Is it selfish that I don’t want to date a man with children?

[Donthaveacowman45]

I’m early 30s, single at the minute. I have a professional job, great salary, own house, good looking. I lead a great life. However, I would like to date. Been on the apps and honestly it isn’t great out there. My friends who are married say I’m being too fussy saying that I’m being too picky saying I don’t want to date a man who has kids. I’m understand, some men my age will have children but that isn’t my preference. I can’t see myself having a blended family, or being a stepmother, looking after someone’s else’s children, I’m over that. why is that so hard to get? I’m a being too fussy? Not all men my age have children but I honestly have no interest in raising another child.

Same!

If you don’t mind me asking what dating agency did you use and how did you find it?

For my friend it was simple - he did not want more children. And every childless woman he dated started to pester him to have some. So now he is happily remarried to a woman who had two children. And ironically his daughter is happiest of all as it has given her a sister.

Oh goodness EVERY WORD OF THIS!

As the long term singleton among some of my friends some to get really irate at my single status - despite me never mentioning it. And this is especially the case with male partners / husbands of friends and male acquaintances of mine. “Settle, SETTLE” they constantly tell me almost as if the very existence of a single woman makes them very uncomfortable.

Also agree with how tiring the trope is, that some people don’t have kids because “nobody would want to have kids with them because there is something wrong with them.”

Plenty of awful people have children. And some people only wanted children with them right person and never met that person.

Sounds like there is a misery loves company thing going on there.

I don't think a person who doesn't want a partner with DC has any business dating a parent. There are far too many instances of people who didn't want the kids around but didn't let that stop them from pursuing a relationship with the parent anyway.

You're being very sensible to hold that particular boundary OP. It's more selfish to be with someone whose kids you resent than it is to opt out.

No, it's not selfish at all. There's the small compromises you make because you are already in love with someone, and then there's 'settling', which never ends well.

Absolutely stick to your guns. I dated in my mid 30s with one small DC (I mean, he wasn't involved in the dating but I had him at the time!). I totally respected any men who said it wasn't for them. It's completely fair enough and up to them. I was never in the market to persuade someone to be in my child's life.

There are plenty of men aged 30-40 without DC.

You're not selfish OP. Your stance is very thoughtful, in that you've considered in depth what a relationship with someone who is a parent would look like, and decided it's not for you. The absolute ideal probably isn't out there, but settling for someone who is miles away on the fundamentals (eg, no compatibility over children, religion, smoking, finance, gender roles) leaves you with a bar so low an ant couldn't limbo under it.

It's not up to your friends of course, but anyone who loves you won't want you to enter a situation which would almost certainly make you unhappy, not to mention what it would do to any children who were involved. Stick to your principles. Thirty-something men without children aren't like hens' teeth - they're out there.

And I’m sure many of them would love to find a woman who isn’t being driven by her biological clock.

Well what’s wrong with saying that? I think more people need to love themselves.

There’s 100% people out there for everyone. Of course most woman who want kids that are in their 30’s are conscious of their biological clock ticking, but there are plenty of woman who either don’t want children or aren’t worried about that clock.
there are also certainly men out there in their 30’s who don’t have kids
OP you are not selfish! x

Some people hate a confident woman

I wouldn’t want to date a man with children and I have them myself!
Much better to be honest and say you’re not up for being a stepmother than starting a relationship with someone then resenting him or his kids

@Waterbaby41 that would be totally his choice. I didn't force childless men to date me , just as I couldn't be forced to date men with kids. I was fully okay with being rejected by childless men that want a child free woman. Free will and all that.

Preferences are absolutely fine.

I can't see an issue with think thinking at all - I'm a few years older than you OP but also wouldn't date a man with children, it would not even be a consideration. I'm not interested in that lifestyle, I am not looking to care for someone else's child (at all, even infrequently). I know it would be far preferable for me to date a man without children whereby we can form a life together and spend time together without working around children andn ex-partners from a past relationship. Nothing about that set up appeals to me and it wouldn't even occur to me to budge on it when dating.

I also can't see how it could possible be selfish to make that choice, selfishness implies you are choosing your happiness over someone else's. There is no other party here, you only need to please yourself in this respect.

Should say I have no interest in wanting children. I already have a teenager who has a great relationship with her dad. I’m not looking for another man to parent my child, she doesn’t need that. I have no interest in becoming a step mother or doing them duties either.

Do you expect some man without children to take on your dc?

I said no. I would not expect that nor do I want that. My teenager already has their own father. They don’t need a stepfather father or another father figure.

I don't want to date a man with small children. Teens upwards I wouldn't mind but I get you op

She absolutely should put her own needs and wants first. Tell me where I said otherwise?

Did you read all of what I wrote, or just the first line?

Yes. Putting your own needs first is the very definition of selfish, surely?

But nowhere in my post did I say that, in your circumstances, it's a bad thing. If you read my post, I actually said it's the only reasonable thing.

IMO being selfish isn't always negative. I'm fact I think many women, and especially (but not uniquely) mothers would be better off being a bit more selfish sometimes. I include the person I was twenty years ago in that.

‘or have my part er empty his wallet into his ex’s bank account’

Do you mean taking some financial responsibility for the children he has chosen to create.

In my case, even through the CSA the money that was emptied into my bank account wasn't even enough to cover DC’s school dinners.
Who picked up the rest of the financial responsibility….ME.

Yeah agree. We should be stay at home nuns with no life. In fact lets not see our friends either.

If I was single I absolutely wouldn't want to date someone with kids. You are taking on a relationship with their kids and their ex whether you like it or not.