To be fuming DH is working AGAIN!

[SENSummer]

I’m going to caveat this by saying I’ve got a fever atm and more irritable than usual.

We have two small children one of whom is severely disabled and high needs. There’s no childcare for him. Please don’t suggest how I could gain childcare trust me we have been down every single route multiple times, including a SS. I was forced out of work due to lack of childcare something I neither wanted nor have enjoyed.

I’ve not been able to take up any hobbies, sports or classes that require my physical presence somewhere as DH has an all consuming job, he rarely finishes on time, rota is constantly changing and is basically just not in any way reliable childcare. Fine. He’s worked all my birthdays and mother’s days the last 3 years, he’s worked all last Christmas. I’m not precious about it and I’ve got on with it.

Anyways, I took up a hobby I could do quietly from home whilst still being on call for everyone else’s needs. Once a year there is a competition locally and I’ve entered it every year since having the kids. I do quite well and my rosettes go on the wall in the kitchen, they give me my self worth through the year. They’re the only thing I really achieve ‘for me’.

DH told me months ago he was working the entire weekend of the competition this year. I asked him to find a way around it, swap shifts…etc he cannot take holiday during that section of his rota. He said he would. Today he’s told me he’s not been able to and is unlikely now to be able to. I’m gutted and full blown sulking like an actual child. I just keep thinking about getting through another year without the little bit of pride seeing those rosettes brings me in the lowest moments.

You clearly have NO idea what it's like to have a disabled child. What an unkind person you must be.

Reading through the full thread it sounds like it isn't a case of needing him to work all hours from a financial perspective but that he chooses to work all hours because he wants to put his career first.

Assuming you have discussed this with him, told him how you feel and asked him to be more involved at home and he has said no you really are only left with two options.

1. Accept this is your life, potentially for years and years to come
2. Leave him and see if you can find a better way, if you left hopefully he would still want to see the kids so you would have those days to yourself.

That is ultimately all there is too it, accept he puts work first and doesn't care enough to find a solution to you having time for yourself or do something about it and leave.

Honestly, as a one off he should pull a sicky.

A man who has never bothered to sort time off for your birthday or for Mother’s Day is a man who likely hasn’t tried properly for this as well. It’s easy to say “sorry, I tried” when he asked one person and they said no. If he genuinely wanted to he would have found a way to sort it.

Same situation here. My DS1 is now 15 and I'm 45 and I wonder if I will ever be able to work again (who will employ me?). Carer's allowance is a pittance but it's better than nothing I suppose. Sorry you are in this situation as well @SENSummer ❤️

I'm so sorry OP it's a horrible situation to be stuck in, and to not even able to do the ONE day of the year where you actually feel you have value as your own person and not as a wife/mum...

He cares too much about his career and he would choose it over us, that has been made clear in the past

That's more of a problem than the one you've posted about? Though it does stem directly from it

Are you able to look at other ways that you can generate income which don’t require you to leave the home - because financial power is the crux of your vulnerability.

is there money to use to invest in rental properties? I have built up a steady stream of income that requires no physical attendance from investment properties - it’s a long term thing but is working well to give me financial independence.

it sounds like an incredibly difficult situation - if your husband won’t change then long term solutions are possible

is there charities or groups that support your child’s disability that you could get involved in? This could give you a way to use your skills and give you satisfaction?

its always women that are screwed over in this scenario xxxx

Suggest

Can you order a taxi or user to take your competition entry

They take a photo to prove that you have entered & send it back to you

They collect at an agreed time

Uber !

Can you do something in the day, when your child is at the Specialist School you mentioned? Even if it just an hour or so, you could look at studying, going to the gym, even starting a (very small) business.

Legally, it is likely he can take parental leave that day or annual leave on that day (not sure if being parent of a disabled child means work have to be a little more flexible).
Personally I would be very clear that he is responsible for the children that day and then get up very early on the day and simply go to your booked event. Turn your phone off and leave him to it.

I understand it's ONE DAY out of 365 days you have asked for ONE and it cannot happen gutted for you

Op if you say where you live

One of us kind Mumsnet people can help you, who live locally ?

You have a DH problem.

His career comes first and foremost.
He is unable and unwilling to manage his time at work so he can be at home to support you.
He is using work as an excuse to nit pareht his dcs. I’m guessing more his high need child than the other.
Im not even sure he REALLY couldn’t take any annual leave during that weekend.
And he has no respect or care for you. Not for the huge amount of work you’re putting. Not for the strain that looking after a child with high needs gives. Not for the fact you’ve given up everything, your career, your life as a person just that he could carry in with his.

Im not sure what the answer is. Even if you were separated, I doubt he’d step up and you’d be just as alone as you are now.
But please, carry on rating away. I hear you.

Because its the only thing she has for her, once a fucking year.

Do you have anything you enjoy doing? Imagine your partner let you down on the most important weekend of your hobby.

What a horrible comment.

https://www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

Legally? What are you talking about? What law allows for that?

Employers can allocate annual leave. You actually have no right to request it when you want it. You have to legal right to the leave, but not when you take it. Most employers just have you submit requests and they approve when possible but they could actually just issue everyone with leave dates and tell you when you get to use yours.

Unpaid parental leave needs to be taken in blocks of a week at a time, and you can request it but the employer has the right to come back and say no and give it to you on another week. They may, if they agree, give you individual days but you are not legally entitled to that. The legal entitlement to unpaid parental leave is a week at a time, and the employer can say no and give you a different week.

There is obviously nothing stopping you calling in and saying, “I have no childcare and cannot work today.” Your employer can treat it as an unpaid day or apply annual leave but you can also face disciplinary action if you do that, as its the same as just not showing up for work.

is he working all the hours and shifts he can to avoid childcare / family life?

It doesn't sound like much fun for either of you.

https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave

ODFOD

It's not noble of him to be the breadwinner supporting the household financially when he has forced OP into this situation by not being willing to drop his hours so OP can also work. Along with the statement that he'd choose work over his family I suspect he didn't even bother asking. Does he ever look after his children by himself? This is one weekend out of the whole year and he should be moving hell and high water to make sure hes off for it. I don't buy that he couldn't as he had plenty of notice, if he knew 100% he couldn't then he could call in sick; reality is that sadly he doesn't want to. He doesn't sound decent or good hearted either OP.

He isn't really decent though is he? He could have easily allowed your career to take off by going part time but wouldn't. He won't even spend one day with his children so you can have me time. You aren't allowed to work unless you fit it in with his job.
I really really feel for you OP. I know what it's like having a child with severe SEN. It's so consuming. You need your you time before you burn out. Unfortunately your husband won't get it because you do everything and he has no idea how hard it is.
You are NBU to be upset and pissed off with him. You are BU to think he is a decent man (apart from the fact he does work).
I assume he wouldn't dream of taking a sick day so unfortunately it looks like you can't attend the event.
I really would reconsider my marriage based on the fact he doesn't give a fuck about your mental health.

This is not an emergency. He is not entitled to emergency leave for this.

He can request annual leave or request planned unpaid parental leave. They can refuse it. He can simply call and say he isn’t coming in but he can face disciplinary action for that.

Which also applies TO HIM

That means he should have taken time off to be there to look after HIS OWN CHILDREN

He didn’t try. He is never there. He would prefer to destroy the family than change his hours/career.
Thats not the attitude of a parent who sees their life coming last because he has children now.

Or maybe you mean that’s only true for mothers???

Is he really so generous and kind hearted? Im
going to be really blunt-working on your birthday and Mother’s Day and now the one day a year you’ve asked him not to just sounds he doesn’t give a fuck about you. Do you really think his job is that inflexible?