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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL at birthday meal

179 replies

AllGoodNamesRGone · 20/05/2025 21:09

So, I know I'm going to get slated, but here goes...
My MIL is an absolute nightmare. Narcissistic and just down right rude and nasty to everyone.
It is my DC's significant birthday coming up and we'd arranged a lovely meal out at their choosing. There will be me, DH, my parents, DC and their sibling. Afterwards, the youngest is going back to my parents and me, DH and eldest will go for drinks.
MIL is coming from abroad (only an hour's flight) to visit. Didn't ask, just only asked to see our calendar which my husband obliged to, supposedly so she could fit in somewhere. She saw the date marked for the meal and has basically invited herself.
Previous meals have been torturous. She has commented in a negative way about what my DC are wearing, she swears when something doesn't go her way (imagine tables not quite ready) rude to staff (like almost have young waitresses in tears) and just generally sucks the life out the atmosphere.
My DC doesn't want her there and I've told DH this and that he needs to ask what she wants.
Obviously there are no winners here. She will be upset and angry and my DH will be in the firing line if he tells her she can't come.
At this point I just want to cancel it all because I can't deal with the stress right now.
Lots of background to this as well. I've also been NC with her for years, yet I'm supposed to make pleasantries with her for that night.
I don't know what to say or do.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 20/05/2025 22:25

Tell MIL meal is cancelled. Either cancel it or have it as planned once she’s gone home.

Tell DH to sort himself out.

Fruitbat99 · 20/05/2025 22:30

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 20/05/2025 21:13

Cancel the meal. Take DC away for the weekend and leave him to his mother.

Why shouldnthe DC miss out and have their meal changed

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/05/2025 22:34

I would suggest he sends this

"I see you are coming that weekend, just to let you know that we are busy on the Saturday as DD wants us to take her to a certain place for her birthday, just us. So dont make any plans to join us as it has already been arranged the way DD has requested and we wont be changing it."

No ambiguity, no apology, just facts.

She will go INSANE, but so the hell what?

jetlag92 · 20/05/2025 22:42

Is she coming from Spain?

Original poster
AllGoodNamesRGone · 20/05/2025 22:49

Thank you all so much for the replies. I'm going to have a proper read of them all and a chat with DH then I'll update.
I did honestly think I was going to be roasted posting this though, so I am really thankful for all the honest replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllGoodNamesRGone · 21/05/2025 06:26

jetlag92 · 20/05/2025 22:42

Is she coming from Spain?

No, NI so I guess not really abroad. I just wanted to put it out there that she is traveling a distance to visit.
However, the last time she came was two years ago. She has form for coming when we've already made plans. Which I find bizarre. In the past it has been things like the DC have had dance exams or football, things we can't rearrange and she'll just say 'its OK I'll just fit in around' which has always caused pressure on us.

OP posts:
Bettyfromlondon · 21/05/2025 06:38

Is she expecting to stay at your house?

Original poster
AllGoodNamesRGone · 21/05/2025 06:44

I spoke to my DH and all he has said is that 'I don't know how I'm going to handle this'. I just said, you caused this so you need to sort it. Otherwise I'm rearranging to another date.

The last time the DC saw her, MIL looked them up and down and said 'wasn't told we were coming out in pyjamas' which DC got really upset over. They struggle with confrontation so said nothing. I was not there, if I had been I certainly would have said something!

They spoke on the phone at the weekend (DH and DC have to call every weekend). DC heard a noise in the house which made her laugh - this apparently angered MIL who demanded to know what was so funny, DC said 'oh, nothing it was just...' before they got their words out she started shouting at them saying 'don't be taking the p!** out of me, I won't get you a birthday present!' Again, doesn't sound much to an adult, but to DC it clearly upset them and was not afforded the opportunity to explain.

This is the type of comments etc that I can't be doing with on what should be a special evening.

Anyway, we will see what happens when they have their weekend phonecall.

But, again, thank you for all the replies. I just needed an outside perspective.

OP posts:
TheAutumnCrow · 21/05/2025 06:55

I wouldn’t be making my kids call her every weekend either.

JustMyView13 · 21/05/2025 06:58

In a scenario where this goes ahead, someone needs to call her out on her behaviour as it happens. I appreciate that doesn’t make for a pleasant environment, but the only reason she behaves in that way, is because everyone around her is accepting of it.
That said, this is a DH problem to manage.
Option 3, change the venue and don’t tell her 😬

Communitywebbing · 21/05/2025 07:00

OP did you really think you’d get ‘roasted’ on here for not wanting your MIL to ruin DC’s birthday? It’s true that DH caused the problem and should sort it, but if he doesn’t, you can and must sort it yourself. It only takes an email saying ‘Sorry change of plan, DC now has other plans for the birthday.’ Then to be sure, change the venue. It isn’t as complicated and sensitive as you are making it, just something that needs doing.
Oh, and tell nobody the new plan except those attending. And for heaven’s sake stop the weekly phone calls. Why should DC have to keep phoning someone so rude?

Shinyandnew1 · 21/05/2025 07:03

which my husband obliged to, supposedly so she could fit in somewhere.

What was he thinking here?! This is on him and needs him to sort it out.

TorroFerney · 21/05/2025 07:20

I can see why he won’t tackle it, she must have been bloody terrifying as a child and he’s probably still petrified of her.

im not making excuses for him, he needs to “do the work” and recognise what he’s doing. Agree about the phone calls though, he shouldn’t be making a child join these but he won’t be able to countenance that he could just stop the calls, it just won’t occur to him.

she does need an adult to stand up to her but that often doesn’t happen, people work round difficult people.

TorroFerney · 21/05/2025 07:22

Communitywebbing · 21/05/2025 07:00

OP did you really think you’d get ‘roasted’ on here for not wanting your MIL to ruin DC’s birthday? It’s true that DH caused the problem and should sort it, but if he doesn’t, you can and must sort it yourself. It only takes an email saying ‘Sorry change of plan, DC now has other plans for the birthday.’ Then to be sure, change the venue. It isn’t as complicated and sensitive as you are making it, just something that needs doing.
Oh, and tell nobody the new plan except those attending. And for heaven’s sake stop the weekly phone calls. Why should DC have to keep phoning someone so rude?

Edited

You’d be surprised. There’s always someone who pipes up that their mother has just dropped dead and they’d give anything to have her back and so you should allow her at this meal as your husband needs to spend all the time he can with her as he doesn’t know how long she’ll have left. Bonkers.

Clearinguptheclutter · 21/05/2025 07:27

Your dh has to grow a backbone and explain to her that she needs to cancel her plans

that’s pretty much it

Canibebovered · 21/05/2025 07:29

On the morning cancel and get DH to lie that you are all struck down with norovirus (having re arranged and ideally been and celebrated the night before so it not something coming up).

not great to lie but sometimes it’s easier and make sure DH doesn’t do it again.

Communitywebbing · 21/05/2025 07:29

Always possible, but this is straightforward. OP can see that this woman is upsetting and insulting her DC and even if her DH is too downtrodden to protest, OP has the measure of her and needs to take action. I hope she does.

TeeBee · 21/05/2025 07:36

I suggest he tells her she’s not invited because she has been unpleasant on previous occasions and give her examples. Tell her there is not a place for her and people don’t want t her there. If she gets upset, so be it. She needs to start reflecting on her behaviour.

nomas · 21/05/2025 07:39

Why on earth did DH show her the calendar? Is he an idiot or enmeshed?

GAJLY · 21/05/2025 07:41

Your husband needs to stop sharing his calendar, and talk to mil about coming on another date, as it's too chaotic right now.

JSMill · 21/05/2025 07:42

Imagine being so awful, your dgc don’t want you at their birthday meal. You need to put your foot down and tell her no.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 21/05/2025 07:45

I'd go with the norovirus suggestion, but don't cancel the dinner. Just tell MIL that you're all sick, not going out and can't see her that night.

Then go ahead with the plans as normal.

Of course, this will only work if she's not staying with you and she doesn't know where the meal is taking place.

Dearg · 21/05/2025 07:48

Your DH doesn’t need to lie. He just needs to man-up and tell her that she’s not welcome at this event, because of her past behaviour.

If he must he can arrange a different time when he , and anyone else who wants to, can go and visit her.

Sorry Op, she sounds vile.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/05/2025 07:51

I think this one is easy, tell her the restaurant don’t have space to add anyone else on, so you will do something with them a different day.

RunningJo · 21/05/2025 07:53

You are not being unreasonable OP, your DH needs to stand up for his family and tell her she can’t come as you’re busy.
I also wouldn’t have your DC calling every week either.

Perhaps tell MIL that it’s not actually a meal, but sky diving/tight rope walking/ cliff jumping/ or swimming with sharks, so will book her in 😉.

Seriously though, you sound as if your have your DC’s back, so don’t let her spoilt the birthday. Don’t change plans.
I would be emailing or texting to say DH has just told me you plan to come over, sorry but it doesn’t work for us, we won’t be around so will have to plan another time. Yes he should absolutely be sorting it, but I’d step in this time to avoid spoiling the birthday plans.

Hope your DC have a fabulous birthday