To be fuming DH is working AGAIN!

[SENSummer]

I’m going to caveat this by saying I’ve got a fever atm and more irritable than usual.

We have two small children one of whom is severely disabled and high needs. There’s no childcare for him. Please don’t suggest how I could gain childcare trust me we have been down every single route multiple times, including a SS. I was forced out of work due to lack of childcare something I neither wanted nor have enjoyed.

I’ve not been able to take up any hobbies, sports or classes that require my physical presence somewhere as DH has an all consuming job, he rarely finishes on time, rota is constantly changing and is basically just not in any way reliable childcare. Fine. He’s worked all my birthdays and mother’s days the last 3 years, he’s worked all last Christmas. I’m not precious about it and I’ve got on with it.

Anyways, I took up a hobby I could do quietly from home whilst still being on call for everyone else’s needs. Once a year there is a competition locally and I’ve entered it every year since having the kids. I do quite well and my rosettes go on the wall in the kitchen, they give me my self worth through the year. They’re the only thing I really achieve ‘for me’.

DH told me months ago he was working the entire weekend of the competition this year. I asked him to find a way around it, swap shifts…etc he cannot take holiday during that section of his rota. He said he would. Today he’s told me he’s not been able to and is unlikely now to be able to. I’m gutted and full blown sulking like an actual child. I just keep thinking about getting through another year without the little bit of pride seeing those rosettes brings me in the lowest moments.

Sorry op but he is not generous or kind. He may tell you he is but he isn’t. He doesn’t care about you as a person and doesn’t see the care of his own dc as his responsibility. No one works so much that they can’t even get one day off a year. No one works so much that they can’t even make an effort on their partners birthday. He is choosing to do this because he wants to. He can’t be bothered with family he prefers to be at work. He doesn’t see the sacrifices you have made or how important this event is for you because he doesn’t care and it doesn’t suit him. That is not generous it’s selfish.
I understand he is the only earner but what’s the point in devoting your whole life to earning if you do not even see, spend time with or value the people you are supposed to be doing it for.
Life throws things out that mean we have to change our expectations and current situation even when we don’t want to. You have done this time and again and he hasn’t. He could find another job but he won’t. He could work less but he won’t.
I know this is not news to you and you are stuck in a shit situation as you need his shitty contribution but you need to get angry, you need to spell it out to him until he hears it. You need to tell him what you said here and that this is ultimatum time. Step up more than just providing a few quid or you will break or leave and will have no choice. I’m so angry for you.

What would happen if you were ill and in hospital for the weekend?

I think he should call in! I think he sounds like a selfish prick to be honest.

But people are posting that he is legally entitled to the day off. He isn’t. That’s what I’m arguing against.

He should call in. He should discuss with his work what is going on at home and make a flexible working request going forward as well. But he should call in for this day. It’s just people telling OP that he is legally entitled to it when he isn’t… people five shitty advice which gets other people into trouble.

They just need to be aware that it’s a risk if they do it often and understand that they aren’t legally entitled to it. But they should make a proper plan like flexible working from now on.

That would be emergency parental leave, which is a legal entitlement. He can have that off and his employer can’t say no and can’t use it against him.

I wonder if he would far rather be at work than help look after his disabled child.
And so far there is no downside at all to his choice.

She wants posters not to respond with suggestions for childcare, as she made very clear in the OP. Hope that helps

I’m sure that’s the case.

I am sceptical.

I would be asking to see the emails showing he has asked and been refused.

He won’t don50% of the parenting/childcare if they get divorced. He SHOULD but seeing that he’d prefer splitting up the family than give up his precious career, the OP will be lucky if he is an EOW dad.

If the OP decides splitting is best, she’ll have to do a lot of thinking on how to organise her life.
esp because of her dc has really high needs, those needs might well carry on into adulthood (ie she’ll still be his full time carer).

She is in a really hard place. And the last thing she needs atm is to be pressured into leaving.

This x

Oh and also he is not that important at work that he can’t take time off. No one is. People who are high up in ‘big’ jobs usually have more flexibility because it’s a lot about delegation and they can plan around projects. It’s normally the lower paid and less important staff that actually put the hours in non stop, that’s why people want to progress in their careers. If he is one of the lower paid workers then why would he bother committing his whole life for a low paid job to be someone’s monkey? Surly he would realise it’s not worth it.
Even if he’s the uks top brain surgeon he can take time off. No one will die. There is other people to step in.
No one has a job they simply can’t take time off from or ring in sick.

It's utterly utterly shit

Unpaid parental leave?

Respite isn't typical childcare, so need for your passive aggressive HTH.

A lot of people have mentioned parental leave but no one has mentioned Carer's Leave. Legally, your husband is allowed 5 days of unpaid carer's leave per year (some places offer it paid). https://www.gov.uk/carers-leave His employer can't deny his request but unfortunately could ask for it to be taken at a different time (within 1 month of requested date)..

You are literally doing exactly what the OP has specifically asked posters not to do. Do you think the OP needs any further invalidation?

You're literally missing the posts where OP and I have discussed any confusion.
Stop dragging it out. 🫣

I think you do have to put your foot down. I understand that your dP can't take time off then. But you have already made plans for that time, too. So it's his turn to sort out an alternative. He can step up to the plate for once in finding a solution to this.

The OP does say she had tried SS, I don't think the semantics on childcare vs respite are helpful. FWIW the parents I know that have run the gaunlet of SS usually get given Direct Payments, and then struggle to find anyone suitable to employ.

A PP has mentioned carer's leave your DH could request, worth a try?

and no help but OP I can relate, I ended up getting a very part time job working nightshifts (10pm - 6am) because I couldn't take the set up anymore (I have 4 autistic DC, varying needs but employment has been difficult as there's usually a DC out of school). I hate the job and I am looking for something else, as it's just too much for me. But I'm wary of giving up completely as I felt completly trapped by the inbalance.

He can’t….

This was heartbreaking to read. It must be so tough having the one thing you look forward to taken away from you. You sound like a great mum and so patient.
Firstly, you need to have a serious chat with your husband, it’s really not on that he works this much. Does he not care about your relationship? Does he think you’ll never leave him if he doesn’t change? He sounds like he needs a wake up call! Even if you don’t believe it, he needs to believe that you have some power to leave him, or else he’ll keep treating you badly.
Regarding your competition, could you email the organisers to let them know your situation? A lot of places will want to appear inclusive. Could you get involved in some charities for children with disabilities in case they have any similar activities on offer for parents/carers that might be more flexible?
Regarding your hobby, is it something you could make money from? Is it embroidery or something? Could you open an Etsy shop and sell your work?

how am I ever supposed to work again, have a career or hobbies, function as an adult human being, when we cannot even facilitate me having one regular day a year to do something?

This made me so sad. I think you both need to watch out for you slipping into clinical depression. To be so stretched and then to have your ONE DAY taken away from you.....it's too much.

I'm sorry OP.

if it was my husband he would be phoning in sick

I’m sorry OP that’s really shit. I would tell him to call in sick and go to your once a year thing. You need to stay well mentally, that’s incredibly important.

Going forward your child will get older, and you will be able to use respite and other childcare options, (and possibly take up work part time again?) so try and keep in mind, this won’t last forever.

I hope you win lots of rosettes 🏵️

“He cares too much about his career and he would choose it over us, that has been made clear in the past.”

”Im lucky that DH is very generous and generally good hearted. He is on the whole a very decent man.”

Hmmm….

He can't call in sick if he's already tried to get the time off, that will lead a much worse situation.
And I really want the OP to be able to attend the event. My workplace has very rigid holiday rules.Going forward, if the event is the same weekend every year, then I would expect the DH to book it as soon as those holiday slots are available to book. As for this year, the carer's leave option, speaking to managment to see if they can help with a shift-swap/jiggle the hours around......and a deeper discussion on how the set up isn't working for the OP, and what they can do together to address it.
Is it the kind of event that is done in other places? Maybe see if there's anywhere else you could do it this year?