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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DD keeps asking to go home whilst on holiday

225 replies

FairPlayer274 · 20/05/2025 05:49

I suppose I already know I’m BU, but I guess I just wanted to talk about it…

I took DD, who turns 4 next month, on a 10 day trip to California to visit my long-lost grandmother/her great grandmother (with whom I immediately felt comfortable, and with whom DD immediately fell in love), and then to go hiking/camping in the mountains of Sequoia, Kings Canyon, and Yosemite National Parks.

We’ve been swimming where there’s been opportunity, even though the water’s been pretty cold (though DD didn’t want to get out any time we went in. That child loves to swim!) In between, we also stopped in Fresno to tour the underground gardens and visit the zoo (where she got to feed the giraffes and pet some sting rays!), and tomorrow, as we make our way back to Los Angeles for our flight home, I plan on stopping to do an alpine rail coaster thing, and have dinner with GM again.

We’ve been sleeping in a pretty spacious tent on a blow-up mattress, with a sleeping bag rated for -6C/20F weather, with layers and layers of clothing on when it’s been cold at night (it got down to 1C/34F at one point, but I still felt comfortable, and DD wasn’t complaining of cold so I figure she was comfortable as well). I’ve carried her in her special backpack for most of the hiking, as she hasn’t wanted to walk much. I think we’ve been eating pretty decently too, with fruits, veggies, protein, carbs, and healthy fats at every meal, and many of the foods DD usually eats at home (though we’ve only had cooked foods when visiting GM and once at a restaurant after a long hike) and fresh water on hand at all time.

Hygiene could probably be a bit better; we haven’t showered at every opportunity because it’s a huge hassle and there hasn’t been hot water everywhere, but we’ve showered a few times and baby wiped with camping soap and shampoo every night we didn’t shower. Got to do laundry this morning, right as we ran out of clean clothing, too. We’ve had sunscreen and bug spray and such, and toys and books and crayons for the car and flights.

And we’ve called our family members any time we’ve had cell service… but I think she still misses everyone back home, including our dogs. (She talks about the dogs to strangers at every opportunity, and there’s been a lot of dogs to pet.) She started asking to go home on day 6, and has been getting more insistent (well, now, demanding/crying) that we go home. We have a whole list of things we’re going to do when we get back: ride bikes, make ice pops, go to the pool, take a bath, watch TV, hug Daddy, go to school, etc.

I’m sure the upset of her usual routine and the sudden withdrawal from screens has been hard on her, but I thought I was doing a good thing by getting her outside to see all the beauty of the natural world, and I worked really hard to make sure we were comfortable the whole time. I thought we were having fun and spending time together, like we did on our 10 day hiking trip that we took when she was 2 1/2 yo… but I guess maybe this time it’s different. I’m feeling a bit like a shit parent over it, and for having her stick it out to the end instead of eating the cost of our reservations and flying home early.

I guess maybe shorter trips, in the future? And we probably ought to convince DH to come, too.

OP posts:
faerietales · 20/05/2025 09:45

DappledThings · 20/05/2025 08:26

She doesn't need those things. She might want them and she'll get them in a couple of days. There's no reason lots of children wouldn't enjoy the camping if they had enough layers, hard to know in advance.

It might not be the best fun the child has ever had, it might have been a bit ambitious a trip for her age. Doesn't mean it was a bad decision to try it or that it should be cut short.

My point was that there’s no need to cut it short - just get a hotel room for the last few days if she’s miserable camping in a tent.

FuckityFux · 20/05/2025 09:48

DappledThings · 20/05/2025 09:40

This is all about what you want from a holiday so maybe leave her with her dad next time and only do the things you like doing instead
Or better still keep pushing her a little bit but maybe just not so far. There's nothing wrong with trying to be a bit adventurous with children and it not being a complete success doesn't mean it was the wrong call to begin with or that you just shouldn't bother again.

As an adult, I can tell you to FO if you tried to push me into doing what you want because YOU think it’s good for me.

Sadly, a 4yr old has opinions that get ignored by the grown ups because they assume they know better.

Would you ever consider that other people inc. children might have a different perspective to you?

Your child is not a mini-me but their own person. Maybe learn to respect their wishes for a change?

DappledThings · 20/05/2025 09:52

FuckityFux · 20/05/2025 09:48

As an adult, I can tell you to FO if you tried to push me into doing what you want because YOU think it’s good for me.

Sadly, a 4yr old has opinions that get ignored by the grown ups because they assume they know better.

Would you ever consider that other people inc. children might have a different perspective to you?

Your child is not a mini-me but their own person. Maybe learn to respect their wishes for a change?

Yes, respect their wishes by maybe not pushing it that far next time. Doesn't mean having to completely ditch the idea of a holiday with any adventure or going on one 100% based on kids' activities.

Trying this type of holiday out wasn't the shit, selfish decision people are making it out to be.

Nor is sticking it out now while they are there.

Sortumn · 20/05/2025 09:52

It can be helpful to try to empathise with her.
Be curious about what she is missing from home. Talk about the things that you are missing too.
But then be very clear. We're having a holiday and we aren't going home until it finishes.
Maybe do some sort of visual countdown so that she can conceptualise the time you have left a bit better.
Talk about what the first things you'll do when you get home and what you're looking forward to.
When she's in a good mood talk about the things you have enjoyed from this trip. Look over your photos together. Talk about what she might be looking forward to from this trip.

GinAndJuice99 · 20/05/2025 09:54

The trip sounds amazing. Ignore the people who say you should be in a hotel or at Disney!

I wonder if she could be picking up on your anxieties? The stuff about food and showering - none of that matters at all but it sounds like you're worrying about it all a bit. If you're voicing those worries then she will pick up on it. Don't take this as a criticism - it's the sort of thing I'd do!

UnderTheCover · 20/05/2025 09:58

OP it's nothing to do with the wonderful holiday you've laid on - or lack thereof. Children are often resistant to travelling, and have powerful homing instincts.

AnonymousBleep · 20/05/2025 10:02

I camped with mine on my own from an early age and they always loved it but more than about 4 days under canvas is always hard! So your 6 year old did really well getting to day 6 without complaining IMO. I still firmly believe camping trips needs to be short and sweet (my back can't really cope for more than a couple of days on a blowup mattress anyway).

It sounds like an amazing trip, don't be hard on yourself for it not being 100% perfect. Nothing is! And you'll both have fantastic memories and forget any bad stuff!

Needspaceforlego · 20/05/2025 10:02

GinAndJuice99 · 20/05/2025 09:54

The trip sounds amazing. Ignore the people who say you should be in a hotel or at Disney!

I wonder if she could be picking up on your anxieties? The stuff about food and showering - none of that matters at all but it sounds like you're worrying about it all a bit. If you're voicing those worries then she will pick up on it. Don't take this as a criticism - it's the sort of thing I'd do!

It's a very adult orientated trip. They are going to LA why on earth not have a day thats completely child focused Disneyland which is only 30min from LA.

Then the holiday finishes on a complete high for the DD. And might actually make her want to return.

Ops has clearly put lots of thought into the holiday but has forgotten that a 4 year old is different to a 2.5 year old.

AnonymousBleep · 20/05/2025 10:05

BakPain · 20/05/2025 09:21

Yeah imagine OPs daughter in 20 years from now recounting the hellish camping trip that her mother dragged her on when she was 4?

“year it was 1c at night, we were stuck in a tent, traipsing around all day, dirty, tired and I was bored stiff and missing my dad and a proper bed … to be fair though our nutritional macros were spot on” 😂

Hellish camping trip?! It sounds amazing!

I'd have loved it at that age - being taken to all those cool places, an adventure. Not having to wash (which is one of the main reasons my kids loved camping when they were tiny)! Not everyone is all about bouji hotels, especially when they're 4.

Livpool · 20/05/2025 10:06

TheCurious0range · 20/05/2025 07:28

I'm not sure it does sound amazing, you've only eaten a couple of hot meals in ten days, not showering and sleeping in a tent when it's 1 degree doesn't sound like fun to me, especially not for ten days, it's also a massive shift for a child so young. I think you could've got a hotel or air BnB and just done a couple of nights camping

I agree with this - there hasn’t really been anything nice for her. She is probably cold, feels dirty and wants her dad

AnonymousBleep · 20/05/2025 10:08

Needspaceforlego · 20/05/2025 10:02

It's a very adult orientated trip. They are going to LA why on earth not have a day thats completely child focused Disneyland which is only 30min from LA.

Then the holiday finishes on a complete high for the DD. And might actually make her want to return.

Ops has clearly put lots of thought into the holiday but has forgotten that a 4 year old is different to a 2.5 year old.

Disneyland is tacky and dull. I don't know why everyone on MN is so obsessed with it. We took my kids when they were little just to see what the hype was about (as we were travelling through anyway) and they were completely 'meh.' Not all kids are the same and I should think the OP knows what her child might enjoy better than randoms on MN.

NeedthatFridayfeeling · 20/05/2025 10:24

CelestialGazer · 20/05/2025 06:48

This. It’s far too much for a child of that age, and is centred around what you want, not what she wants. Which is very selfish imo.

She won’t remember any of it in years to come either, except maybe a very vague memory of being in the big countryside and being unhappy.

Not selfish at all. They are all different. Mine has zero interest in places like Disney/Lego land/Center Parcs etc.
We've been taking our daughter on these kind of trips since she was a baby and she loves them, she does have vague memories of holidays from about age 3 and a half.
She did a 3 week California road trip age 5 and had the best time and still talks about how beautiful Yosemite was and the huge trees of Sequoia.
We have another road trip with lots of hiking this summer in Oregon and Washington and she can't wait.
Whatever age it's good for them to get out in nature and appreciate the beauty.

OP i think having daddy there in future would help, my daughter wouldn't like a holiday where one parent wasn't there, too much of a change.
Sounds like an amazing holiday (except the camping for me 😂) jealous you got to do Kings Canyon, road's were closed when we were there.

FiveBarGate · 20/05/2025 10:37

For one of mine "I want to go home" is really shorthand for "I'm tired".

She often says it while she is at home, in her bedroom. Usually when overtired and she's been told not to do something or feels upset that she should have done something (not bad behaviour, just the basic could you take off your pyjamas or why is that on your floor and not was basket type question). It's probably more about being a bit overwhelmed than wanting to be home.

faerietales · 20/05/2025 10:40

GinAndJuice99 · 20/05/2025 09:54

The trip sounds amazing. Ignore the people who say you should be in a hotel or at Disney!

I wonder if she could be picking up on your anxieties? The stuff about food and showering - none of that matters at all but it sounds like you're worrying about it all a bit. If you're voicing those worries then she will pick up on it. Don't take this as a criticism - it's the sort of thing I'd do!

It sounds amazing for an adult but probably not for the majority of 3 year olds who need plenty of sleep, rest and familiarity.

Shes been taken away from her dad, is in a strange country, camping in a tent in cold temperatures and spending huge amounts of time sat in a hiking backpack - fine for a day or two, but for ten days?

faerietales · 20/05/2025 10:41

AnonymousBleep · 20/05/2025 10:08

Disneyland is tacky and dull. I don't know why everyone on MN is so obsessed with it. We took my kids when they were little just to see what the hype was about (as we were travelling through anyway) and they were completely 'meh.' Not all kids are the same and I should think the OP knows what her child might enjoy better than randoms on MN.

But her child is bored and homesick - there’s no harm in at least trying Disney for a day.

Sortumn · 20/05/2025 10:43

AnonymousBleep · 20/05/2025 10:08

Disneyland is tacky and dull. I don't know why everyone on MN is so obsessed with it. We took my kids when they were little just to see what the hype was about (as we were travelling through anyway) and they were completely 'meh.' Not all kids are the same and I should think the OP knows what her child might enjoy better than randoms on MN.

Yeah. I was disappointed that my kids disliked Disney world. Too busy, noisy and too many queues. They asked to go to a normal park with swings and slides instead.

Needspaceforlego · 20/05/2025 10:44

AnonymousBleep · 20/05/2025 10:08

Disneyland is tacky and dull. I don't know why everyone on MN is so obsessed with it. We took my kids when they were little just to see what the hype was about (as we were travelling through anyway) and they were completely 'meh.' Not all kids are the same and I should think the OP knows what her child might enjoy better than randoms on MN.

The Ops taken her 4yo who she knows well on a trip the 4yo isn't enjoying and sounds very adult orientated.

How does she know the LO won't enjoy a day of Disney and princesses.
Disneyland is smaller and much more small child friendly than Disney world.

CleanShirt · 20/05/2025 10:46

The flight was worth it then.

RosesAndHellebores · 20/05/2025 10:47

That's an awful lot for a three year old. Can she ha e some agency over what you do fkr the remainder of the trip.

I''m 64 and at 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 that sort of trip would ot have been within my comfort zones.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 20/05/2025 10:48

It’s too much new stuff all at once . Most children ( and many adults ) do NOT enjoy constant change and stimulation, days packed with new activities and new people and a different place to sleep every night.

You obviously love this but clearly your daughter doesn’t. If you plan to do anything like this again, here are my suggestions.

Take her hiking at home on day trips, so she gets used to it and see if she likes it.

Camp in your back garden / a friend’s garden, so she gets used to sleeping in a tent.

Go on a weekend camping trip near home, so she gets used to camping with the cooking and washing.

Show her nature in your local national park / beach.

Take her swimming in the sea and rivers at home to see if she likes it.

Then go on a short haul camping trip/ hiking trip . You are obviously driving on this holiday, so what about France or the Netherlands .

Then once she is having fun doing all this, you can think about the wisdom of adding in other stressors, such as the long haul flight, jet lag, leaving behind her father and pets, meet ups with strangers, no screens, hot weather, strange bugs.

FWIW, I love to travel but my kids don't. So I only took them on centre based holidays to places with pools or a beach and lots of activities with other children. Because thats what they liked and if they are miserable, I am miserable.

They are adults now and only one of the four of them likes to travel. They are home bodies. I dont know why, but thats who they are. You cant change your kids personalities to suit you.

TooGoodToGoto · 20/05/2025 10:48

AnonymousBleep · 20/05/2025 10:08

Disneyland is tacky and dull. I don't know why everyone on MN is so obsessed with it. We took my kids when they were little just to see what the hype was about (as we were travelling through anyway) and they were completely 'meh.' Not all kids are the same and I should think the OP knows what her child might enjoy better than randoms on MN.

Most 3/4 year olds would not agree with you!

Clipsy2121 · 20/05/2025 10:48

OP, you sound amazing and your daughter’s done so, so well. She’s just tired out and ready for home now. Nothing wrong with that - I feel like that after a longer holiday and I’m nearly 40!

She’s lucky to have such an adventurous, confident and fun mum. You’re not a shit parent in the slightest.

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 20/05/2025 10:49

Don't beat yourself up about this. We can't always know what our children will like. We're all just feeling our way as we go along. If you never tried anything new with them they 'd live a very restricted life.

A few days ' homesickness won't have a long term effect. She's had some fantastic experiences but won't easily remember them at her age. To get the most out of it, can you do a picture book when you get back, so she gets lots of praise from others about what a big / adventurous / brave girl she was to do something so grown up? And lots of validation of her feelings now, while praising her for what she's doing.

AnonymousBleep · 20/05/2025 10:49

Sortumn · 20/05/2025 10:43

Yeah. I was disappointed that my kids disliked Disney world. Too busy, noisy and too many queues. They asked to go to a normal park with swings and slides instead.

I guess if you really love Disney and cheesy Americana, it's fun. My daughter got blanked by Scar who strode past her and ignored her waving at him (well at least he was in character, I suppose). The rides are a bit tame with long queues and the food is an absolute rip-off. I just thought it was massively naff but each to their own.

BakPain · 20/05/2025 10:51

Disney is shit - but my 4 year old would disagree with me. Take the kid somewhere child orientated, even if it’s just for one day!