For not dating an unemployed man?

[Butterfly789]

Just need some validation that I’m not a complete heartless cow!

I recently met a man via online dating and we have been chatting for a few weeks (haven’t met up yet). At first, he was a bit vague about what his job was, but eventually admitted he’s unemployed due to an accident he had 5 years ago. He says he’s unable to work because of this. I was a bit apprehensive, but carried on talking to him and arranged a date, as he’s actually really lovely and I enjoy speaking to him. This was until today when I had a bit of a ‘what am I doing?’ moment and decided this man isn’t for me. I told him this (in a diplomatic way) and he didn’t take it very well.

For context - I am 28, have a well paid professional job, am a homeowner and have a 3 year old. He is 10 years older than me, lives in council housing and as I previously mentioned, is unemployed.

Am I just being a massive snob? As I said, he’s a really lovely man, I’m just not sure how it would work with us having such different lifestyles!

You're the sort who DEMANDS to see someone's Blue Badge if they park where you want to leave your SUV "while you just pop to the shop" aren't you?

If you own your home but still have a mortgage, then you are less secure than someone in a council house. So I am not sure of the sneering other than it comes from the judgemental thoughts about people in social housing being scroungers.

Yes, a council home is a secure, ethical form of housing, where the rent goes back to the community.

A mortgage is an enormous debt and leaves you in an insecure position.

Good for you OP to have some very healthy boundaries and decent minimum standards! Some of the responses are just batshit and full of bile. Of curse, the age, living situation and job/no job is highly relevant. He has not worked in a long while and that is a huge no no for any woman with a child or even when single because you do not want to pay out for another adult. Given he has full mobility and is able to socialise and go out, means he could do many jobs and I would personally not be cool with a guy choosing not to work.

There's nothing more full of bile than assuming someone you don't know doesn't work purely because they're lazy.

Someone who doesn't plan to work but is able to socialise is actively choosing not to look for employment.
The number choosing benefits as a lifestyle means there is less for those who need it. Disabled people and the elderly miss out as public funds are spread to include people who choose not to work.

A mortgage allows people to purchase their home in installments. I have the option to move or downsize through having used mortgages.
Many council home owners were given options to buy and did so, rather than purchasing private property, which meant fewer council properties for people who really didn't have the option to work.
There needs to be protected social housing for those who really need it.

I know someone who inherited a nice sum when her mum died. She has money to live on and does not need to work.

Where has OP said this man is on any sort of benefit? Why are you assuming he is on benefits? To me, his lifestyle is not that of someone on benefits as they would not be able to afford what he is doing. Which makes me think he had some compensation. I have know people to have very big pay-outs due to an accident at work. And it is not a red flag for him not having that on his dating app profile, or wanting to mention it to any potential dates either.

You also have no idea how the welfare system works. Genuine people are not paid less because of other people taking the piss. Money is not distributed in that way. Less claimants does not mean more for those still claiming.

You are a bully.

This is the definition of bitchy.

Massive props to Op for being clearsighted and making rational decisions as well as centering her child. A man who doesnt work is a MASSIVE red flag in any society in any situation but since PPs got triggered by the mention of his social housing, they are being utter shits to OP. Good thing that Op is too sensible to be affected by the jealousy and petty insults.

PIP will be assessed because it's not sustainable and then the low capacity to work and work related activities payments will likely need to be assessed next. Standard allowance is low and these additional benefits are vital for houses where people have genuine need, (but the assessment is difficult as it involves going off the information people say.)
It's also the additional support that aging and disabled people need that cannot be paid for.
Money doesn't grow on trees for people who can socialise to have council houses and not work to help pay and join in with the rest of society.

Where has OP said this man is on PIP? Or on any sort of benefits?

She knows him better than us on here, and she has not mentioned benefits. So why are you assuming otherwise?

Disability spots aren't on my radar, as I don't use them.

Absolute bollocks. Plenty of people are well enough to have some kind of a life and not be well enough for work because of their disability.

Being ignorant about the different types of disability does not make you an expert on disability.

Thank you.
Offering myself as an example. I am not able to work but I socialise. It is mainly organised groups but I do see people outside of that.
That does not mean I can work. If I can't make a group I wont be sanctioned or docked pay. The groups are for my well being. I know that most of the time I will feel better for going. Work for me has the opposite effect.

I didn't say I'm a disability expert. I am able to see through b*llsh't though.
He's perfectly able to socialise and date but not able to look for any type of work...not even considering a course or future options...this is why PIP will end up cut first. Sadly it will also impact genuine people who don't easily socialise and date.

Where did OP say he was on PIP, or any benefit?

So you're saying he's a rich bachelor choosing to take a council house from someone who needs it?

Where did OP say that too?

She has not given any indication as to whether he is on benefits, or had a pay out from work for his accident.

So what gives you the right to cast aspersions?

She wanted to know if she was reasonable to not peruse the relationship. And people can do that for any reason.

The rest of this thread has been a shit show. And people with money in SH is a whole different thread. Infact there are 2 about it now if you go back a few pages. Post on them.

See though what bullshit? You know precisely nothing about him, apart from that he dates and has a social life.

I date and have a social life. I'm still in agonising pain from a disease that affect every single minute of my life. I can't work anymore, which has been a huge grief to me because I loved my job. You might see me for twenty minutes of my life and make all kinds of ignorant assumptions about me.

You have no idea what you're talking about. There are diseases and injuries that you haven't even heard of, and you think it's as simple that if you have friends, you must have a fully functioning body? Do you realise how ridiculous that assumption is?

Believe me, I know xx

So which is he, rich and cba to work or faking disabilities and cba to work?

OP has not said as she does not know. Neither do you.
Enough said.

OK, but as he cba to work, OP cba to date him.