For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

https://musculardystrophynews.com/columns/why-i-dont-view-myself-as-disabled/

Thought a social housing secure tenancy was too good to give up. Make your minds up

YANBU

I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t work for any reason at all. I would think that our lifestyles were too mismatched if he was sitting at home all day and I was busy at work. I think someone who has a lot of free time on their hands is likely to want more than you can offer when you are busy and working full time.

I also wouldn’t date someone where there a massive salary discrepancy. I want an equal partner, not someone that I have to financially support, or who can’t afford to do things with me.

Some of the replies on this thread are unbelievable. Do some posters really feel that OP should jump into a relationship with this incompatible man and just be grateful that any man has shown any sort of interest in her because she has the audacity to be a single mum? The misogyny is disgraceful.

OP, when I was a single mum, a few men didn’t want to date me for that reason (which is fine). Lots of other men did. And believe it or not, I didn’t feel unending gratitude to them for that in spite of what some poster’s perceptions of us disgusting single mums might be.

I wouldn’t have dated anyone who didn’t have a job. I would have thought that the rationale for that would be quite obvious.

I especially wouldn’t date someone who went to the gym, socialised, drove and did whatever they wanted, but didn’t work because they had a sore leg. That shows an insanely poor work ethic regardless of the bleating from some posters.

Oh, and to piss off the ‘no one will date you because you’re a single mum’ posters, I’ve got 2 dates next week ☺️🤗

People arent saying she should date him. They are objecting to the way shes talking about disability and the fact that he lives in social housing. Just because someone excsrsises doesnt mean they can work The NHS often prescribes excersise If they wonder why some patients wont take that advice then they only need to look at this thread

And they have jobs and their own homes. ❤️

Hi. I never said anything about disabilities. Never even mentioned the word. It’s everyone else who decided to mention it, diagnosing this man with a disability that even he doesn’t claim to have.

In what way did I talk about social housing? I didn’t say anything, other than he lives in social housing.

You’re projecting.

HTH xx

My DH was unemployed when I met him. Realistically it was symptomatic of his generally lazy and entitled attitude to life at the time.

25 years later I have worked hard to change his attitude to life and he is much better. But I'm not going to lie. If I knew then what I know now, I might have thought twice. I absolutely love him to bits and he's the best thing that ever happened to me. But he has and always will have an entitled attitude that can come across as petulant and defeatist. He has little ambition and drive, which is fine, I have loads! But he wants things he's not prepared to work hard for. So I do the working hard and I do feel resentful at times. I love what I do but if he loved what he did he'd be on a much better wage and our lives would be so much easier.

So if I was you I would see his situation as a red flag and honestly you're right to think twice and end it.

This isn’t the case here. He doesn’t have mental health issues, in fact, he even said he feels the best he’s ever felt mentally

You mentioned it in your second post Here

Butterfly789 · 20/05/2025 23:06
Just to make it clear - it’s not anything to do with him being disabled! More the fact that I know if things went further with him I would be the sole earner. I’m not sure this is a great idea considering I am also a mum

Oh dear, are you talking utter shite again? 😂😂😂

When did he say this. Its not the sort of thing i would immediately discuss with someone i dont know very well (complete stranger )

Yes because people kept mentioning him being “disabled” and I wanted to make it clear that this post is nothing to do with disabilities.

Probably wasn’t the best wording though as it does look like I’m saying he’s disabled

I wouldn’t say we were “complete strangers”. We spoke daily and had many deep conversations over a 2-3 week period.

No, having an accident doesn't automatically mean you're disabled. Having an accident which means you can't work, which is what YOU said, is obviously "a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long-term negative effect on their ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities.”

Still, you've got the validation you craved from the less bright contingent on Mumsnet so you must be happy 🙄

This is exactly the point I’ve been trying to make all this time! His injury doesn’t stop him from doing day to day activities, yet he still chooses not to work - so what does that make him? A lazy, work shy man who is in fact NOT disabled.

Thank you for helping me to prove my point 🤗

But you have never met him so hes a complete stranger.

Ok great, so by your definition we’re ’complete strangers’. Still doesn’t change the fact he told me he feels great mentally. Whether it’s something you personally would discuss with a ‘stranger’ or not is irrelevant. He chose to discuss it with me. Next

She isn’t compelled to date someone who lives in social housing, who is disabled (if he is), or who is unemployed. You all bloody well date him if you feel so strongly about how eligible he is.

It very much sounds like he is able to work. He has an old leg injury. There are lots of jobs he could do. I would find his lack of drive and work ethic repellent.

She hasn’t inferred that the accident has meant that he can’t work. He could work. That’s part of the issue.

Try to remember the way ppl date has changed. Im nearly 52 so it wasnt done like this when i was younger. Talking on the phone for weeks didnt happen unless you were long distance and internet dating didnt exist. So yes my generation would class someone we havent met as a stranger