To be fuming DH is working AGAIN!

[SENSummer]

I’m going to caveat this by saying I’ve got a fever atm and more irritable than usual.

We have two small children one of whom is severely disabled and high needs. There’s no childcare for him. Please don’t suggest how I could gain childcare trust me we have been down every single route multiple times, including a SS. I was forced out of work due to lack of childcare something I neither wanted nor have enjoyed.

I’ve not been able to take up any hobbies, sports or classes that require my physical presence somewhere as DH has an all consuming job, he rarely finishes on time, rota is constantly changing and is basically just not in any way reliable childcare. Fine. He’s worked all my birthdays and mother’s days the last 3 years, he’s worked all last Christmas. I’m not precious about it and I’ve got on with it.

Anyways, I took up a hobby I could do quietly from home whilst still being on call for everyone else’s needs. Once a year there is a competition locally and I’ve entered it every year since having the kids. I do quite well and my rosettes go on the wall in the kitchen, they give me my self worth through the year. They’re the only thing I really achieve ‘for me’.

DH told me months ago he was working the entire weekend of the competition this year. I asked him to find a way around it, swap shifts…etc he cannot take holiday during that section of his rota. He said he would. Today he’s told me he’s not been able to and is unlikely now to be able to. I’m gutted and full blown sulking like an actual child. I just keep thinking about getting through another year without the little bit of pride seeing those rosettes brings me in the lowest moments.

It sounds like he has tried? A lot of people are going to jump in here and say how awful he is, but he is working hard (it sounds) for his family. I think this is just an unfortunate timing situation which happens within most families sometimes. He isn’t doing it deliberately or to be mean, it’s just circumstances.

I’m sorry OP that is really difficult, but if it’s his work and you need his income it’s rock & a hard place.

Could you look at maybe swapping roles, you go to work and him do the childcare for a few years and take it in turns that way?

He could take annual leave. If this is really important don’t let it go or it will be a source of great unhappiness and resentment and your marriage doesn’t need that.

Have you considered the possibility of respite care? Might not be possible to arrange this time, but for next eventuality?

Could you import some other child care for that weekend?

I now this scenario as my late OH was a medic. He tried so hard to change shifts when needed, but sometimes it was simply not to be.

He can’t:

he cannot take holiday during that section of his rota.

@Mrsttcno1

No, It’s easy to say ‘I can’t earn anywhere near as much as him’ but equally I’m younger (we said we’d focus on my career more after kids) and I’ve now been out of the work force for 6 years. Equally even if it were a totally viable option DH flat out would not do it. He cares too much about his career and he would choose it over us, that has been made clear in the past.
When I first had to leave we could have dropped to both working PT but he wouldn’t do it.

I agree with this, in my area there are private carers who advertise both adult and child care for people with SN. I know it won’t come cheap but if it gives you your time, OP, surely worth it?

Wrong thread

She has already indicated he can not take annual leave over that period presumably either because others have already booked time off or because like many businesses they have blanket ban during certain periods due to the nature of their business.

@SENSummer do you work? If not he may feel under intense pressure to provide for the family especially when your child has such disabilities. It sounds like he is doing the best for your family and I do get the impression he has tried to get someone to change shifts but hasn't been successful rather than doing it on purpose.

edited to indicate I was still typing when OP indicated she does not work.

That sounds rubbish. Can you still enter and not attend? It's better than nothing although not ideal.
Is your Dh a medic? Maybe I'm getting you mixed up and you've posted before.

I know you’re trying to help but I did ask not to have childcare options suggested so I don’t need to explain each thing we’ve already done. Yes we’ve considered respite and asked SS about it and there’s a respite home attached to his specialist school but no where will do it until he’s ’around 8’ is what we were advised by social services.

There’s no one else coming to help us it’s just me and DH managing DS.

It’s his age that’s the problem they just won’t do it when they’re this young. We’ve tried.

Respite care isn't standard childcare though, and there was no mention of you having tried that, hence my comment.
What do you want from the thread?

It sounds like he's tried OP. What more could he do?

It does sound like there needs to be changes made though. You sound very unfulfilled in your SAHP role (as would I be). Maybe it's time for a sit down and heart to heart (outside of this competition weekend).

I feel your pain OP.
Get him to call in sick the day of the competition.
It is lying, yes. But he needs to realise you are approaching mental breakdown.
I hope the fever settles soon.

They literally say in the post you’ve quoted that there’s a respite home attached to the school! They have considered respite care.

They 'literally' didn't mention it in the opening post. 🫣

No. In the post YOU quoted! 😂

If the competition involves submitting exhibits,it would be worth trying to find someone local to act as your proxy and livestream to you. Failing which,could you submit your entry early via the organiser explaining your situation?

I said to DH this morning, somewhat frustrated I admit ‘how am I ever supposed to work again, have a career or hobbies, function as an adult human being, when we cannot even facilitate me having one regular day a year to do something?’ I think that’s the crux of it for me. We cannot even manage to keep one day a year clear, imagine if I had a job what could I possibly do that would accommodate this level of complete inflexibility?

I will forever be restricted to doing with my life only what I can fit around my DH and I just despair at it. All the while the gap between him and I in terms of what I could do and earning potential gets wider and wider. I never expected this level of disparity in my marriage and whilst I am grateful he is a generous provider I am resentful that my ability to provide for myself has been removed. It indebts me to him. I’m increasingly aware of how reliant we are on him, every extra year out of the workplace my value and potential diminish whilst his grows. If he ever left I’d be screwed now.

Sick day it is then.

OP initially mentioned having tried childcare, no mention of respite. The respite was then mentioned as not being an option in a further post by OP after I the post where I suggested it. Clearly I wouldn't suggest it after OP said it wasn't an option.

If you go back and read in chronological order that will be evident. 🫣

That's gutting OP, it sounds like you gave plenty of notice and if he genuinely can't then he can't but it sounds like he hasn't really made any effort to try and that would really piss me off if I was you

Do you believe that he's asked OP?

One of the problems here is the massive power imbalance. OP can't afford to leave this man, even if he's completely unsupportive, because they have a disabled child together for whom OP can find no additional support. Essentially, like so many women before her, she needs a way to live with this horrible scenario until she is powerful enough to change it. But the longer she lives her live this way, the less she will feel she has the power to change anything. And that's why we should all be voting for better support for the families of children with disabilities - it's a feminist issue. Here endeth the lesson.