Family have fallen out with me and not attending my wedding

[Summerinsicily]

I am getting married in 11 months and we have decided on a child free wedding. It has caused awful upset and fall outs to the point where some of my family members now aren’t speaking to me and saying they aren’t coming.

My auntie has 4 very young children and is saying she can’t get babysitters for them. So because she is upset, my grandparents have told me they are disappointed that I’m not inviting my young cousins and that it’s not on, it’s selfish and they won’t be attending.

I’ve been in tears over this, it’s all been very stressful. I’ve come extremely close to just cancelling the wedding and losing my deposits but my fiancé knows that I would probably regret that in the future and thinks we should keep it as it is. I am just wondering, do you think my auntie and grandparents are reasonable to stop speaking to me because of this?

In another few years these children will be your full blown relatives, why not try and build the bonds now, instead of treating them like an annoying addition to their parents? I still remember all the weddings I attended as a kid, it made me feel close to my family and a part of a bigger picture.

It’s up to the OP who she has at her wedding. Not any Tom dick or Harry. 12 months is ages to arrange childcare.

I totally agree.

I also think that if someone can’t come because of childcare (even if other people think they could probably arrange it if they tried), they are also entitled to decline without needing to justify all the childcare issues.

They should politely decline without kicking off about it. And OP should politely accept that without being bothered.

That’s your opinion.

Well, it's your wedding so I think they should accept and respect your decision. It is not reasonable to stop talking to you on these grounds alone.

But at the same time, you need to respect their decision not to attend. It's an invitation and not a summons.

Personally, I hate the whole child-free wedding thing, but we're all different, and if a child-free wedding is what you want, that's your prerogative. You'll just have to accept the fact that some people won't want to be there.

Mind your own business

No, it isn’t a ‘family’ occasion. It is an occasion that is imagined, probably meaningfully, and organised by the Bride & Groom. Not everyone wants children running around, not everyone finds them cute, endearing or even funny. Why is it that people assume others even like children in a social setting.

if OPs cousin cannot attend then fine, but for her grandparents to carry on as though she’s shat on their bed isn’t something whereby the solution lies with the OP, it’s a solution where there GPs should get over themselves.

This is about how you view a wedding compared to how others in your family do. Noone is wrong, but noone in this situation seems to be able to understand the other's point of view. It's obviously a common problem as can be seen from replies to this thread.

You view it as your special day, to plan as you wish, to invite those you wish to share the day with you, where that does not include children.
Your family view a wedding as an event to celebrate your marriage with family and friends, including all the family not just the adults.

You can invite who you like, they can come or not come. They feel hurt you have not invited the children, you feel hurt they have reacted the way they did.

Can you find a middle ground? Is the problem really that the children are not included? Or that your aunt does not want to/cannot leave them with a babysitter? Could you have the children at one part but not all of your celebration? Or help arrange childcare? How important is it to everyone not to have a huge falling out in the family?

Weddings are no fun for small children. 32 years ago I had a child free wedding with 3 exceptions. One of the toddlers shouted all through our vows. Was she taken out? Of course not. Still annoys me.

I agree that it's totally fair enough for the bride and groom to do whatever they like. It's their wedding.

But if we are going to say that a wedding is not a family occasion, then it's also totally fair enough for other family members to opt out.

The grandmother is surely being unreasonable if she has stopped speaking to her own grandaughter because she is having a child free wedding.

This works both ways though. Guests can’t dictate who is invited to the wedding, but the bride and groom can’t dictate who attends - they can only invite people.

People will turn down invitations if they are not practical because some of the family are included. It’s a bit weird that the grandparents are also not attending, but that’s their choice. Can your parents speak to them OP?

As for them not talking to you, that’s just childish.

Actions have consequences.

If you choose to exclude multiple family members, then you have to be prepared for the fall out that comes with that.

Don’t invite guests then. Elope.

But surely if you want guests then as the host you should bend to make your guests happy.

I absolutely agree that the other family members can opt out! What isn’t on is falling out with and heaping pressure on the OP to change her idea of the perfect wedding and her absolute right to not have children there to the point that she’s felt like cancelling her big day. That’s disgraceful behaviour.

She's not unreasonable not to come. She, and other family members, are unreasonable to get pissed off with you. People spend a relative fortune on weddings and if you don't want children at yours then so be it, and a decision I'm sure you didn't come to lightly.

I don't understand the thought process of people saying "but what about children of the family" - surely you say no to children at your wedding because you don't want children at your wedding, regardless of whether they're related or not?

I do understand that some people won’t be able to come, which is fine. I am upset by the reaction though, and the way it had been handled and how I have received countless texts and phone calls of them shouting at me and saying “I can’t believe you’re doing this!” And my grandparents can attend because they don’t have young children, but aren’t coming out of principle. They have told me they aren’t interested in speaking to me further or being part of the day and to remove them from the guest list

Tell your bitchy grandparents it’s great they’re not coming because now they can babysit the kids, and then auntie can come!

How young are the children?

depending on the ages, you may have effectively not invited your aunt to the wedding. She might have a child who is too young to leave. Like many people, she might also only use family for babysitting her youngest children and all her babysitters are going to be at the wedding.

making it extremely difficult for a close family member to attend your wedding is fairly rude. The question then becomes, does your aunt count as close family?

If you don’t really care if she attends, then this isn’t an issue. If her presence is important to you, then it would make sense for you to plan an event that is easy for her to attend.

So these children are your first-cousins - have you invited all your other first cousins? And now old are these children? Ie are they very young or old enough to know about the wedding and be disappointed at being excluded? Do you have a relationship with them?

Perhaps the children were excited about going to your wedding, dressing up & having a part of your special day & there is a lot of disappointment around that? I'd give it time to settle, don't cancel or do anything hasty. See if you can't have a conversation about it without any other family members present.

It’s a difficult decision.
my sin and daughter-in-law had children of immediate family.
we set up tippee tents (cheaply bought on Amazon) with fairy lights and cushions with some games and books.
the kids were happy with this.
it was beautiful weather and everyone took a turn outside with the kids to make sure all was ok.
6 year old ring bearer entered to James Bond music with security lanyard 🤣 and the 3 year old was guided by older kids to throw petrels in the aisle.
the kids made the wedding if I’m honest. There were 8 of them age 12 to 3.
good luck in whatever you decide.

perfect 😂

Your grandparents are from a generation of everyone having big family weddings, and inviting people the bride or groom haven’t even spoken to just because they’re blood related.

Send a “We’ve made a choice and this is our wedding, we are allowed one day to be how we choose. I’ll remove you from the guest list” to your auntie and grandparents and ignore any other texts

Try not to let it get to you, and enjoy your day

This.

As someone that wanted a child free wedding, in the end we did agree to family having their young kids. One child vomited on floor in reception and frankly I was too busy to notice!

In hindsight glad I agreed to children of family members coming. It would amhave caused issues otherwise.

You're perfectly entitled to maintain your position, but unfortunately consequences that some people won't attend and others such as grandparents I like to feel strongly and vote with their feet by not attending. Might be worth looking at the bigger long-term picture.