Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

Your wedding - your choice not upto anyone else. I did the same. I just said the theme of the wedding and some of the entertainment is not suitable for kids.

Nobody is right or wrong in the decision making imo. You are absolutely entitled to have a childfree wedding and of course they are entitled to not attend - it’s unlikely to be able to get a babysitter they feel comfortable with (most potential babysitters will be at the wedding I imagine!). However, they should be graceful about it. Not talking etc is the part that isn’t okay.

My children aren’t allowed in bars with us in the evening, aren’t allowed to come to work with me, aren’t invited to dinners at friends sometimes, not invited to hen or stag do’s and yes, aren’t invited to some weddings

It is my choice to make if I don’t want to leave my kids or get childcare. It would be highly unfair of me to kick off. OP made her choice, auntie is allowed to make hers without being drama queen

But the grandparents are basically holding her to ransom. Absolutely if the aunt can’t find appropriate care then that’s just the way things are when you have a child free wedding. But other family members taking a stand and refusing to go is just unpleasant and bullying.

OP, crack on and enjoy your day. They sound like they are used to bullying people to get their own way, and not very nice people.

Let them.

Have the wedding you want. If people don't want to attend that's on them.

What if the Aunt doesn't want to leave them with a sitter?
Of course it's her wedding "her rules" but she needs to accept people's reactions, and that includes the GPs who maybe are over reacting and will calm down but maybe not.

It’s unusual not to make an exception for family, I’ve been to a couple of child free weddings but family were allowed to be there and often had a role in the day - flower girl / page boy / ring bearer. I would really caution this being the hill you choose to die on OP. It is one day. An important one but one day all the same. If you really want to stand your ground you have to do it with the knowledge that this could have a long term impact on your family relationships.

Could the kids not just come to the reception if you’re worried about them disrupting the service?

I think childfree weddings are totally fine. But what was the unsuitable theme of your wedding??

This is what it boils down to. Is it worth it for one day? Really?

The issue is a babysitter or Nanny will charge £15ph , so if the wedding is from 3pm-10pm that 7x£15=£105.
And for 4 kids, she would probably need 2 qualified childminders as they’re so young. So £210.

No friend or relation is going to offer this time for free, as 4 young children is such a handful and if 1 goes running off, you cannot leave the others to chase them.

So could you offer to pay these costs for her?

At my wedding we hired a babysitter on site for during the evening meal.

My daughter is having a child free wedding. Even the grooms sister will not be bringing her toddler. The venue charges for children over a year old and they are counted as a number significantly reducing the number of friends my daughter could invite if she allowed all children.
No one has been difficult about it or complained.
I would just let them decide what they want to do and if they don't want to come - their choice! Your grand parents are being silly in my opinion but if they see it as a hill they are willing to die on - again their choice.
Have a wonderful day - try and put this behind you and just invite more friends instead!

We invited parents, grandparents and siblings only. No aunties or uncles as we wanted a small wedding and thought if we invite them then where does it end with cousins etc, and we also didn’t want people who don’t normally travel to visit us (none of them do) to feel pressured to travel for a wedding (as we live a few hours away). It was so much easier and no one felt excluded as it was immediate family only.

In my case, if we'd invited some children we would have had to invite roughly 30 of them. The venue would not fit that many people for a sit down meal and it would have almost doubled our numbers, we simply couldn't afford it.

Giving in to sulking and bullying by grown ass adults is not how family rifts are solved.

It's very different for a family member to come to you like an adult and say "It will be really difficult to come to your wedding if I can't bring any of the kids and I wonder if there is any room for compromise" than for people to say they won't have anything to do with you unless you let their children come to your wedding. Grown adults don't throw tantrums and ultimatums. That's what's caused the rift here, not OP's child free wedding plans.

Childcare is expensive, especially for four children

Weddings are also expensive.
If you're going to allow her 4 children to attend you have to allow all children to attend.
That could potentially mean an additional 50 guests.

It's not inherently wrong to have a childfree wedding but if that's not the norm for your own family then I can see why it won't go down well. I also understand why not all families would be able to find childcare for so many small children regardless of how much time they've got.

They should just be declining with dignity though. There's no excuse for the nasty messages.

It's your choice however and what's done is done. I'd just try to accept their declines and not get involved with any drama.

YANBU OP, but on mumsnet people quite seem to think that weddings have to include children and to not do so is rude and exclusionary.

You're entitled to have the wedding you want- they are of course entitled to decline, but they have been OTT and dramatic in their response and I wouldn't entertain it.

A family event like a wedding isn't really comparable to work, or drinks in a bar.

Yes, OP made her choice but when that choice deliberately excludes multiple family members, it's bound to cause upset. And understandably so, IMO.

Expecting her to pay for childcare on top of her dress, gift, travel etc is a lot to ask.

Might it just be easier to make the 2 5-year-olds your ring bearers or something? They would prob all leave in the evening anyway as it will be their bedtime.

If your Aunt can't or doesn't want to attend, that's one thing. But not speaking to you is awful - major overreaction. Especially your grandparents, what are they sulking about? Manipulative. There's plenty of time to find a babysitter, or for dad to practice parenting for an evening...

Weddings are as cheap or as expensive as you make them.

If the OP doesnt want children at her wedding, why on earth would it be easier to have them as part of the wedding?? Batshit.

This thread has brought out all the knobs. Whoever’s friend hasn’t spoken to someone for 20 years over not inviting their child, Jesus wept! Of course there shouldn’t be consequences for not inviting children, that’s too heavy. How pathetic to not talk to someone over it, and can’t find a babysitter 11 months in advance 😂

I hope you have a wonderful wedding.

I think your Aunty and grandparents in the wrong and bang out of order. They are trying to manipulate you into changing your mind. Don't let them.

I would imagine anyone that could babysit is at the wedding and some people do not want an unknown person babysitting.