Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

But why do the GP have to get involved? If Op had made a decision why can’t people respect that. She will no people will chose to not attend. I think understands ppl won’t attend but rather that no one is speaking to her that upsets her. The children sound feral so why does she have to invite them. They are not close. She said that

Being upset your FOUR children arent going to be paid for at OPs expense when you aren’t even close is really batshit. Even if my wedding wasn’t child free, I wouldn’t have wanted to spend 4 places and paid for 4 children to attend if I wasn’t close with them. Aunt could have politely declined or got a babysitter. Your grandparents are complete arseholes only thinking of themselves because that’s their grandchildren. Of course you aren’t close to children significantly younger than you that I bet you barely ever see!

Because the grandparents are selfish twits who want to see their precious grandchildren all trussed up. Not OPs issue! Or job to pay for.

Why do you think ppl are so entitled?

So you’ve shown that certain members of your family are of no importance to you, and you don’t want them at your wedding.

Your grandparents are deeply offended that a member of their family who they love (you) is not interested in other members of the family who they also love (cousins and children).

I don’t blame them. You’ve made your choice, so live with the fallout.

Not wanting young children at a wedding has nothing to do with core values of a family, how ridiculous.

That’s your opinion but it’s not how a lot of other people feel- Hence the row in OP’s family.

Child free wedding is your choice to make and must be respected.
your grandparents and aunties hurt at your deciding is also to be respected.
None of you are unreasonable. Actions have consequences.
you’re prioritising yourself and so are they.

wow...so she could actually very easily arrange childcare. She surely has friends who won't be at the wedding who could babysit! It's not even overnight!

But why do the GP have to get involved?

Because OP’s GP are deeply offended and hurt by OP’s decision.

The GP will presumably respect OP’s decision in the sense that they will not be encouraging people to gatecrash the wedding! At the end of the day it’s OP’s prerogative who attends and they know that .

But why should they also have to pretend that they aren’t deeply offended and upset , when the reality is that they are?

I think you may have hit the nail on the head here...they wanted to see them as flower girls or some other gaudy nonsense.

Sorry, OP - your family should be behaving themselves, but they aren't. Sadly weddings can bring out the absolute - and unpredictable - worst in the most odd of people. In my case my mom and sisters became utterly ridiculous (the sisters wanted bridesmaid dresses...I told them they could wear whatever they wanted - they loathed that idea entirely - making them the only bridesmaids in the world to feel that way. Ah well). If I could have done it all over again I would have done EXACTLY what we wanted - and not given in to ridiculous family nonsense. Mind you if I could have done it all again I wouldn't have married that arse, but that's a whole other story lol

Why on earth should they be “hurt”?? It’s OP’s party, not a family reunion. Little children contribute zero to an elegant evening.

If the grandparents want a family-friendly party with their tiny grandchildren dressed up and prancing around as centers of attention, let them organize and pay for one. Why hijack someone else’s event?

Same for “aunty.” What’s stopping her from hosting a kid-centric event on her own time rather than OP’s?

Exactly.

Aunty is an attention seeking arsehole.

They can “feel” whatever they wish, but acting on those feelings by harassing OP is reprehensible.

No one asked their opinion. All they need to do is accept or decline, and keep their unsolicited input to themselves.

Why on earth should they be “hurt”??

There’s no “should” about it- they are hurt. A lot of people on this thread have shared that they would feel the same. People have different , deeply held, values / priorities around family/ weddings . Some people think it’s all about the couple. Some people think it’s a community/ family event about the joining of two families.
There is some failure on this thread to recognise and understand the reality that people have different feelings and perspectives..

Well they are close family- So they chose to communicate how they felt, as people who are close are wont to do. (Generally considered a healthy approach to relationships). This apparently led to several arguments.
Now they are following your mandate of keeping quiet, and declining to attend the wedding . OP is upset and angry about that.

Stand your ground Op.

They all sound like they need better boundaries and manners. They absolutely don’t get to tell you how to get married.

The drama llamas can work themselves up all they want but it's literally just a day. Nothing in their world actually changes by you getting married.

They want the Insta day by the sounds of it, not you.

But surely they can have an opinion but not get involved? Op has said the kids misbehave and are feral (or words similar) so why is this such a surprise to the GP and why they aren’t invited, she also said they are not close. So again why should they be invited?

The silent treatment is not communicating how they feel, it’s a manipulative tactic to try and force op into doing what they want. They tried the arguments, and that didn’t work. It is not a sign of a close and healthy family, but one that gangs up and bullies others into submission.

Op’s wishes are what matters here, it is her wedding day and I am pretty sure she has very valid reasons for the choices she has made, and they should be respected by her family, graciously .

Yes and that's why when it's someone's special occasion, you respect their opinions, feelings and wishes 🙄😒

So if they say how they feel they are manipulative , and if they don’t speak to OP at all they are manipulative? So basically their only option is to carry on as normal and pretend they aren’t upset? Thats not reasonable.
They told OP how they felt. It led to arguments. Now they aren’t speaking. Sounds like a family conflict.

Op’s wishes are what matters here
that’s not a perspective that everyone shares. Some people feel that while the couple’s wishes matter in a wedding- the broader family, community, matter too.

Core family values are respecting the wishes and loving your family members even when they do something you don't like. That is real love. The type of behaviour you're talking of is more what@Feetinthegrassarticulated so well. The fact you can't even comprehend putting someone elses wishes before your own, even on someones wedding day blows my mind. I feel sorry for you.

The fact that this scenario “blows your mind” suggests to me that you may have some trouble with mentalising/ perspective taking.

The fact you think someone's wedding should be all about you and the community is what blows my mind. 🦇💩

Yes i understand

You can say that you are hurt and upset that the children are not invited, that IS communicating your feelings without resorting to pressuring the bride to change her mind, and using silent treatment tactics etc - that is neither respectful or healthy, and not acceptable.

You also seem to be implying that the wishes of the wider family are equally as important as that of the couple actually getting married! Clearly that is bonkers, it is not their wedding day!

They can host their own family party if they want their dc to dress up etc, not use ops wedding day - it is such a special day for the couple, a once in a life time for them, and you want it hijacked and for op to forgo her wishes for her day to appease everyone else?! Madness. And very very dysfunctional.