To be fuming DH is working AGAIN!

[SENSummer]

I’m going to caveat this by saying I’ve got a fever atm and more irritable than usual.

We have two small children one of whom is severely disabled and high needs. There’s no childcare for him. Please don’t suggest how I could gain childcare trust me we have been down every single route multiple times, including a SS. I was forced out of work due to lack of childcare something I neither wanted nor have enjoyed.

I’ve not been able to take up any hobbies, sports or classes that require my physical presence somewhere as DH has an all consuming job, he rarely finishes on time, rota is constantly changing and is basically just not in any way reliable childcare. Fine. He’s worked all my birthdays and mother’s days the last 3 years, he’s worked all last Christmas. I’m not precious about it and I’ve got on with it.

Anyways, I took up a hobby I could do quietly from home whilst still being on call for everyone else’s needs. Once a year there is a competition locally and I’ve entered it every year since having the kids. I do quite well and my rosettes go on the wall in the kitchen, they give me my self worth through the year. They’re the only thing I really achieve ‘for me’.

DH told me months ago he was working the entire weekend of the competition this year. I asked him to find a way around it, swap shifts…etc he cannot take holiday during that section of his rota. He said he would. Today he’s told me he’s not been able to and is unlikely now to be able to. I’m gutted and full blown sulking like an actual child. I just keep thinking about getting through another year without the little bit of pride seeing those rosettes brings me in the lowest moments.

I doubt it. What is this big important job, top heart surgeon? Astronaut? Is he Tim fucking Peake"
No just another deadbeat who uses work to get out of family life and shirk any responsibility to his disabled child while his wife sacrifices her whole life.

And he can't do this one thing for her .

Pathetic and disgusting

This really.

It's shit OP. But he has shown you who he is and how he values what you do. It's going to take a while to achieve, but you need to plan how you leave this marriage in the long term.

@SENSummer could you give us your rough geographical location?

OP does he realise that if you divorce you would get half of his pension? He would need to give you enough money to have similar lifestyle? You would get 50% of the value of the house? That he would HAVE to do 50% childcare? Or organise for it to happen.

He could book the time off. He could pull a sickie. He could push for the time off.

He could but I suspect he just doesn’t want to do it.

What would happen if you said one morning I’m off out for the day? Or if you need to go into hospital?

You should both have equal amounts of time for self care and hobbies.

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodesky and then get him to as well.

If he cares about you and the kids he will get it. If he doesn’t then I think you need to get some joint counselling and I would be getting some legal advice now about your financial situation should you divorce.

You are clearly a bright and intelligent woman with a lot to give the world over and above your role as a parent. I hope you can find a way to bring that to us all. Good luck.

Yes OP, how dare you want 1 lousy day out of an entire year to yourself? Don't you know your every waking moment should be dedicated to your children and you should have no personality or any interests of your own whatsoever? Also, no income of your own, and definitely no career. And finally - just in case you're not clear on the rules of being a mother - all your topics of conversation should be solely about your children.

She would probably get at least some respite though if her H wanted to see the kids at all and it would have to be scheduled so she can plan around it.

Could you go for a nurse to nanny? I have looked after children with complex needs if parents wanted (needed) a day off. Both as a student nurse and as a RN.

Op, this is his problem to solve and not yours. You are entitled to this day. He can take Emergency Parent Leave or call in sick. It is for him to solve. Go to your competition and best of luck.

that's not how it works...

You have probably explored this but their are often carers centres in UK that offer support and guidance and you could ask for a carers assessment through Social Services - I don’t think that’s just in my area.

But you’ve probably already tried - I just thought it worth mentioning as it’s a different way in than seeking childcare or respite. It’s about your needs as an unpaid carer.

@WhiteWashingSunnyDay That he would HAVE to do 50% childcare? Unfortunately he doesn't have to do this even if it would be the fairest. He will have to provide financially though if OP has the children the most and he would hopefully want the children at least some of the time so OP would get much more of a break than she does now.

I understand where you are coming from.

People on the outside have no idea how difficult it is.

My child has severe autism and I’ve been caring for him for the past 5 years.

My child’s support worker suggested I put him in a dedicated special needs school. I had already looked into it and nothing exists. I politely said “sure, do you know the name of this school?” She said “no, I don’t know”. I said “that’s because they don’t exist.” There’s nothing until highschool and then they dump all of the special needs kids together in a room.

My sister said to put him in a language school. I told her they won’t accept him as they don’t accept children with autism. We’ve had the same conversation over 10 times.

My partner said I can go back to work, I said that I can’t get a new job and take him to all his appointments and finish work early because he can’t be in after school care due to his support needs. He said he would do it - but he wouldn’t even take a personal day to take our son to appointments when I had gastro (severe vomiting) because he wanted to go to drinks after work so he snuck out of the house early in the morning.

I’ve seen women who used to work below me excelling in their careers and getting promotions and I’m sitting at home with absolutely zero outlet and wearing the same thing every day.

The only time I have to myself is when everyone is sleeping.

I know what you’re going through. It’s hell.

But he's not regularly refusing to come in is he? His partner has asked him for one day and he can't even be bothered to do that.

If you will risk your job it's how it works, yes.

If he's asked for the time off already, I wouldn't pull a sickie. He'll be pulled in front of HR. Nothing more obvious than going off sick after asking for and being declined holiday.

Also emergency parental leave isn't so the other parent can go to do her hobby or take part in a competition. It's for when children are sick but again if he's asked for holiday it will be obvious if he then pulls the sick child card.

Everyone suggesting both of these are suggesting he puts his job at risk so the OP can enter a competition.

Could you phone his work and explain and ask if there is any possible way of rejigging things? It’s overstepping a boundary I know but it’s one day that’s for you and quite frankly I don’t believe him but that might be my bias because of my shit STBXH.

Tell him how you feel and you go and earn and make him stay at home and look after the children - they are his children too!

You have accepted that he will always put his job before you, his children and the family unit. You have a lifetime of this ahead of you, as you said, "He cares too much about his career and he would choose it over us, that has been made clear in the past."

You've tolerated the lack of his presence on Mother's Days, birthdays and Christmas but now he can't even organise to give you the one and only day of the year you've asked for.

I really think you need to re-evaluate your life and calculate how vulnerable you are now. For example, how much pension have you lost already and will have lost by the time you're able to go back to work? What will your earning capacity be in future? How would your finances look if your DH left you? If none of that looks good then you both need to start building a financial pot that would enable you to be in the same position as your DH. It's not a partnership if one person has all the childcare load/restrictions leading to financial vulnerability while the other person builds a lucrative career and pension.

You say you're grateful he's a generous provider. Again, this smacks of him being in control of the finances and you appreciating what he gives you. Why isn't his salary jointly owned by both of you? He wouldn't be able to earn it if you weren't doing the home/childcare element of the situation so it shouldn't be his property to be generous with.

Perhaps you feel trapped and resentful that this is now your life (I know I would!) and you might benefit from some independent financial advice and some coaching/counselling/therapy to help you to see a way forward.

It’s shit! I feel so angry on OPs behalf. It’s just one day for her. And THEY made the children together.

Do not do this.

oh god please don't do that

It would be more than embarrassing for all concerned and wouldn't go well for anyone.

OP my heart genuinely hurts for you, I grew up with a sibling with profound disabilities and have a child with SEN. I won’t insult your intelligence by making suggestions about care and support but I am appalled at the lack of what is available to you. Whilst offerings vary based on area, this is so poor. And the best bit is you have to fight for it yourself!

You haven’t mentioned family and friends or whether you can take the kids to this event, but I’m sad that there is nobody in your life that would help you for this one day. You do matter, you are important, and I agree with others that there is a serious problem in your marriage if your husband doesn’t see this.

Why be together if one can't be a team player in the marriage or relationship. I'd go it alone sounds like that's what you are already doing. My husband used to do this, in the end I asked for a divorce it opened his eyes I didn't choose to create a family alone or be responsible for a family alone, or stripped of my career and sanity throughout being forced to be home and juggle it all with at the time four small children 2 were grown up from my previous relationship.
my husband soon changed his ways, and now he asked me what I need if I need a break and so on. Just because he working doesn't mean he isn't your emotional support and he isn't responsible for the kids you made. It shouldn't be left to the ladies all the time, as a mother to be forced out of things they love and care about just because the man decided work comes before their family.
Yes, we need to earn money but not to the point it costs our partner her sanity and provide little to no support at home or enjoy our small familes.

It's difficult to give advice without knowing any details, what he does, how is your child, and what you do.

But could he pay someone to help YOU? Can you take the children with you? If you don't have friends available, can't you recruit a young local person (or not young..) who instead of babysitting will do the set-up and spend the day with you, while you are there but staying with your child?

I’m with you on this one op. I know your husbands career is very important seeing as he’s the sole earner, but I can understand how you must feel trapped and this is the one thing you get to do for you. Your wellbeing is as important as your physical health. It’s one weekend a year, he’s not going to get sacked for it if he explains he absolutely cannot work that one weekend. He doesn’t need to go into detail, he’s a father to a child with high support needs and you are unavailable that one weekend for something very important. That’s all he needs to say. You have taken a back seat on everything so your husband and children can have their needs met. He more than owes you this xx