Page 6 | To not want MIL at birthday meal

AllGoodNamesRGone · 2025-05-20T20:09:23+00:00

So, I know I'm going to get slated, but here goes... My MIL is an absolute nightmare. Narcissistic and just down right rude and nasty to everyone. It is my DC's significant birthday coming up and we'd arranged a lovely meal out at their choosing. There will be me, DH, my parents, DC and their sibling. Afterwards, the youngest is going back to my parents and me, DH and eldest will go for drinks. MIL is coming from abroad (only an hour's flight) to visit. Didn't ask, just only asked to see our calendar which my husband obliged to, supposedly so she could fit in somewhere. She saw the date marked for the meal and has basically invited herself. Previous meals have been torturous. She has commented in a negative way about what my DC are wearing, she swears when something doesn't go her way (imagine tables not quite ready) rude to staff (like almost have young waitresses in tears) and just generally sucks the life out the atmosphere. My DC doesn't want her there and I've told DH this and that he needs to ask what she wants. Obviously there are no winners here. She will be upset and angry and my DH will be in the firing line if he tells her she can't come. At this point I just want to cancel it all because I can't deal with the stress right now. Lots of background to this as well. I've also been NC with her for years, yet I'm supposed to make pleasantries with her for that night. I don't know what to say or do.

ButteredRadish · 21/05/2025 14:10

Why are you both putting this woman (and her demands) before your DC?

ButteredRadish · 21/05/2025 14:12

@Pickingdates Exactly. It’s ok for OP to decide not to expose herself to this woman’s abusive behaviour but the DC are fair game 👍🏻🙄

AuntieAunt · 21/05/2025 14:40

MIL is extremely similar. She loves a power trip especially when she believes she owns those providing her a service. Loves sending food back, complaining about her table and feels a real sense of achievement when she gets a discount off the bill. I find myself shielding my face out of pure embarrassment.

Maybe move the meal to the night before and you DC go out with a few pals bowling or something.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/05/2025 14:59

abs12 · 21/05/2025 11:59

You do if you have empathy. And you do if you take just a second to put on your big girl pants and face the situation like an adult.

You know why? Because the world doesn't revolve around you. FFS, these are normal parts of life that you need to learn to deal with, instead of blubbering off to the corner, going all nc with the first person who says they don't like your haircut.

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Surely the criticism that 'the world doesn't revolve around you' is much more appropriate for OP's MIL than OP?

Going nc seems a perfectly reasonable response for dealing with a toxic person like OP's MIL.

Original poster

AllGoodNamesRGone · 21/05/2025 16:58

Bettyfromlondon · 21/05/2025 06:38

Is she expecting to stay at your house?

No, she normally stays in a hotel.

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Original poster

AllGoodNamesRGone · 21/05/2025 17:03

Communitywebbing · 21/05/2025 07:00

OP did you really think you’d get ‘roasted’ on here for not wanting your MIL to ruin DC’s birthday? It’s true that DH caused the problem and should sort it, but if he doesn’t, you can and must sort it yourself. It only takes an email saying ‘Sorry change of plan, DC now has other plans for the birthday.’ Then to be sure, change the venue. It isn’t as complicated and sensitive as you are making it, just something that needs doing.
Oh, and tell nobody the new plan except those attending. And for heaven’s sake stop the weekly phone calls. Why should DC have to keep phoning someone so rude?

Edited

Thank you. I just didn't want to be seen as that 'horrible DIL'. I really did try with this woman quite early on when the DC were little. But she has just got worse over the years. I'm to old now to be dealing someone so narcissistic and unpleasant. I certainly wouldn't if they were not family. She cut me out many years ago, even to the point of not putting my name in Christmas cards. The DC have seen this growing up and despite me never bad mouthing her once in front of them, they have made their own minds up about her now and just don't like her as a person.

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Original poster

AllGoodNamesRGone · 21/05/2025 17:13

Macaroni46 · 21/05/2025 08:17

I voted YABU because your parents will be there. I think that makes it unfair to tell her she can’t come. But I can see why you don’t want her there.

The reasons my parents are coming is because they are taking the youngest home with them after. I couldn't really not invite them but then expect them to pick them up after. I see what you are saying though. But my DC absolutely adore my parents. They are always very pleasant with people when out. My dad has been really unwell lately and he was really looking forward to this.
MIL planned to come on a weekend she knew we were busy. She could have come the weekend before or after but no, she will come when we are busy. She has form for this and never consults what is best for us.

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Original poster

AllGoodNamesRGone · 21/05/2025 17:16

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/05/2025 08:47

"Obviously there are no winners here. She will be upset and angry and my DH will be in the firing line if he tells her she can't come."
It is time for your husband to decide which role in life is his priority - 'father', or 'son'. And I'd be disgusted by any man who chooses to be his mother's son first, and his children's father last.

"DH and DC have to call every weekend"
No, they don't HAVE to. Your husband can CHOOSE to call his mother. And on that call he can tell her that the DC will no longer be calling because she was so unpleasant to them.

I expect he will roll out the 'having a relationship with grandparents is so important' excuse. The grandparent-grandchild relationship is only important if it is loving and nurturing. If it is abusive - and this one is - then it is important to protect the grandchildren from the abusive grandmother. As a father he should be protecting his children, not forcing them into the line of fire. Him being a prisoner of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt; due to being brought up by an abusive parent) does not excuse him from protecting his children. You are not in FOG, you are no-contact with her, so you must step up and step in and end these commanded calls. Protect your children.

If she's going to turn up regardless, it might be a good idea to change your plans. Have the meal a week early, or as has been suggested go away for the weekend and have a special meal in a special place.

Just an aside: you mentioned that this is a significant birthday. What kind of age are we talking here? Is it time that the children were trusted with some autonomy over whether they want to contact their dad's mum or not?

It is an 18th

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Cherrysoup · 21/05/2025 17:27

Don’t let your dc’s 18th be tainted by the mil’s shit behaviour. Yet another bloke who’d rather upset his family/dw than his mother! Unbelievable!

Original poster

AllGoodNamesRGone · 21/05/2025 17:28

Orangemintcream · 21/05/2025 10:02

Does she know where the dinner is being held ? If she does she may try and turn up anyway.

If she does I would cancel it or change locations.

I honestly don't know but will ask hubby that tonight

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CeeceeBloomingdale · 21/05/2025 17:34

If he really can't tell her the truth about her behaviour (although be really should) could he not say it's your parents treat to you all and that's why she isn't invited?

whistlesandbells · 21/05/2025 17:56

Do you have a shared online household calendar that your DH shared? I would be livid if he gave online access to all my activities and plans without my permission.

andthat · 21/05/2025 18:00

If you she has previous for this sort of behaviour, why did your DH share your family calendar with her?

three options.

you suck it up and she still comes
she still visits but you change the date of the celebration
your DH tells her that she can’t come.

Of those, option 2 will cause least drama for most people.

Original poster

AllGoodNamesRGone · 21/05/2025 18:10

whistlesandbells · 21/05/2025 17:56

Do you have a shared online household calendar that your DH shared? I would be livid if he gave online access to all my activities and plans without my permission.

He took a screenshot and sent her that

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whistlesandbells · 21/05/2025 18:18

I think that is bang out of order! Even the screenshot - simply too lazy to organize the visit carefully and thoughtfully. Horrible lack of boundaries between DH and his mother to do this.

Autumnnow · 21/05/2025 18:19

Macaroni46 · 21/05/2025 08:17

I voted YABU because your parents will be there. I think that makes it unfair to tell her she can’t come. But I can see why you don’t want her there.

That would be fair comment if she was a reasonably pleasant human, or could be trusted to behave herself. Sadly history has shown this is completely unlikely. I don't buy this "family" transcends everything business. If she were to show kindness and respect, she would in turn, deserve to be included.

Original poster

AllGoodNamesRGone · 21/05/2025 18:21

ButteredRadish · 21/05/2025 14:12

@Pickingdates Exactly. It’s ok for OP to decide not to expose herself to this woman’s abusive behaviour but the DC are fair game 👍🏻🙄

Edited

I have told her outright in the past that I didn't like her tone, how she speaks to them. I stick up for them.
My DH is the one who can't say no to her. The DC see her only very occasionally and it is normally just a quick lunch, meet up for the afternoon. They are not fair game but you don't know my family dynamics. MIL is my hubby's only family on his side and maybe feels obligated towards her. The children already know their own minds and have told them to say if they don't want to speak to her. They do it to keep dad happy, they've told me this. Youngest DC once did not speak to her for 2 months after something she said.
We are not fully exposed to her other than the weekly phone calls. But agree with everyone who has said I should put my foot down and stop these as well.
I obviously need to get a backbone myself. Just very difficult when you don't want to upset your other half.

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allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 21/05/2025 18:35

AllGoodNamesRGone · 21/05/2025 17:13

The reasons my parents are coming is because they are taking the youngest home with them after. I couldn't really not invite them but then expect them to pick them up after. I see what you are saying though. But my DC absolutely adore my parents. They are always very pleasant with people when out. My dad has been really unwell lately and he was really looking forward to this.
MIL planned to come on a weekend she knew we were busy. She could have come the weekend before or after but no, she will come when we are busy. She has form for this and never consults what is best for us.

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@AllGoodNamesRGone to be honest, your dh was the one who was stupid enough to let her see his calendar!!! his calendar is none of her business so why would he do that and why the hell is he putting up with her??? and your kids dont like her either so why are they meeting up with her?? rather two faced!

Epli · 21/05/2025 18:35

AllGoodNamesRGone · 21/05/2025 17:13

The reasons my parents are coming is because they are taking the youngest home with them after. I couldn't really not invite them but then expect them to pick them up after. I see what you are saying though. But my DC absolutely adore my parents. They are always very pleasant with people when out. My dad has been really unwell lately and he was really looking forward to this.
MIL planned to come on a weekend she knew we were busy. She could have come the weekend before or after but no, she will come when we are busy. She has form for this and never consults what is best for us.

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You need to stop letting her pick the time and instead start telling her when she can visit (although I appreciate you'd rather not give any date ;)).

GooseAttack · 21/05/2025 18:35

CeeceeBloomingdale · 21/05/2025 17:34

If he really can't tell her the truth about her behaviour (although be really should) could he not say it's your parents treat to you all and that's why she isn't invited?

Yes, this. Say your parents are taking you all out to celebrate, particularly as your dad has been ill. Perhaps she’d like to take you all out another time - shall DH book us all a table the following night? She might backtrack if it’s clear she can’t muscle in but will be hosting a meal out for everyone.

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 21/05/2025 18:36

OP, you have my sympathies but, in response to your latest post:

you don’t want to upset your DH - well, he’s happy to upset you and his children.
Your DC do this to some extent to keep your DH happy…arguably, it’s history repeating because you can bet he goes along with your MIL’s crap to keep her happy.

I went through similar with my DH (narc parents and him not seeing how damaging they were) and it was probably 2.5 years of arguing (we only ever argued about them), but it can get better! He’s now NC and apologetic to me for what he put us through.

PeapodMcgee · 21/05/2025 18:41

AllGoodNamesRGone · 21/05/2025 18:21

I have told her outright in the past that I didn't like her tone, how she speaks to them. I stick up for them.
My DH is the one who can't say no to her. The DC see her only very occasionally and it is normally just a quick lunch, meet up for the afternoon. They are not fair game but you don't know my family dynamics. MIL is my hubby's only family on his side and maybe feels obligated towards her. The children already know their own minds and have told them to say if they don't want to speak to her. They do it to keep dad happy, they've told me this. Youngest DC once did not speak to her for 2 months after something she said.
We are not fully exposed to her other than the weekly phone calls. But agree with everyone who has said I should put my foot down and stop these as well.
I obviously need to get a backbone myself. Just very difficult when you don't want to upset your other half.

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For Christ's sake. He will tell her she is uninvited because nobody likes the way she behaves. She blows up and never speaks to him again? Good.

Your husband needs to grow the fuck up. I'd kick him out over this if he doesn't. How dare he take a screenshot of your calendar! He just doesn't get it.

You should not be concerned about upsetting him. He's obviously unconcerned about the pain this absolute bitch has been allowed to inflict upon you all.

Original poster

AllGoodNamesRGone · 21/05/2025 18:54

#HiddenInCubeofCheese Thank you. I needed to read this. You're absolutely right.

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Cherrysoup · 21/05/2025 18:59

AllGoodNamesRGone · 21/05/2025 18:21

I have told her outright in the past that I didn't like her tone, how she speaks to them. I stick up for them.
My DH is the one who can't say no to her. The DC see her only very occasionally and it is normally just a quick lunch, meet up for the afternoon. They are not fair game but you don't know my family dynamics. MIL is my hubby's only family on his side and maybe feels obligated towards her. The children already know their own minds and have told them to say if they don't want to speak to her. They do it to keep dad happy, they've told me this. Youngest DC once did not speak to her for 2 months after something she said.
We are not fully exposed to her other than the weekly phone calls. But agree with everyone who has said I should put my foot down and stop these as well.
I obviously need to get a backbone myself. Just very difficult when you don't want to upset your other half.

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Yet he doesn’t care about upsetting you AND the dc!

FABAND · 22/05/2025 20:12

Take DC out for dinner with everyone the day before. Hubs can take his mom for dinner on the original date . That's his only option. His mess, to accept the consequences.
He can lie and say that some of the guests could only make the day before so he changed it, or if he grew a pair, could use the dinner to tell his mother the reason no one wants to have dinner with her is because she's so unpleasant.
This plan means DC and you dont have to see her and hubs will learn to think before screenshotting the family calendar and sending it to her.