Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

my daughters having a child free wedding , only exception is family from abroad with a 15year old ,who is a young lady , if anyone doesn’t like it the tough. they can’t leave her home alone

I understand your aunt is disappointed if she has to miss the wedding. She is BU to stop speaking to you, as are your grandparents.

Are your parents around? If so, what do they think? Ideally you need to put this out your mind and carry on planning regardless. Hopefully your grandparents change their mind, but if they don't then that's on them.

If you are going to have a child free wedding then you do need to accept that some people will not be able to come.

if those people are important to you then either relax the child free restriction or accept that there will be repercussions.

i have friends that haven’t spoken for twenty years because one friend had a child free wedding and the others just couldn’t sort childcare. Multiple young children do make it very difficult.

Couldn’t you let immediate family’s kids come but just not friends’ kids? Because they’re your family too so it’s a bit mean not to invite them when you expect every other immediate family member and probably every babysitting option for younger kids to also be attending your wedding!

They're being manipulative.

It's not their wedding. It's yours.

I would just go and elope

It's your wedding and your choice, your family are being very unreasonable to fall out with you over this. However from someone who did the same (had a child free wedding and upset some family members) 10 years on, it's genuinely the biggest regret of my wedding!

You’ve made a choice, and as a consequence they have made theirs.
If your choice is so important to you, then respect that their choice is equally important to them.

It depends. Is the wedding close to home for your aunt. If she has to travel and organise overnight childcare or just get a taxi up the road

I really can’t imagine my niece not inviting my kids to her wedding. Yes, my parents would be fuming too! Are you not close to them?

It is within our home town. Myself and my parents and aunties all live in the same village, it is about a 20 minute drive away

No they re not being manipulative, they’ve made a choice too which is the consequence of the OP’s choice. Neither party is right or wrong here IMO.

This is the consequence of your choice- people feel upset and hurt at being effectively excluded. Is there a reason why you don’t want family children present?

Whatever your reason for having a child free wedding, it’s not fair on you that your extended family are putting pressure on you to change you decision by being unkind. I’m afraid I’d be blocking their phone number for the time being and not engaging with them until they stop what they’re doing.

There will always be people who won’t be able to attend when a wedding is child free - we have a wedding this year where our children aren’t invited so, as the person who is connected to the couple getting married, I will attend while my husband stays home for the couple of days with the children.

Your wedding your choice. I don’t understand the entitlement of some people that think they can dictate to a bride and groom who should be there. If you give in to her you’ll probably have to invite other children as well so it’s either all or nothing because others will be upset their children are excluded. Stick to your guns and don’t let anyone make you do something you don’t want to, it’s your day after all.

Your aunt has 11 mths to find a babysitter! 🙄

I met with a cousin and her children a few weeks after we got engaged. The kids showed me how they would be holding their bouquets and 'walked down the aisle' together. NO- I hadn't asked them to be flower girls, this was purely my cousins assumption!

I had a child free wedding and no children in the wedding party.

Well, they're upset that you havent included certain members of the family in your wedding. You can't control how they feel about that. Every choice we make has consequences.

Your family are selfish and entitled bullies.

Of course, you have a child free wedding might mean some people cannot come. But throwing a tantrum about it, and complaining to everybody?

With that attitude, I am guessing the kids are running feral.

In an ideal world, you would elope. If you can't, because it's not fair on your partner, don't be upset and look forward to see the people who are not acting like tantrumming toddlers. They will regret not attending your wedding more than you will regret them. It goes so fast and it's so busy, you won't even notice they are not there if they are still sulking trying to bully you.

Is the wedding 100% child free or have you made some exceptions? How did you react when you're aunf said she could not come?

Yes they’re unreasonable to not speak to you.

It’s obviously perfectly reasonable for your aunt to not come to the wedding though. If she doesn’t have childcare then she doesn’t have childcare.

it doesn't matter

Having a child free wedding is like having a destination wedding, it’s ultimately your decision, but you have to accept that some people may choose not to attend. Obviously it’s a shame if it causes a fall out, but you can help the situation by being graceful about their decision.

It's completely your choice, but you must understand that it's going to have consequences.

I'm sure it's very difficult for someone to find a babysitter for 4 young children.

You must have realised this. I'm sure you're all close if you live in the same village.

Of course they are not being reasonable! They have a right to be disappointed, but they are going about things in a really bad way. When DH and I got married, there were people we had invited who we knew would not be able to attend if it was child free as their only support was coming to the wedding (And we really wanted them there). So we invited children. But that was our decision, not one forced upon us by them.

The problem that your family has created is that even if you DO give to their demands, it’s going to leave a really bad taste in your mouth going forward. There are things that I gave into MIL about over our wedding, and I’m still pissed off about it over 10 years later (But then I do bear a grudge for a very long time…)

Do your wedding your way. And if your grandparents want to be so shitty about it, then let them sit at home and stew whilst you enjoy your day.

Their loss.
She has 11 months to sort childcare. She just can’t be arsed.