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Original poster

To not want MIL at birthday meal

179 replies

AllGoodNamesRGone · 20/05/2025 21:09

So, I know I'm going to get slated, but here goes...
My MIL is an absolute nightmare. Narcissistic and just down right rude and nasty to everyone.
It is my DC's significant birthday coming up and we'd arranged a lovely meal out at their choosing. There will be me, DH, my parents, DC and their sibling. Afterwards, the youngest is going back to my parents and me, DH and eldest will go for drinks.
MIL is coming from abroad (only an hour's flight) to visit. Didn't ask, just only asked to see our calendar which my husband obliged to, supposedly so she could fit in somewhere. She saw the date marked for the meal and has basically invited herself.
Previous meals have been torturous. She has commented in a negative way about what my DC are wearing, she swears when something doesn't go her way (imagine tables not quite ready) rude to staff (like almost have young waitresses in tears) and just generally sucks the life out the atmosphere.
My DC doesn't want her there and I've told DH this and that he needs to ask what she wants.
Obviously there are no winners here. She will be upset and angry and my DH will be in the firing line if he tells her she can't come.
At this point I just want to cancel it all because I can't deal with the stress right now.
Lots of background to this as well. I've also been NC with her for years, yet I'm supposed to make pleasantries with her for that night.
I don't know what to say or do.

OP posts:
SunshineIdiot789 · 20/05/2025 21:11

DH is the idiot that shared the calendar and allowed her to invite herself. He needs to fix it.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 20/05/2025 21:13

Cancel the meal. Take DC away for the weekend and leave him to his mother.

AutumnLeaves91 · 20/05/2025 21:15

If this is a significant birthday (or any tbh), imagine how upset you’d feel afterwards knowing it was ruined by the MIL’s presence purely to keep the peace. That isn’t a dig on you OP @AllGoodNamesRGone im on your side and think MIL shouldn’t go! The child doesn’t want her there, you don’t, don’t allow it

SmallBirdie · 20/05/2025 21:15

Of course she can’t come if the birthday child doesn’t want her there.

DH needs to tell her she can’t come. If she doesn’t accept that then I’d change the time and venue of the meal so she can’t just show up.

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/05/2025 21:16

SmallBirdie · 20/05/2025 21:15

Of course she can’t come if the birthday child doesn’t want her there.

DH needs to tell her she can’t come. If she doesn’t accept that then I’d change the time and venue of the meal so she can’t just show up.

Yup, it’s a DH problem, he needs to sort it.

Hoppinggreen · 20/05/2025 21:17

Tell your DH that as you are NC and you have organised the meal his Mother cannot come and he needs to ensure she isn't.
He shared the calendar with her so he should be the one "in the firing line"

ohfourfoxache · 20/05/2025 21:18

I’d be absolutely gutted if I was the kid with the birthday tbh Sad

TeaAndToast8 · 20/05/2025 21:19

Get your husband to tell her she’s not invited. Or make an excuse /lie about changing plans but don’t just go along with her nonsense.

Allinadayswork80 · 20/05/2025 21:20

What exactly is your DH saying/doing about this? His horrible mother, his problem. You are NC and your DC doesn’t want her there. DH needs to sort, otherwise he can attend the meal with her whilst you all go elsewhere.

KnittyNell · 20/05/2025 21:20

Does no one have the balls to explain to the woman that her behaviour is unacceptable and she is not welcome unless she learns to behave in a reasonable manner.

Therealjudgejudy · 20/05/2025 21:28

Your husband needs to tell her she is not invited.

No way should she ruin your childs birthday!

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 20/05/2025 21:30

Don't cancel..... rearrange....

Edited to add - change the restaurant and the time and don't tell her. Obviously your child should not have to miss the day they had planned

sheknowsitstoolate · 20/05/2025 21:33

Well that was fucking stupid of your husband. She doesn’t have to come and I would get him to tell her no. But I would also probably change the time just incase she decided not to listen.

LoveWine123 · 20/05/2025 21:35

Your husband can offer to take his mother out for a meal by himself another day in the week she’s here. He should also tell her that this dinner is for your family only.

Longhotsummers · 20/05/2025 21:36

Can you not text her and tell her your DC doesn’t want her there? She surely can’t argue with that. Be as rude to her as she is to everyone else.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 20/05/2025 21:37

Dh needs a sharp reminder of who he made vows to.

HappyMummaOfOne · 20/05/2025 21:41

Rearrange for another day ….and don’t tell your husband until 1 hour before. That way he can honestly tell his mum that he didn’t realise it had been moved and she couldn’t come 😂

Don’t let this woman ruin your DC’s celebration especially when they have said they don’t want her there! You wouldn’t force a child to have a bully at their birthday party so why would you subject your child to this vile woman at their meal just because she has a title of grandmother and is “family” 🙄

Enjoy the celebration meal without her. She wasn’t invited and she isn’t owed an invitation

godmum56 · 20/05/2025 21:42

I think its foot down time. She's not invited because of her previous behaviour.

DragonRunor · 20/05/2025 21:43

I imagine the restaurant is very full that evening and they can’t possibly squeeze her in ;)

TheMeasure · 20/05/2025 21:58

what the hell was your husband thinking, sharing your family’s calendar? However, I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest it might be better if you are the one who tells her she’s not to come (and why). Your relationship with her is fucked anyway so it won’t matter. This way, at least he can maintain some sort of uneasy truce with his mother and not burn bridges altogether. I know she sounds like a cow and he probably needs to assert some boundaries but that’s a longer game to play out going forward.

MermaidMummy06 · 20/05/2025 22:05

I had a MIL like this, and would be raging at my DH, although admittedly he would have blabbed then said he doesn't remember me telling him not to....

Move the meal. Tell DH you're not sure when too & only tell him the day before. If he gets angry, tell him you're not having DC celebration ruined. You have to do whatever you can with these bullies or they'll keep causing upset as they think they are always right.

Pickingdates · 20/05/2025 22:08

Absolutely not.

Your husband will have to not attend if he can't deal with his mother.
Infact his stupidity causing this stress would make it best if he doesn't come.

Move the venue and time.
Whatever it takes so that she doesn't come.
It is that simple.

Don't share a calendar if your husband hasn't the cop on not to share it.
What a weak moron.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 20/05/2025 22:12

Your DH has to fix it, even if it means he's 'in the firing line'.
Too bad.
He should have said no as soon as his mother said she would come for it. His child shouldn't have to pay the price, so to speak, and the child has said that MIL is not welcome.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 20/05/2025 22:12

DragonRunor · 20/05/2025 21:43

I imagine the restaurant is very full that evening and they can’t possibly squeeze her in ;)

That doesn't work with people like MIL ... they come anyway and cause a scene, still ruining the evening for everyone

TENSsion · 20/05/2025 22:14

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 20/05/2025 21:13

Cancel the meal. Take DC away for the weekend and leave him to his mother.

This is the only way out

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