To be fuming DH is working AGAIN!

[SENSummer]

I’m going to caveat this by saying I’ve got a fever atm and more irritable than usual.

We have two small children one of whom is severely disabled and high needs. There’s no childcare for him. Please don’t suggest how I could gain childcare trust me we have been down every single route multiple times, including a SS. I was forced out of work due to lack of childcare something I neither wanted nor have enjoyed.

I’ve not been able to take up any hobbies, sports or classes that require my physical presence somewhere as DH has an all consuming job, he rarely finishes on time, rota is constantly changing and is basically just not in any way reliable childcare. Fine. He’s worked all my birthdays and mother’s days the last 3 years, he’s worked all last Christmas. I’m not precious about it and I’ve got on with it.

Anyways, I took up a hobby I could do quietly from home whilst still being on call for everyone else’s needs. Once a year there is a competition locally and I’ve entered it every year since having the kids. I do quite well and my rosettes go on the wall in the kitchen, they give me my self worth through the year. They’re the only thing I really achieve ‘for me’.

DH told me months ago he was working the entire weekend of the competition this year. I asked him to find a way around it, swap shifts…etc he cannot take holiday during that section of his rota. He said he would. Today he’s told me he’s not been able to and is unlikely now to be able to. I’m gutted and full blown sulking like an actual child. I just keep thinking about getting through another year without the little bit of pride seeing those rosettes brings me in the lowest moments.

I am sorry op and I feel for you!

is there any other competitions nearby? Online? I must admit I don’t know anything about rosette or what it is so my advices might be not the best in specifics but I guess I am saying…don’t wait! Find something else somewhere else…there are more competitions/gatherings/sharing/groups I am sure.
ask him his schedule and specifically look for things when he is free.

where are u living op?

I would threaten to go to his work and speak to his admin team personally because it sounds to me like a man who has not tried hard enough. Surely if he says, "it is not a holiday, I do not have anyone to look after my child that day.... and I am definitely not able to come to work" something would get done.

From your last post we see just how selfish he is. He has decided when & if he will participate, & when he wont.
He is not on your team, he’s on his own.
This is just so awful for you. You cant even give him an ultimatum, or walk out.
if you said you were leaving would he say “Thanks, the kids are yours.”?

I don’t think your DH’s career is inflexible, the problem is your DH is inflexible. He’s chosen himself, and left you to shoulder all the responsibility. I know you’re currently financially dependent but I don’t know how you can be even civil to your DH. He’s made it clear his career comes first - you were both dealt unexpected cards, yet he chose to carry on as before.

Neither have you by the looks of it.

Do you ever wonder OP is your H planned this, either consciously or unconsciously?

You say you have a “neurospicy” household, and as a member of the medical profession, it seems logical that your H would realise this would lead to ND biological DC.

So he chose you, a younger partner, with a less developed career to marry and have a child with, then (while DC1 was young enough so any ND traits wouldn’t be obvious) pushed for a second child, despite your protestations and wishes to spend some time focusing on YOUR career (& independent life).

You then end up pregnant and have two small DC, both with additional needs and it’s “obvious” that you should give up your career as he earns more, and he denies you the opportunity of going PT and him doing the same and splitting the parenting.

He then gets his picket fence dream of career he’s always wants, wife stuck at home raising his 2 biological DC, completely dependent on him financially and with not so much as a single day to herself to pursue any of her hobbies and interests; her whole focus must be on HIM, his kids and his career and her life MUST revolve around them. It’s practically impossible for you to ever leave him; he has you right where he wants you.

You are in a semi-gilded cage, and I am wondering if he built that cage for you (or someone like you) and is actually quite happy now that you’re trapped in it. 🤔

Abuse manifests in many ways, but most often it’s just ways to ensure the abuser gets what they want and the abused does as they’re told and this isn’t always with violence, but it is always about control.

Have you had any counselling? Would your H be supportive of you getting some, or would his schedule not allow for such a thing?

Have Social Services done a full care assessment under the Children Act 1989? It's compulsory for someone in your situation, and should include respite care whatever the age of your child.

I have.
When someone adds information after their initial comment and my initial reply to the initial comment then obviously I wasn't aware of that extra information to start with. 🫣

In my experience men are never very good at tackling the hierarchy at work and he very possibly didn't even ask, you need to put your foot down, you need a little support- even if he has a full on job you need some support.

OP, what would happen if your OH fell over and broke his arm. How would his job find cover? Is it just the standard no (because they actually can't be bothered) or would everything literally grind to a halt?
Because all issues aside, his workplace don't seem to be looking after him very well, in terms of life balance etc.
Or is it that he loves being in work and doesn't try too hard to get cover?

I am sorry OP. That Is a real let down. Is there another competition you could attend, maybe further away at another date? Would it even be possible to make it a night away too? It could help to have something to look forward to.

If I worked with your husband and understood the situation even partially, I would really try to make this day off happen. I think most people would. I know he may not want to share too much with people at work but it might help.

@nopineapplepizza

Do you think the Royal Family are giant lizards who morph into human form in public? How about mobile phone masts turning people into chimpanzees?

If you are not actually bonkers, you should be ashamed at a post which seems designed to make the OP feel even worse about her distressing situation. If i were you, I’d ask for it to be taken down and spare my blushes.

What a bizarre response.

Do you honestly believe that abusive men do not exist?

That no man has ever quite happily pursued his career, whilst not giving a fuck that his wife is stuck at home with her earning potential rapidly decreasing due to their SEN child(ren)?

Your mind must be absolutely blown by the overturning of Roe Vs Wade and men wanting autonomy over women’s bodies.

It must be nice to live in your world where everyone is equal and treated fairly, not in one where SOME men (not ALL men, but ALWAYS men) like their women to be trad wives and financially dependent on them (& in this situation) not allowed one single day off in a year to attend a hobby competition.

The OP states herself that 80% of her H’s life is completely unaffected by them having children, but hers has completely removed her capacity for a single day to herself.

If he’s such a good man and not in any way abusive/controlling, why isn’t he trying to level that inequality?

He could take annual leave - that’s all he needs to do.

I completely understand how devastating this must be. I’m also really keen to not go against your wishes regarding childcare - but…

I say this for hope for the future, not this event!

I’m a specialist personal assistant, highly trained in seizure management, gastrostomy feeding and care, tracheotomy, intensive interaction, following OT/Physio/SaLT plans etc. We do exist! I work only with two families at present (and have worked with one for 15yrs and the other for 8yrs) I charge a (very reasonable imho) rate of £17 per hour (most I know charge £20). Social services fund me to provide respite to the families (including overnight care at full rate due to nocturnal seizures). If you’re looking for a future source of respite outside of the school residential you can advertise on Independent Lives (or your area’s equivalent). Also ask school themselves if they are happy to advertise your personal assistant post - the people who look after him there may be interested in extra work as even SEN schools don’t pay well.

You have to be joking?????

if you did that to me. You'd better get used to the idea of a divorce!!

@Annatinks I suggested paid childcare as I have friends who worked only with sen children as sen carers /nannies

i do myself on some occasions work with an Autistic boy /family and another baby /toddler who is brain damaged and I’m trained in gastrostomy feeding and care /ng tube fed - so sound similar to you ‘waves’

but I got shouted down , saying op said not to mention childcare she’s explored all options

yes it’s a cost but also what hopefully dla/other payments may help the family with

I'm sorry I can't add anything helpful other than you're amazing and doingvan incredible job, which is so difficult the average patent has absolutely no idea what it's like.

Have you heard of Crossroads or Tuveda? Both who offer hours to stay with a patient that’s being cared for. I don’t know if that includes children but it’s only a phone call to ask. One other option is on the Nextdoor App in my part of the country there are often retired nurses or care assistants that will work for a few hours for payment obviously. Good luck

I want to give you a massive hug and a box of tissues. Yes it's shit. Once you've got a clearer head, start thinking as he does. This is what works for me. I think people like that (is it called alpha male?) seem to only respect being treated the same as him. So book in your day/ time off. Give him a decent amount of notice. And then tell him to sort out care. Just as he would do for you.
Get your oomph back. Start making career plans. Tell him you are now slowly going to make moves to getting your life back and you want the same amount of respect for that as you give him.
It will feel awkward. But be strong. I've been there. And it's a work in progress.