To not want MIL at birthday meal

[AllGoodNamesRGone]

So, I know I'm going to get slated, but here goes...
My MIL is an absolute nightmare. Narcissistic and just down right rude and nasty to everyone.
It is my DC's significant birthday coming up and we'd arranged a lovely meal out at their choosing. There will be me, DH, my parents, DC and their sibling. Afterwards, the youngest is going back to my parents and me, DH and eldest will go for drinks.
MIL is coming from abroad (only an hour's flight) to visit. Didn't ask, just only asked to see our calendar which my husband obliged to, supposedly so she could fit in somewhere. She saw the date marked for the meal and has basically invited herself.
Previous meals have been torturous. She has commented in a negative way about what my DC are wearing, she swears when something doesn't go her way (imagine tables not quite ready) rude to staff (like almost have young waitresses in tears) and just generally sucks the life out the atmosphere.
My DC doesn't want her there and I've told DH this and that he needs to ask what she wants.
Obviously there are no winners here. She will be upset and angry and my DH will be in the firing line if he tells her she can't come.
At this point I just want to cancel it all because I can't deal with the stress right now.
Lots of background to this as well. I've also been NC with her for years, yet I'm supposed to make pleasantries with her for that night.
I don't know what to say or do.

Totally agree 💯

no need to get into it, just say the table is booked for 6 and we’ve called but they can’t accommodate anymore people. Tell her she can take dc for lunch on another date

But we can’t anticipate her reaction to this. She may well turn up, cause a scene and ruin the meal. I wouldn’t give her the opportunity

I think this is the only solution if your DC doesn’t want them there either. DH made the problem so he needs to fix it.

I wouldn't go for a meal with someone I was NC with in the name of pleasantry, and I certainly wouldn't sit in a restaurant with company abusing the staff or my DC without intervening.

What does the child involved think of this? would they prefer to rebook so as to avoid her? If so that's what I would do - rebook after she's left, tell her we forgot to update the calendar and DC are now celebrating with friends on that day so will be busy for the mostpart.

She sounds similar to my own mother to be honest (who I do not see) but what would have worked best when I did would be to ring her up prior and tell her that if she is to come to the meal we won't be having any of her usual behaviours - rudeness to staff or the dc as it's embarrassing and she has upset people. This would be enough to illicit a full scale tantrum and her declare she isn't coming where she "isn't welcome" (plus how awful we all are etc) - works though.

As an aside, your DP should not be putting his family in this position and should deal with this himself. I never would have done this to my own DP re: my mother.

Usually I’d say to smile and get on with it and put your feelings aside for the rest of the family but if your child also feels a certain way about their Grandmother I’d say it’s not fair for their birthday meal to be ruined with her there.

Your DH needs to put his foot down and tell his mum that you can’t see her on that date and offer her alternatives.

Yes probably, politeness can be a curse at times.

I could genuinely have written this, my MIL is completely the same- the changing of atmosphere, the rudeness to wait staff, the inviting herself. I would happily be no contact but my partner is an only child and she is divorced so it would make things incredibly difficult for him. But she has hugely impacted our relationship and quite honestly ruined or at least put a dampner on every significant milestone or celebration we have had in the past 15 years. I have never asked him to see her less, I understand she's his mum and I would think less of him if he didn't care. But over the years his lack of backbone to stand up to her/put some boundaries in has made me lose respect for him in some ways/ made me feel less of a priority. I think looking back, although I did communicate that I wasn't happy about some of his decisions (eg. Seeing her all day, EVERY Sat and Weds eve as they are 'her days', zero flexibility, can't be switched to another day, doesn't matter if I'm sick or we have something urgent to do around the house) I've allowed things to slip that have really upset me and resentment has built because of that. I think if I were in your situation now I would rearrange the birthday meal to a date when only the people you want there who will truly celebrate with you and who add value to your life are there. And then re. her visiting I'd either go away for the weekend or I'd put up with it to not put my partner in a difficult position. But I would absolutely communicate how much him sharing the calendar has upset you/his lack of boundaries has put you in this position. I have not been communicative enough about this over the years so my partner has chosen to upset me on a regular basis rather than standing up to his mum and upsetting her because it's been easier that way and I've been more forgiving/understanding. But eventually you will become resentful and I now look at this lovely man who has so many wonderful qualities and is so good to me in other ways and question whether I actually want this for the rest of my life. It's really sad.

You do if you have empathy. And you do if you take just a second to put on your big girl pants and face the situation like an adult.

You know why? Because the world doesn't revolve around you. FFS, these are normal parts of life that you need to learn to deal with, instead of blubbering off to the corner, going all nc with the first person who says they don't like your haircut.

YANBU but (as always) it would be helpful to know the DC's ages.

If your husband won't do it, then you need to break the "no contact" and tell her that she is not to turn up and why she is not welcome. Unless you spell it out clearly and precisely the type of behaviour she has exhibited with your family and which has caused an upset, then she is never going to look at herself.
I'd tell her that no way is she attending the meal on this occasion, but if she can behave properly with you and her grandchildren then you would be prepared to let her attend another family meal in the future. She needs to focus her attention on her attitude and behaviour and any reversion to type means no relationship with you or her grandchildren until they are over 18.
Tell her like it is.

This 👆100%

I agree dh sorts it or you move the meal.

I'd go without mil, and dh. He can stay home and entertain her.

or rearrange so it's done before or after she visits.

Is she expecting to stay with you? Hopefully not, as you aren’t on speaking terms. I wouldn’t just switch venues for the meal without telling her, as she’s travelling a long way and it would be mean to let her turn up to a restaurant and your party isn’t there. She sounds horrible, but there’s no need to sink to her level. Your DH needs to be clear with her in advance.

I have some limited sympathy for your DH, having grown up with a mother like this and knowing how the terror persists into adulthood…but he’s fucked up here and he is going to have to find his backbone and sort it out. She’s going to have a shitfit however it’s presented to her, so calm and factual is best - “Mum, you’re not invited to DC’s birthday meal. We’ve had too many bad experiences of eating out with you, and the last time you saw DC you were rude and upset them. I’ll see you at another time, but you won’t be coming to the meal”.

Nah, fuck that. She’s not coming.

The birthday boy/girl doesn’t want her there, if that upsets her, well, she shouldn’t have been a shitbag for years. You fuck around, you find out.

As for your DH in the firing line: that’s not your kid’s problem. Either he mans up or you tell her what’s what.

Because the world doesn't revolve around you.

Perhaps MIL needs to heed that?

I also think it’s mental that you are NC but your DH is getting the sympathy for having to be the messenger. He should have backed you and shut her down when she mentioned inviting herself. He also shouldn’t have messed with your boundaries with her by showing her your (plural) calendar. Wtf!!

Thing is, you can’t face the situation like an adult when the other adult is making staff cry and swearing in restaurants at the slightest thing. You can’t reason with those who have no reason….and that’s also why I wouldn’t be explaining to MIL her past actions meaning she can’t come. Not like she’s going to believe/accept what she’s done. Just a firm “no” will suffice.

I’m familiar with women like this. They’re actually terrifying as they have no shame or remorse. I’d cancel the meal and do it when she’s gone again.

I accidentally pressed you ARE being unreasonable and I meant to press you're NOT. I wouldn't want to attend a meal under those circumstances either, it just defeats the object. I have family that I love and get along with however I find having meals with them difficult as they will also complain loudly, moan about the food, talk rude to staff and argue ongt themselves etc, and I've started to avoid inviting them to family meals. I would most definitely put this back on your dh since he's the one who shared the calender with her and tell him he must uninvite her from the meal. Why should all of you miss out for the sake of one person.

Stop these insane DC phonecalls with her. She abused your DH. She’s abused you to the point of no contact. Now both of you are allowing her to do it to the next generation.

Move it to the night before.

MN is a parallel universe the way parents allow themselves and their children be bullied and controlled by grandparents.

So many children undefended.
Awful.

I think your children will judge you both harshly for not protecting them from this toxic woman particularly as you went NC yourself OP.