Is it selfish that I don’t want to date a man with children?

[Donthaveacowman45]

I’m early 30s, single at the minute. I have a professional job, great salary, own house, good looking. I lead a great life. However, I would like to date. Been on the apps and honestly it isn’t great out there. My friends who are married say I’m being too fussy saying that I’m being too picky saying I don’t want to date a man who has kids. I’m understand, some men my age will have children but that isn’t my preference. I can’t see myself having a blended family, or being a stepmother, looking after someone’s else’s children, I’m over that. why is that so hard to get? I’m a being too fussy? Not all men my age have children but I honestly have no interest in raising another child.

The money issue for me is part of the catch-22 for why I wouldn’t want to date a man with kids. You wouldn’t want to date someone feckless who doesn’t support his kids, but equally if my efforts are going 100% to support our family, I expect the same from my partner. Not him having a chunk of time and energy going out the door to support another family.

It’s not that supporting his other kids is wrong, it’s about what he brings to the table now.

Why shouldn't you be picky? It's not as if there's any rush.

No it is not selfish, you shouldn’t get involved with a man with children if you don’t want to take on the stepmother role. Not fair on anyone to do this.

You definitely shouldn't, too much to take on! I say that as someone who wouldn't date people with kids even though I had one myself 🤣

Single, 37, no kids, never married.

I wouldn't date a man with kids either.

Doesn't leave many options though! 😂

Maybe when my peer group's kids are grown up adults it might be different...

Well yes, it is selfish, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.

Yes! Also long term single and my friends actually don't give a monkeys about my single status. Their husbands however are weirdly fixated on it.

One friends husband said (when my friend was pregnant) "so are you..like..jealous of Lucy? Like with her being pregnant and stuff, do you want to have a baby?"

😅 I replied that I could see Lucy is really happy and it's very exciting etc but that I'm not jealous no, if for me it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't.

to which he replied "so you're just going to be a spinster???"

at this point my (mortified) friend stepped in 😂

Absolutely not unreasonable. Unreasonable would be dating a man with children and including them in a probably unhappy situation because you don’t really want it.

When I divorced I definitely wasn’t interested in becoming a stepmother, had had my own children and wanted a bit of freedom.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to not wish to date men who already have children if that is your preference. It is much kinder and more honest to be up front about not wanting to be a step-parent, far healthier than doing what many women and men do which is to begin a relationship with someone they know already has children only to then resent those children later on and try to drive a wedge between their partner's 'new' and 'old' families. My mum was a wonderful mother to me and her children from a previous marriage but a terrible step-mother to my dad's children from his previous marriage, despite marrying in the full knowledge that he had two children of whom he had full custody. My thought is that nobody should begin a serious relationship with a parent, especially of young children, if they aren't willing to treat them as part of the package and welcome them with an open heart.

I think the opposite. As a mother I would not want my DC being looked after by an unwilling Stepmum, I'd much rather that these women filter my ex out of their choices.

I also understand how much effort it takes to raise children, and how much emotion and commitment is needed. I thought carefully about how many children I wanted to have, I absolutely would not compromise that by dating a man who has children.

@Donthaveacowman45 Let's hope you find someone without a child who doesn't mind you having a child then🙂

Why would you want baggage when you don’t have any? You’d be mad to take the n all that stress if you don’t need to!

Absolutely this - no way I’d be up for the father of my children paying out for another family that’s nothing to do with me which is why I married someone with no kids same as me. Also I wanted my first to be his first as it’s such a special moment having your first baby together.

But they'd have to accept that you have a kid and their life with you would be different to if you were child free.

I'm all for looking for partners with no kids. But in this case wen you have one, it doesn't sit well that you'd expect the guy to be okay if you had one but not if they did.

I get it if they had young kids. But what if they also had one teenager who didn't need a mother (like you say your daughter doesn't need another father figure)?

Ha ha ha!

I remember being berated at a wedding by my ex-colleague because I had broken up with my then partner and was single and 34. He started to raise his voice “so, what are you doing, that’s it, you’re going to just stay single???! Don’t you WANT to get married??!”

He seemed so irate, his wife and another guest had to step in - it was so weird to me. I have no idea why they care.

And for him to ask if you are just going to be a spinster….ye Gods! 😂😬

It’s like they are personally offended!

There are plenty out there.

She can have her preferences and the men can have theirs.

She seems fine with people rejecting her for having a child so not sure why she should have to amend her preferences for a circumstance she knows she will fare poorly in.

Seems sensible to me. If they don't want to date you because you have a child, that's fine too.

“I'm all for looking for partners with no kids. But in this case wen you have one, it doesn't sit well that you'd expect the guy to be okay if you had one but not if they did.”

Why doesn’t this sit well? Is it bad that a woman has the temerity to put her (and her existing child’s) needs first?

I think it will vastly reduce your pool of opportunity but is entirely sensible.

When I was 30 and OLD no children and no prior marriages were on my list. I wasn't being anyone's step parent or getting embroiled in any ex issues.

But maybe childfree men don’t want to deal with your lifetime third wheel and all the baggage that entails? So no, I don’t think you’re selfish, but definitely hypocritical. Single parents need to date each other honestly and leave the childless/free for the rest of us childless/free

I don't think there is any problem with OP dating a childfree man - so long as the man knows that OP has a child.
It could work out well, woman has child and man may be less likely to want further children, so it's win win.

I have a close family member that has a blended family, it is hell on earth. Stick with your boundry.

I did!