsy analogy, Chickenpox doesn't really involve chickens, but if you start calling it "itchy pox" people won't know that they actually have chickenpox, or that they need to use chickenpox intervention methods and supports.

Your DH's family are vile.

It's bad enough that they're being nasty about it at all but it's utterly unforgivable that they were nasty about it in his presence.

They're cunts with no manners who bullied a teenager and by extension their own granddaughter and your DH is condoning their awful behaviour. Yeah, maybe what they said is indeed what other people are thinking - but that doesn't mean it has to be said in front of them.

You and your DD sound lovely. Your DH's family - ironically - need to shut the fuck up.

I mean good on him for getting a girlfriend while being selectively mute, he must be really charming or charismatic when he does talk.
I understand why you’re mad at your DH for not saying anything, generally we have the rule of you tell off your own parents, I think it makes for smoother sailing. However in this instance I do think you should have realised he wasn’t going to say anything and intervened.
As for DD and her BF, maybe you could get her to talk to him and check he’s okay, make it clear he won’t have to be around your ILs if he doesn’t want to be. Maybe also reassure him you don’t feel the same way they do. If I was him I’d maybe think you’d been talking behind my back and saying these things.

No its not