To be fuming DH is working AGAIN!

[SENSummer]

I’m going to caveat this by saying I’ve got a fever atm and more irritable than usual.

We have two small children one of whom is severely disabled and high needs. There’s no childcare for him. Please don’t suggest how I could gain childcare trust me we have been down every single route multiple times, including a SS. I was forced out of work due to lack of childcare something I neither wanted nor have enjoyed.

I’ve not been able to take up any hobbies, sports or classes that require my physical presence somewhere as DH has an all consuming job, he rarely finishes on time, rota is constantly changing and is basically just not in any way reliable childcare. Fine. He’s worked all my birthdays and mother’s days the last 3 years, he’s worked all last Christmas. I’m not precious about it and I’ve got on with it.

Anyways, I took up a hobby I could do quietly from home whilst still being on call for everyone else’s needs. Once a year there is a competition locally and I’ve entered it every year since having the kids. I do quite well and my rosettes go on the wall in the kitchen, they give me my self worth through the year. They’re the only thing I really achieve ‘for me’.

DH told me months ago he was working the entire weekend of the competition this year. I asked him to find a way around it, swap shifts…etc he cannot take holiday during that section of his rota. He said he would. Today he’s told me he’s not been able to and is unlikely now to be able to. I’m gutted and full blown sulking like an actual child. I just keep thinking about getting through another year without the little bit of pride seeing those rosettes brings me in the lowest moments.

That’s a different issue entirely then, and your real problem really.

You could both work part time, or assuming he doesn’t work 24 hours a day could you work alternate shifts even just a few days a week just to give you something for yourself even if not financially, the social and mental aspect of going out to work may be really good for you?

I’d be thinking about your relationship really, do you want to be with someone who is “my way or the high way”? I wouldn’t. Nobody plans to have a child with additional needs, it’s incredibly hard and does make life difficult, but having a partner SHOULD ease some of that, not make it harder.

Apologies I don’t mean to be short and I understand you’re well meaning so thank you for that. I term childcare as an outside body coming in to relieve either me or DH of caring for DS. So to me respite is childcare although I appreciate this is far from a defined term and totally open to interpretation x

This is extremely important to you and the only thing you ask of him all year. He needs to pull a sicky or rework his shifts at the last minute. You need to get this through to him, that he OWES you this. If he broke his leg he would not be at work. There is a way he can resolve this, for one time every year.

You sacrifice your whole life and he cannot find a solution to his work for a single weekend. Not fucking on.

I think the issue here isn't this one day - it's bigger, much bigger. TBH you need to be blunt with him as many times as it takes . DC isn't just your child or your responsibility. Are his work aware of his family situation? Surely there must be some sort of discompense for parental responsibility?

Can't he just call in sick? Emergency parental leave? Say you left in the morning before he did, he'd have to ring work and say he had an emergency and couldn't come in. They couldn't sack him for one emergency day off.

it dependds what you are really complaining about here. If he really an't take leave, and if he has really tried to get that time off/free then it is what it is for this year.

It is shitty. it sucks. It is awful for you. But it is what it is.

However. This is now the time to seriously, both of you together and separately, to find a way out of you being stuck as the carer and he is stuck as the main earner. Both of those roles are extremely stressful in different ways. It may be helpful if he can gradually reduce hours so that you can gradually increase hours, until you are both working some form of part time. And carve out time for each of you to have downtime, and of course family time.

Thanks for that. I was just trying to think of anything that might help. You must be exhausted, physically and mentally.

THIS!!!!

Im lucky that DH is very generous and generally good hearted. He is on the whole a very decent man. But the indignance I feel at my situation really smacks me in the face in situations like this.

You don’t say what the hobby is but rosettes and the fact it’s done at home suggests something like baking? Is it not something you could take both kids to? (even if a family member or friend came with you) or even if you dropped off what you needed for the competition and explained the situation?
(equally rosettes and a hobby at home may also mean equestrianism which I appreciate my advice above would be irrelevant!)

Read the pist more carefully, he can't take annual leave during that time.

@SENSummer I know you said you don't need childcare suggestions but can I ask why you can't use a specialist nanny? I would have offered to do it for you, but I am unable to look after myself at the moment, let alone two kids. (Due to a medical event)

it's so hard with kids with severe additional needs as it does rule out most 'regular' childcare options 🙇🏻‍♀️

are there any ways to submit your entry remotely or proxy? Ot take your kids with someone to help you so that they're 'extra gabda' but not completely responsible for them? Maybe getting a friend to have the one without additional needs??

your DH has let you down badly & he needs to understand this. They are his kids & responsibility too!!

Has he explained why he can't get annual leave? Has he brought home the carers policy for you to look at together? Likely he can get unpaid leave for a family member with a disability. Or can he not be bothered because he thinks his only responsibility is financial.

Shocking lack of empathy you show here. OP literally explained why it’s important. She’s allowed to have emotions….

though women often aren’t.

OP you are entitled to feel rage, sadness and frustration. You are entitled to look at him and thing how totally unfair your situation is and that he is an arsehole.

You then need to wonder whether to say it out loud, and show him the option of divorce and going 50/50 with the dc.
Or you becoming ill from stress and walking away leaving him with full responsibility for the DC.

It isn’t catastrophising to point out how badly wrong this could go for him.

This sounds really tough OP. There is a huge imbalance and it feels as if you need to sit down together to think about whether the current arrangements really work for both of you and the family. Is there another job he could do with more flexibility, even if that is slightly lower paid. Money is not everything in this scenario- both of your mental health is key to a sustainable happier future.

Once a year there is a competition locally and I’ve entered it every year since having the kids. I do quite well and my rosettes go on the wall in the kitchen, they give me my self worth through the year. They’re the only thing I really achieve ‘for me’.

I don’t know what kind of competition this is and whether you display your entries at a stall, etc. But do you have to be there in person? Is there any option to enter it and then send a proxy to collect an award should you win?

It wouldn’t be the same as being there yourself. But if I had a relative or friend who couldn’t attend due to your reasons, and there was an option for me to go in their stead and display their entry/collect any prize, I’d do it.

I know you've exhausted all childcare possibilities but you mention that your DS's age is an issue when it comes to finding a carer?

When I was a student nurse I worked looking after very young children with complex disabilities in their home. If you live anywhere near me I'd bloody come and help for the price of a brew because it's so fucking unfair!

Yet again it's women being fucked over and I'm so sorry this thing that has given you a tiny bit of hope, autonomy and joy has been so cruelly squashed by your selfish husband.

If he is an employee, he has a right to take parental leave.

If that isn’t feasible because the family cannot afford to lose pay, or he’s already exhausted it, sick day it is.

This is important for your wellbeing.

But that's just not accurate. I do, or rather now after my medical event 'did'.

Well you (not u) can fuck off with your illiterate insensitive misogynistic guff

Not always, companies can refuse leave. There are plenty of companies who say no annual leave during busy period etc.

I hope ‘ur’ not looking after children or they may end up illiterate.

Yes, this whole scenario needs discussing properly. I think a special needs nanny is an option you really need to investigate more thoroughly, They do look after tiny babies upwards. Of course it's more expensive than a regular nanny, but if it means you get your life back... it's not just your wage that needs to cover it!

Suggest

You contact the competition people

You ask them to collect your entry from your home (cannot attend due to childcare issues)

Or ask a friend or neighbour to take the entry for you

Your DH has had a year to request the time off work !

I feel your disappointment

I don't know that it's generous to actually provide for your family when you've taken away any other way for said family to provide for themselves.

It could be seen as self-motivated, because what would he do if you split up? How would he manage looking after his dcs?

You allow/enable/facilitate him focusing on himself and his career, without you he wouldn't be able to do it.

I agree with pp saying he needs to pay for a nanny or some specialist childcare to allow you to be an actual person.