For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

He does play sport.

Anyway, the good news is this man is still on the market, so all the people slamming the OP for making a decision based on her circumstances before it went any further than chatting and caused any hurt can date this gem of a man.

CBA or can afford not too? You don't know either way.

Bottom line is OP has drawn a line under it so it won't go any further. It was a new relationship anyway.

And my physio has recommended to me that I go to exercise classes.

I'm still disabled.

Jesus Christ, your imagination is not a substitute for medical knowledge.

I'm not imagining anything. I think you are one of many on this thread projecting your own situation onto him (and by the way, you have no idea of my situation).

You wrote: There are diseases and injuries that you haven't even heard of, and you think it's as simple that if you have friends, you must have a fully functioning body?

If he plays sports, he is probably not as lacking in function as you imagine.

Exactly. It wasn't even a relationship yet. They hadn't even met.

Good thing she didn’t then.

You can date whoever you like.
You don’t want this man because you can see he will be a financial burden. But you also come with the burden of a child. Most people aren’t looking to raise someone else’s child or having to factor said child into holidays and time together.

The OP didn't say the man would be a financial burden, rather might be.

*might be

Sure. Don’t think it really changes anything.

No, I've have been the target of someone attempting to bully me on this thread and I stood up to them. Hth.

This thread has certainly brought out the nasty element of Mumsnet, from the council housing snobs to those who demand that people with disabilities prove their disability and that both or either characteristic make someone an unsuitable partner. No doubt there will come a time when some of these snobs will find themselves in one the groups they despise so much - it would be interesting to see how their attitude changes then ...

I cannot believe how many women here are gagging for this bloke who refuses to work!

Snobs? You have a very low bar for men; doesnt mean that other women have to be as daft.

No, I have high standards but I'm not a snob. You have things the other way round 😂

Exactly this. Plenty of disabled people work. If they were ever to live together he would lose his benefits and would be her dependent.

You've done the right thing OP. You're priority is your child, and you don't need to date someone who will be an extra financial responsibility for you. Any man you date should be able to support himself.

If you stayed with this man an he eventually moved in, he would lose his benefits and you would be expected to support him financially.

Ignore anyone trying to make you feel guilty. You don't need to feel grateful just because someone was happy to date you - you should have higher standards than that

I am pretty fucking sick of reading offensive bullshit about the disabled so yes I do take it personally when people take assumptions and run with them.

You are the one making all the assumptions and being holier than thou. Do stop with the performative bullshite. A single mother asked for basic dating advice and given the red flags about this man, she is right. You dont have to extrapolate much more and damn her for the supposed sins of many others. You sound unhinged.

There's a few who sound unhinged. The one shouting at me about car parking is one of them. Bizarre behaviour. Plenty of assumptions being made by those moaning about presumptions.

I will FO to leave you shouting into the void. I am not at all invested in arguing with weirdos online. Have a great weekend.

It sounds like you made the right decision. You are looking at the bigger picture for you and your child in the longer term before you get swept away by your heart - which you could do if you dated him for longer. Not only could you become the primary or sole earner you’d likely have the bulk of the household chores as you are the one with a child. You’d end up resenting someone who couldn’t support you on an equal footing.

Bit like those same dickheads thinking people are obliged to justify their choices of date to random members of the public👍 looks like we can add what type of car they choose to drive now.