To be fuming DH is working AGAIN!

[SENSummer]

I’m going to caveat this by saying I’ve got a fever atm and more irritable than usual.

We have two small children one of whom is severely disabled and high needs. There’s no childcare for him. Please don’t suggest how I could gain childcare trust me we have been down every single route multiple times, including a SS. I was forced out of work due to lack of childcare something I neither wanted nor have enjoyed.

I’ve not been able to take up any hobbies, sports or classes that require my physical presence somewhere as DH has an all consuming job, he rarely finishes on time, rota is constantly changing and is basically just not in any way reliable childcare. Fine. He’s worked all my birthdays and mother’s days the last 3 years, he’s worked all last Christmas. I’m not precious about it and I’ve got on with it.

Anyways, I took up a hobby I could do quietly from home whilst still being on call for everyone else’s needs. Once a year there is a competition locally and I’ve entered it every year since having the kids. I do quite well and my rosettes go on the wall in the kitchen, they give me my self worth through the year. They’re the only thing I really achieve ‘for me’.

DH told me months ago he was working the entire weekend of the competition this year. I asked him to find a way around it, swap shifts…etc he cannot take holiday during that section of his rota. He said he would. Today he’s told me he’s not been able to and is unlikely now to be able to. I’m gutted and full blown sulking like an actual child. I just keep thinking about getting through another year without the little bit of pride seeing those rosettes brings me in the lowest moments.

It will be an emergency, if his children have no childcare for the day !

Op asked for 1 day

1 day per year to enter the competition !!!

The issue isn't the rosettes. The issue is that you're in a position where you're entirely dependant on one person for everything, and that understandably doesn't feel good. Yes he's a generous provider, but he'd have to be a fucking moron not to be in this situation, it's really the least he can do.

He's made clear that he would choose his career over you, and as there was a chance for you to both to part time and he wouldn't accept it, he's already done that. That ship has sailed.

I am resentful that my ability to provide for myself has been removed. It indebts me to him. I’m increasingly aware of how reliant we are on him, every extra year out of the workplace my value and potential diminish whilst his grows. If he ever left I’d be screwed now.

I would commit to getting a plan under your belt and an end date to the current arrangement and when this can change. Think about what you want, for yourself, in order to live a life that's not solely about martyrdom and service, and what you would actually do if he left so you weren't screwed and work towards that over the next five years say.

You're not being unreasonable, you're feeling totally stuck and that's understandable.

I have no advice.
But it's ONE fucking day. A YEAR.
What kind of work place can't accommodate that? I'm absolutely baffled. I can't believe your DH cannot get one day off with so much notice.
YANBU to be raging, disappointed and very upset.

Logistics and reason may be different but I feel you, it must be awfully hard and I do think you need to speak to your husband properly about sharing the work more equally rather than you earning nothing and him having the full financial responsibility. There needs to be a middle ground. Is there an option for him to consider a different working pattern, or a different job that would allow more flexibility? You working would take the financial strain off him and equally him doing more parenting would take that strain off you. Thinks would feel more equal and life may look better.

Much easier to say than in reality though, I know.

The perils of being a SAHM.

The imbalance it causes in a relationship is ridiculous.

You would honestly be no worse off on your own with extra Universal Credit.

I suppose it depends on whether he really has to work that weekend, or whethet he's using work as an excuse to get out of childcare. Which do you think it is?

I agree with this.^
is it fair to expect you to have something for yourself? Absolutely, yes.
The question is do you believe that he’s done everything possible to resolve it?
Im in a similar situation (SAHP, DD has disability) and DH works. In a situations like this I know that my DH has tried every way possible so it feels different. Its just that jobs often have certain restrictions.

An emergency is not something you know about in advance. This is not an emergency leave situation. Shout all you like; he is not legally entitled to that day off under that legislation.

He can call in and explain that he can’t work, but it isn’t an emergency like a medical issue or school suddenly closing or something. So, it’s like anyone else calling in to say they don’t want to work as they’ve got something else on. Which leads to disciplinaries.

Anyone can call in and say they’re not going to work. But then you face the consequences. He has no legal entitlement to that day off so it comes down to how his employer wants to handle it.

Thought experiment - tomorrow morning you have an accident and are rushed to hospital. You'll be home on three days. Could DH take time off then?

Feel for you OP, there are very many families with a disabled child in this situation and it isn't spoken about enough. I was fortunate enough to get respite care from when my child was very young, but it was at a time and day that worked for the provider, not for me.
I agree with others that you should absolutely be able to have this day, and to the posters saying "its only a rosette" actually when you have to give up so many of your hopes and plans, and literally every aspect of your life has changed beyond that which you expected, its the "small" things that are the huge things, that really do keep you going.
Does your authority offer direct payments? I found this idea a huge faff but it can work for some, and it means you might be able to find a student nurse, or similar, to help. Special school staff sometimes do private work such as this too. Longer term, do you have access to a children's hospice? Ours was a real ray of light for us, offering us proper breaks from caring, to spend time with our other children and each other, and our son had a wonderful holiday- would be ideal for weekends such as this.
The only other option is to fight your LA, yes they may not "offer due to age" but thats actually more than likely just something to fob you off, dangling the carrot, they do not want a family breakdown or a severely disabled child taken into care, and you are really not asking for a lot. What area of the country are you in- I bet there is someone local to you who could point you in the right direction to get a better response. There might even be someone going to the event who could help in some way.
Best of luck OP and I really hope you get there, and that life isn't like this forever.

I know he is earning blah blah but he isn't bending much is he ? that must make you sad and dissapointed in him, I don't have any words of wisdom but I think you are entitled to be upset about this.

I think you should do as pp said & ask to see his contract, or he can call & ask to speak to HR. tell them he has never asked for extra leave, but this is of PRIMORDIAL importance to him, it affects his whole marriage, you are stuck for child care & he cannot work, that day
Tell him to fucking sort it out. he's had a YEAR.
He is not listening to how important this is to you.

"how am I ever supposed to work again, have a career or hobbies, function as an adult human being, when we cannot even facilitate me having one regular day a year to do something?"

This must be so hard? What job is it that is so rigid? I am guessing he's medical? The NHS is notoriously bad at work-life balance.
Anyway. You are not unreasonable to be frustrated at all. It sounds relentless and soul destroying.
What do you think he would do if you needed to be in hospital for a few weeks or something similar? Would SS step in then?

People post stuff like the illiterate and insensitive comment you were quoting, just to get a reaction. I always think it would be so much more effective if we all simply ignored them, as if they were just a small fly. Quoting them over and over and responding to them must be exactly what they want

But this isn’t consistent with:

Equally even if it were a totally viable option DH flat out would not do it. He cares too much about his career and he would choose it over us, that has been made clear in the past

Why are you feeling “gratitude” to someone who has consistently told you his career is more important than you or the DC? Where is the gratitude to you from someone who won’t even facilitate one day off in a year!

Dependency breeds a sense of gratitude where you should be frankly angry. I agree with pp - caring is a feminist issue, its women overwhelmingly who carry the load. We see this over and over on MN when posters are “grateful” to DHs who are in full time work enjoying careers only possible because the wife is sacrificing part or all of their financial future. This is especially the case where the loss of work is forced by prolonged caring responsibilities.

When you are not working as a team and ensuring that each of you as adult individuals benefit equally overall you are dependent and not in a mutually beneficial relationship. He isn’t working as a team if you can’t take just one day off in the year.

And what was his response?
Why can’t you both do PT?

Depends on whether you think he really did try everything or not? Did he ask colleagues, call in favours, ask for annual leave, unpaid leave? Has he thought about being "sick" or an "emergency"? Has he exhausted every possible childcare avenue that one weekend, at any expense? If you're only asking for one weekend a year, he really needs to come through for you by any means necessary.

I have worked with people that have taken time off work for their pets

So, surely he can take time off to care for his children !

1. he can call in sick
2. take the kids to the fete with you ?

This. 👆

I dont suggest this lightly but can he pull a sickie. I can hear it in your post how much you need him to come thorough for you for this one day. Tell him you need a sign that you matter.

Normally I sympathise with the working parent, because the amount of pressure is a lot harder than people realise.

but ONE DAY! One day a year? It's not that much to ask.

Have you asked him how he would manage if you ended up in hospital or something that day?

Otherwise, as another poster asked, can't you ask for friends to help, and go with the children, you manage the children and your friends manage your presentation - if you can present something already made (is it baking? hopefully it is)

Learn to spell before lecturing others.

I’m talking about legal entitlement. He has none.

You get annual leave - which your employer can decide when it’s taken.
You get planned unpaid parental leave - needs to be taken a week at a time (unless your employer agrees to individual days) and they can also dictate when you take it.
You get unpaid emergency leave - for emergent issues on that day, not pre-planned events.

Outside of that, all you can do is call up and say you’re not coming in. Like anyone else can. Employers can use that to get rid of you if it becomes a regular issue.

Sorry OP, that sounds so difficult. I hope that things get easier as your ds gets older .

How far in advance do you know dh's shifts/rota? If he can't be free on that day, is there anything else you could do on a day he will be off that will give you a sense of achievement? E.g. is there anything you've always wanted to try but haven't- like stand up paddleboarding or a Thai street food cookery course, or a challenging walk you could do with a friend? Maybe you could put together a bucket list of things you can tick off that will keep you going until you are able to get some regular care provision

🙄
Except then she’d be dependent on the state and not allowed to accumulate savings or assets.