To not want MIL at birthday meal

[AllGoodNamesRGone]

So, I know I'm going to get slated, but here goes...
My MIL is an absolute nightmare. Narcissistic and just down right rude and nasty to everyone.
It is my DC's significant birthday coming up and we'd arranged a lovely meal out at their choosing. There will be me, DH, my parents, DC and their sibling. Afterwards, the youngest is going back to my parents and me, DH and eldest will go for drinks.
MIL is coming from abroad (only an hour's flight) to visit. Didn't ask, just only asked to see our calendar which my husband obliged to, supposedly so she could fit in somewhere. She saw the date marked for the meal and has basically invited herself.
Previous meals have been torturous. She has commented in a negative way about what my DC are wearing, she swears when something doesn't go her way (imagine tables not quite ready) rude to staff (like almost have young waitresses in tears) and just generally sucks the life out the atmosphere.
My DC doesn't want her there and I've told DH this and that he needs to ask what she wants.
Obviously there are no winners here. She will be upset and angry and my DH will be in the firing line if he tells her she can't come.
At this point I just want to cancel it all because I can't deal with the stress right now.
Lots of background to this as well. I've also been NC with her for years, yet I'm supposed to make pleasantries with her for that night.
I don't know what to say or do.

Nightmare op hate difficult family. In future make sure her son keeps info vague. My mother is type to ring up hotels am I there... Devious. I tell family little now

he doesn't seem too bothered about upsetting you!!

DH exactly knew what he was doing so he can have the angry mum of his 👍🏼

go early, don’t keep the venue if she knows, don’t come back till the end of the day, don’t say to your hubby the change of venue until you are going there. Sad day for your relationship but you might have the day you wanted.

I totally get why he wants his mum there…the story of loads of men…the mum isn’t so nice or it just doesn’t work with wife and suddenly she is out. All is all, if she hasn’t been welcoming to you, you don’t owe her to be welcoming … you can be what you want and she doesn’t get a word in it 👏🏼

If DH can't persuade her not to come rearrange the dinner - better to have one pissed of MIL than a whole pissed off family.

Oh, this!! 😂

Cancel the meal!, tell your husband to get a backbone and tell his mother she's not invited you've planned this as a family, if she's insistent on coming after telling her plans have changed, then plan a short break if you have the means so your not home. If your no contact pretty much then it shouldn't matter, and she made the decision to not listen to your request so it's on her. Xxx

I don't think there will be any peace if they allow her to come, so definitely a no go!

No you don't invite yourself to stay and you don't invite yourself to a meal-even if you are related.
You should also tell your husband to stop offering information-he must be awre their is conflict he will have to be less "helpful" in future.

Is your DH scared of his mum? She sounds a bully.

OP, you have my sympathies but, in response to your latest post:

1. you don’t want to upset your DH - well, he’s happy to upset you and his children.*
2. Your DC do this to some extent to keep your DH happy…arguably, it’s history repeating because you can bet he goes along with your MIL’s crap to keep her happy*

I really agree with this. It's not OK to let anyone swear and sneer at your children. DH cares more about his rude mother than about upsetting you/his children and now even your children are dealing with someone they dislike every week to 'keep their dad happy'.

I know we all have to do things we'd rather not in life, but there is a line and your MIL has crossed it many times.

Also really crucial to role model to children that they don't have to tolerate poor behaviour in life, especially from those who might claim to love them. 😥

If the woman is a narcissist that will achieve nothing, it is like trying to reason with the terminator. The only way to deal with a narcissist is kick them out of your life, no contact, they are emotional wrecking machines and will never change.

You say you don’t want to upset your oh but his mum is upsetting you and your dc and is already spoiling the day before it’s arrived tell your dh it’s not happening and change the venue and tell him on the night he’s scared of his awful mother just say it’s his dc or mother but she’s not ruining his 18th birthday you need to put dc first as you previously have done he should be ashamed to let his own mother speak to his dc like this. She is a bitch.

My mother is a narcissist and she ruined countless special moments with my DC until I went NC. It is my biggest life regret for allowing her to intrude on such precious moments and make them negative and all about her.

You say you are worried about being a horrible DIL, but is your MIL worried about her behaviour or how she treats you or her DGC? No.

DH never should have shared the calendar. That's really intrusive and he hopefully he has learned his lesson going forward with better boundaries.

The bottom line is that this is your DC's special birthday. You should not have to cancel or rearrange plans and you should not have to let it be ruined by someone who will not behave themselves. DC's feelings trump your MIL's, especially as she doesn't take anyone else's feelings into consideration but her own.

If DC wants to see her grandmother, she and your DH can meet up with your MIL for lunch another day.

Need to add that if DH is afraid of upsetting his mother, that's on him. For your DC to then go along with this to please your DH is a generational pattern you need to break, as this will not just ruin her special birthday, but could set her up for a life of people pleasing and putting her needs last.

Let her know that HER needs matter, and so do her wants and wishes.

Love should not require self-abandonment.

Your DC should not have to put your DH feelings before her own. Your DH is supposed to be an adult, so he should put his DC needs before his own, and not allow your MIL to be emotionally abusive to your DC. The woman sounds like a narcissist and she definitely won’t change, especially as your DH is allowing her to behave however she likes. Remember you get what you put up with.

Make the meal with her a trial run with just you and dh and dc, at a less fancy place, then have the real celebration a different day

I had a grandmother like this moved in with us, because after her husband died she "couldn't possibly be on her own" during the day when her other DD (who lived with her) was at work.

She was nasty and bitter, she glared at me every time I walked into a room and made my life a misery from 5 to 14 when she died. I was told to put up with it to save my dad from having to man up and upset his wife by dealing with his horrible MIL.

Please don't make your DC talk to her on the phone at weekends. In fact use that last conversation as a reason she is now no contact with her DGC until they decide differently. Your DH may have to stay enchained to the fear she instilled in him, until he finds a way to free himself, but you and DC are free of it.

You aren’t required to entertain this woman. If you’re no contact with her then there is no relationship to preserve. Tell her the truth, that she’s an obnoxious rude cow and nobody wants her there and your husband will set up something with her separately.

In the future maybe a conversation needs to be had with your husband about sharing and boundaries with her.

Change the restaurant and not tell her. She's making one heck of an embarrassment of herself once she comes to the restaurant ^^

This crazy woman would phone up the restaurant and go mad, or just turn up anyway and cause a massive scene.

If she's been allowed to behave this way at family events with no one reacting negatively before then you'll get a lot of pushback the first time you do it. You'll have to be very blunt and have low expectations of her reaction.

I wouldn't let anyone talk about my mum like that. You'd be out the door

You’ve probably got a good mum. A lot of people done. I mean, there are a lot of shitty people in the world so statistically, some of them are someone’s mum. If you have a shitty mum, you usually know it and you’d be OK with your partner saying so.

Well clearly your Mum isn't a horrendous human being, lucky you

@AllGoodNamesRGone How did it go?