To not want MIL at birthday meal

[AllGoodNamesRGone]

So, I know I'm going to get slated, but here goes...
My MIL is an absolute nightmare. Narcissistic and just down right rude and nasty to everyone.
It is my DC's significant birthday coming up and we'd arranged a lovely meal out at their choosing. There will be me, DH, my parents, DC and their sibling. Afterwards, the youngest is going back to my parents and me, DH and eldest will go for drinks.
MIL is coming from abroad (only an hour's flight) to visit. Didn't ask, just only asked to see our calendar which my husband obliged to, supposedly so she could fit in somewhere. She saw the date marked for the meal and has basically invited herself.
Previous meals have been torturous. She has commented in a negative way about what my DC are wearing, she swears when something doesn't go her way (imagine tables not quite ready) rude to staff (like almost have young waitresses in tears) and just generally sucks the life out the atmosphere.
My DC doesn't want her there and I've told DH this and that he needs to ask what she wants.
Obviously there are no winners here. She will be upset and angry and my DH will be in the firing line if he tells her she can't come.
At this point I just want to cancel it all because I can't deal with the stress right now.
Lots of background to this as well. I've also been NC with her for years, yet I'm supposed to make pleasantries with her for that night.
I don't know what to say or do.

@AllGoodNamesRGone What's done is done, so just rearrange the meal for another time when she is NOT there.

If your DC doesn't want her there, then she doesn't come.

As for her comments, it's a good life lesson for your kids that some people are just nasty, and rather than getting upset about it, you just need to learn to deal with them e.g. either ignore them, or politely say "that's not very kind" and then ignore them. And if they still won't stop, then just retaliate and play them at their own game! 😂

Your DH mucked up by inviting her and by allowing his MIL to upset his DCs on a regular basis. Move the bday to the previous or next weekend (lie and say the venue had to shift it). If MIL complains, tell her you assumed she wouldn't care because she said she isn't bringing a present for DC.

I would suggest that you all go NC. Your lives would be so much happier. Let her fester in her miserable pit.

Yes another saying this is DHs problem. She isn't allowed to come

Why did he share the calendar @AllGoodNamesRGone ? He must have known she would invite herself for the meal, so did he want this to happen? Then he could get her there without inviting her and just say there is nothing he can do about it now. Or is he just stupid?

I think i’d be sending text saying, “There seems to have been a misunderstanding. Husband shared the calendar so you could choose we are free but you seem to have booked to come over when we have plans. We’re not available that day but husband can arrange to visit with you the day after if you cant change your flights.”

If she comes back and says that she’ll come to the dinner then just, “We’ve already got the dinner planned so that won’t be possible. Husband will see you the following day.”

Why do people insist on being nice and polite when dealing with someone who is a dickhead?

How long is she staying for. I’d cancel until she’s gone home then rearrange but don’t tell your DH that you’ve rearranged until she’s gone in case he feels obligated to tell her or it accidentally slips out.

Your updates are so awful, OP. She's abusive.

Would you or DH put up with this kind of treatment of your DC from anyone else? MIL doesn't get a free pass because she is related. If anything that's even more of a reason to call her out.

I wouldn't be letting her within a mile of my DC. And being sworn at on the phone like that would have made it last call. Let your DH do the calls and fly over to visit her instead.

And definitely keep her away from the special birthday.

, absolutely this. And stick to it.

This is on your DH but he was raised by this woman and I imagine that was not much fun and he is still terrified of her. Maybe you should acknowledge how difficult this is for him but he's an adult now and has autonomy so should start practicing saying no to her. On the phone call front you need to step up and tell your kids they don't have to do this anymore. If this is a significant birthday for your DC I am assuming they are late teens especially as you mention going for drinks which makes the weekly phone call even weirder.

Does she know where the dinner is being held ? If she does she may try and turn up anyway.

If she does I would cancel it or change locations.

Tell her it's moved, before. And have another with her only, DC and DH. Make it a lunch. A quick lunch. Then have the dinner as is, without stress.

MILs can be a nightmare but she's still DC's grandmother and maybe just this once it would be nice to include her?

Unfortunately narcissists never change. I’d book another restaurant and time, like someone else has suggested and don’t tell your husband until he gets rid of his vile mother.

Not it isn't.

The actual way is to tell this horrendous woman that she can't come over, and she definitely can't come to any birthday celebrations due to her horrible attitude and behaviour.

The worse that could happen is that the rest of the family go NC, and this sounds like it will be a blessed relief to your DC.

Your DH needs to prioritise his children and wife; if he wants to see his mother he can fly over there and do so.

He needs to warn her that ' just turning up' will not be tolerated.

It doesn't matter that she's a blood relation, life isn't an episode of Eastenders where ' faaaaamilee' is everything no matter how evil they are.

You don't let horrible people in to your life, full stop.

Your H tells her the meal is off, (cos child has other plans....whatever)
MIL may reschedule ? if not move the meal forward to the day before she comes, & tell her there was a change of plan

I wouldn’t be doing any kind of subterfuge because of her.
She needs to hear the unvarnished truth, for a change.
She’s a pita, and spoils things, so she’s not welcome.

I’m not a fan of confrontation, but like fuck would i let her spoil my kid’s special birthday dinner.

And also, she’ll not a nice grandmother to the children.

She’s nasty, judgemental and always passes uncalled for remarks.

And also, she’ll not a nice grandmother to the children.

She’s nasty, judgemental and always passes uncalled for remarks.

This. DH to tell her plans have changed and you are going away for the weekend, and no birthday meal. Then at the last minute, you change back.If you are NC, she doesn't need to know!

So OP's MIL needs to be invited no matter how rude she is and how unkind she is to OP's children? You think that MIL's actions should never have consequences? That attitude teaches children a dreadful lesson. I assume that OP's parents are invited because they are helpful and supportive and show their grandchildren love and affection and the birthday child actually wants them there.

Yes, it's really unfair to have to cancel plans which have been presumably made for the date of the actual birthday. But it can be made special in other ways and can be celebrated at a later date with the GP's [or they could also go for the weekend]

By the sound of the evil old bat she is going to crash the meal regardless. She's booked her flights and it is highly unlikely she isn't going to dig in and simply arrive. She is also going to turn up at the house and make the weekend miserable for all concerned. Far better for the OP and the birthday child to simply reset the relationship by simply f**king off in my honest opinion.

As for the DH, sounds like he has been bullied all his life and is unlikely to stand up to her now. The consequence is that he misses his own child's special birthday but life will go on and perhaps it will make him consider his own family in the future.

In OP's shoes I'd call MIL direct myself to tell her she is not welcome on the strict understanding that under no circumstances does her DH imply otherwise.

If he won't handle the situation and tell her she's not welcome, I would arrange to go away for the weekend and your DH can choose if he's coming with you, or staying behind with his mother. You will need to hold his feet to the fire for this, don't collude with this nonsense any more, show your children how you deal with bullies.

No more forced weekly phonecalls to people who shout at them either, what's that teaching your DC?

What if she just shows up knowing the venue and time?

First job: DH must dissuade his mother from wasting her time, money, and effort to come over, because you're all going out and there's no room for her!

Second: Give your DC a choice of even nicer venue place and arrange to go there, without telling your husband. He can't be trusted, so you and DC are the only ones to know! Tell him what to wear, and what time to be ready, but beyond that, nothing. If she does show up at your house, get DH to order a taxi to take her to a hotel and leave her there!

I'd not want her there she sounds unpleasant lady just arrange a weekend away tell her it's off the meal last min? Or just tell her no!

Please don't allow your DH to address this with MIL on the next weekend call. He needs to do it privately and not when the DC are present so that they don't get drawn into it and get upset.

He maybe needs to tell a white lie and not mention your parents will be there and say that the specific meal date is not an option as you want to do something private as a family of four. If she moans then he needs to be firm and say it's not up for discussion and what other date would she be available. Please say she won't be staying at yours when she visits?

As an aside, if MIL can't refrain from being rude or aggressive to DCs on the weekly call then don't make them attend. At the very least your DH should have challenged his mother on her behaviour and not allowed her to be so horrible to your DC.