To not want MIL at birthday meal

[AllGoodNamesRGone]

So, I know I'm going to get slated, but here goes...
My MIL is an absolute nightmare. Narcissistic and just down right rude and nasty to everyone.
It is my DC's significant birthday coming up and we'd arranged a lovely meal out at their choosing. There will be me, DH, my parents, DC and their sibling. Afterwards, the youngest is going back to my parents and me, DH and eldest will go for drinks.
MIL is coming from abroad (only an hour's flight) to visit. Didn't ask, just only asked to see our calendar which my husband obliged to, supposedly so she could fit in somewhere. She saw the date marked for the meal and has basically invited herself.
Previous meals have been torturous. She has commented in a negative way about what my DC are wearing, she swears when something doesn't go her way (imagine tables not quite ready) rude to staff (like almost have young waitresses in tears) and just generally sucks the life out the atmosphere.
My DC doesn't want her there and I've told DH this and that he needs to ask what she wants.
Obviously there are no winners here. She will be upset and angry and my DH will be in the firing line if he tells her she can't come.
At this point I just want to cancel it all because I can't deal with the stress right now.
Lots of background to this as well. I've also been NC with her for years, yet I'm supposed to make pleasantries with her for that night.
I don't know what to say or do.

Your H says "No mum, of course you can't come to the meal. Allthegoodnanes and you are not on speaking terms, so the atmosphere will be awful for DD. I will do something with you myself the next day"

So your children are forced to speak weekly on the phone to this awful woman ?

Why are you allowing this?
Poor children.

Who cares if your DH is in the firing live? He shouldn't have shared th calendar with his toxic mother. He needs to tell her that she is not invited.

Your poor DC. Your DH has to step up and be blunt and tell his mother she is not invited to the meal because the DC do not want her there due to her behaviour. Yes, he will be in the firing line, tough, his DC comes first.

I voted YABU because your parents will be there. I think that makes it unfair to tell her she can’t come. But I can see why you don’t want her there.

I'd change the restaurant and only tell your DH last minute.

Your DH needs to deal with his relationship with his mother (as you say there's a backstory). MIL shouldn't be allowed to have any toxic influence in your DCs life. You are NC, so have been able to assert your feelings. I would be honest with this woman, otherwise the real reason why she is not invited is not being addressed and her unacceptable behaviour will continue. I think that this is going to take a long while to sort out, but its a start.

There is no way I would cancel the meal and spoil it for everyone else.

Tell the MIL she is not invited due to her previous behaviours.

Her comments most certainly don’t sound like nothing, to a child OR an adult.
Your DH really needs to sort this. Good luck.

Either

Move the dinner a week earlier or later due to "your parents" (make something up).

If she insists on going out pick somewhere local and cheap

OR

Keep and leave your DH at home with his mother.

She sounds awful

No - if it’s a booking for 6 you just tell her that - well, DH tells her that. If she turns up, you turn her away, having told the restaurant in advance that staff are not to offer you a bigger table. I worked as a waitress as a student and I dealt with this more than once. The booker explained there was an insistent relative trying to gatecrash and please don’t offer to move us to a bigger table.

The best present your DC could have would be a re-set of the family dynamic with this bully.
No invitation to the birthday meal.
No coerced weekly phone calls.

Poor DC having to have their birthday cancelled or rearranged because his father doesn’t have backbone enough to tell his mother one simple “no”

I wouldn’t be cancelling anything. MIL is not welcome as it’s DC’s day and DC’s choice. DH can tell MIL that they can do something else another day but this day is already reserved for a meal with your parents and that’s that. I’d also tell DH to stop sharing his entire calendar as it’s not MIL’d business. She can ask when he’s free and he can use his words rather than letting her dictate.

He says “I don’t know what to do” but he does. He just doesn’t want to do it, but this is his mess and DC should not have their birthday ruined or cancelled.

I also wouldn’t be forcing them into any more phone calls. DC is clearly old enough to decide if they want a relationship with this woman and obviously they don’t.

I'd get rid of the 'DC' has to ring her every week. Why when she's horrible to your child and upsets her?

I would just cancel the neal & rearrange it

Move the time and venue and don’t tell dh til nearer the time

in this case I would take charge, I’d phone mil and tell her that she isn’t welcome at the dinner as the children have requested who attend and since she can’t be polite to you or anyone else she has to stay away.

i certainly wouldn’t be forcing my children to speak to her on the phone either,

I am going to play Devil’s Advocate for a second to say that if your parents are going, you can see why she might expect a seat at the table. She won’t know it’s about her behaviour until someone actually stands up to her and tells her.

Will there be another phone call before she comes to the meal? DH needs to tell her, without apology, that the meal was arranged before she planned her visit and no changes will/can be made. Maybe he could practice the conversation with you first.

If she kicks off about it so much the better, it will make it easier to stick to the line. Maybe she won’t come at all.

"Obviously there are no winners here. She will be upset and angry and my DH will be in the firing line if he tells her she can't come."
It is time for your husband to decide which role in life is his priority - 'father', or 'son'. And I'd be disgusted by any man who chooses to be his mother's son first, and his children's father last.

"DH and DC have to call every weekend"
No, they don't HAVE to. Your husband can CHOOSE to call his mother. And on that call he can tell her that the DC will no longer be calling because she was so unpleasant to them.

I expect he will roll out the 'having a relationship with grandparents is so important' excuse. The grandparent-grandchild relationship is only important if it is loving and nurturing. If it is abusive - and this one is - then it is important to protect the grandchildren from the abusive grandmother. As a father he should be protecting his children, not forcing them into the line of fire. Him being a prisoner of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt; due to being brought up by an abusive parent) does not excuse him from protecting his children. You are not in FOG, you are no-contact with her, so you must step up and step in and end these commanded calls. Protect your children.

If she's going to turn up regardless, it might be a good idea to change your plans. Have the meal a week early, or as has been suggested go away for the weekend and have a special meal in a special place.

Just an aside: you mentioned that this is a significant birthday. What kind of age are we talking here? Is it time that the children were trusted with some autonomy over whether they want to contact their dad's mum or not?

Echo others why on earth would your dh share his calender with such a pita.

Rearrange the dinner if you can't cancel her and fgs stop forcing your dc to partake in weekly phone calls. They can message her occasionally like every other dgc does.

My threepenceworth... 1) Change the location of meal and DO NOT even tell DH until the evening, he's a moron who can't be trusted not to blab to mummy 2) DH has to tell MIL plans have changed to what DC wants 3) start coaching your dc in ways of handling rude people and comments, skills for the future as they'll be needed as long as people like her get kicks out of putting others down. Good luck!

Exactly. She repeatedly gets away with murder, and ruins things, cos no one gives her a bollocking.

Yet, everyone keeps quiet to keep the peace, well fuck that.
She doesn’t mind upsetting everyone else in the room, so, she can have a taste of her own medicine.

Since the OP’s husband isn’t man enough to speak to his mother about her behaviour, then i would be dropping some truth bombs.

Given your latest update, OP, you give your DH a deadline to fix it: say 24 hours.

Otherwise you are going to call and tell her not to come as she is not invited. Tell her why, and that if she doesn't change her behaviours, there will be no more calls from DC until she learns to speak to them like human beings.

And strong words with DH about asking DC if they want Supergran to attend anything or not before involving his mother

Does your dh want his mum at his dc's birthday party?

If he does, that is ok, but he needs to man up and manage his mum.

You have a dh problem, not a MIL problem.

DH puts the wishes of his child first and tells her she can't come. How did this even happen if you're no contact?