AIBU to feel weird about my exDH and my best friend?

[GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou]

I left the family home a couple of months ago. We’re doing 50/50 with the kids while trying to sort out divorce plans, housing, and all the usual mess. My exDH doesn’t want to separate and keeps trying to convince me to come back. I’ve been clear I’m done.

My best friend of over 20 years has been pretty quiet through all this. She did offer for me to come stay at different points, but hasn’t really engaged as much as normal over the past few months. Last week I started opening more chat and sharing more and she responded more. We’ve been trying to find a time to meet, but it hasn’t worked out yet.

Then she messaged to say she’s been talking to exDH and they were planning to meet up for a drink. She told me the day before. I said I felt uncomfortable, not demanding she cancel, just said I felt weird that she and I hadn’t even managed to meet yet. She ended up cancelling the drink with him.
He got annoyed at me, saying he “just wanted to talk to another adult” and that it wasn’t about our situation, just general chat and support. I got upset—not because I want to control anything, but because I miss my friend and hadn’t even managed to see her myself. I’m not stopping them being friends, I just wanted to see her first.

Then I found out they’ve been messaging each other a lot more than she’s been messaging me. And the next day, exDH messaged to say he’d sorted it out—she was going to come see me on Wednesday, and he would drive her 30+ minutes to my house, drop her off, then go home. All very thoughtful, apparently.
They both seem to think it was a lovely gesture. But I think it’s weird. He’s still not responded to basic questions about his living plans or the kids’ setup post-transition, but he’s somehow got time to coordinate my social life?
They were always a bit overly friendly, but I never felt off about it until now. Now I can’t tell if I’m being suspicious or finally seeing something that was always there.

AIBU to feel this crosses a line and is just…odd?

So she hasn t been able to find time to meet up with you( herBF) but can find time message/ chat/ arrange a car ride/ drink with your ex husband.???
Sounds like they may be plotting something.
If not fancying each other...are the trying to get you to change your mind and persuade/ manipulate you to return home to ex husband.
Her and her husband may be missing company of their pals( you and ex h)
You're split could be impacting as they ve lost their pals ???

Having a different opinion from a handful of MN posters at this time of the day means absolutely nothing 😂

It’s not a handful, it’s the overwhelming majority. I think if I had the complete opposite opinion to every single other poster on a thread I’d reflect on my opinion. Either way, I’m glad I’m not your friend if you think that’s the way a friend behaves.

I feel for you

You left him and don't want to persue the relationship any further, so you have zero rights to control who he sees

Your friend however is acting pretty low. This would upset me. There's enough people in the world that you don't have to go with your friends ex partners.

It is weird, she isn't much of a friend by the sound of it.

I wouldn t trust her.
I would make an excuse and cancell the meeting

Be interesting to see what transpires in the near future.
She s making more effort for you ex husband than you...red flag!!!!
Not your best friend at all

You got two foxes in your henhouse.
wise up and ship em both out pronto.

I think the fact you said she and he have always been " overly friendly" says it all.

It sounds almost as though she maintained her supposed close friendship with you to enable her and him to develop their friendship.
The fact you think her marriage isn't in a good place feeds into this feeling she is looking for something more than friendship from him.

What you do know for certain is she hasn't been there for you in your marriage breakup.

I definitely think you should no longer regard her as a friend.
And I honestly think you should do her DH the favour of letting him know just how friendly she is with your stbxh.

”I don’t want to control anything, I just want to see her first”. Uhm..ooookay …..

As for him being a snake, well I couldn’t pin that solely on him when she was so keen to meet him behind your back that she ghosted you until you pushed her to meet up. She sounds just as devious and untrustworthy.

This is bizarre! She's either your friend or his?!!! I'd wonder if she wants to be with him and is planning on leaving her husband. Think I'd step back from the pair, and move forward with the divorce.

She's not your friend anymore, clearly.

Definitely. She’ll be straight round to the Ex telling him everything OP said.

I would be very upset. The ultimate betrayal from both of them.
It would help me to cut them off with no regret. Fuck them. 💐

posters on MN jumping with glee at the idea of bitching about OW, potential OW, suspected OW.. What a surprise. Sometimes not being in the majority on a thread on this forum is a compliment.

Whether she’s the OW or not, her behaviour to op is appalling. That’s what me and most other posters are saying. The fact you’re defending her makes me strongly suspect you’ve done this to someone who called you a friend at some point.

They never met up just them before although it wouldn't have bothered me back then, I also believe there is the possibility of platonic relationships with members of the opposite sex too.
He does have other friends and they have wives that we know well enough too if he wanted a female opinion.
Although now it does make me wonder if they ever did meet up together before but I can't find out easily.

he may be using her to get you to change your mind but that fact that she's obviously been pulling away from you in your time of need and has ramped up messaging with your dh is the red flag.

there is no reason for you best mate male or female to offering a supportive shoulder to your ex unless they were friends before.

cannot believe people are acting as if it isn't snakey and weird.

Well if they weren’t actually friends before it’s not appropriate or helpful of either of them to choose now off all times to get close to each other (even in a platonic way) just when you’re trying to separate from him!

I had a devious ex that did this to keep an eye on what I did after we broke up and he even managed to get a mutual (male) friend to set up a dinner party that he was going to be at and invite me along.

Either way it’s upsetting if your best friend isn’t there for you. Perhaps time to have a frank conversation about it? Maybe there’s some sort of good reason, but if she can’t provide one and is being evasive or denies her lack of support etc, I’d want to step back and limit what I tell her.

"unpleasant " - I think thats a bit of an understatement, either that or you and I have VERY DIFFERENT definitions of what constitutes a best friend of 20 yrs.

"Falling for a friend you've known for 20 yrs" - yes your best friends husband! You know that person because your BEST FRIEND is/was married to them. The person who has been your best friend for 20yrs...

Maybe i just have different standards or boundaries to you, but I'd never even consider my best friends husband as a potential partner. I'd not even look at them in any sexualised way whatsoever, because they are quite simply off limits. If a friends husband started flirting wothbme they'd be shut down and told in no uncertain terms to fuck right off. I'd definitely not "fall for them"

Are people scared their own husband will leave them for one of their friends? No because I don't associate with anyone (like you) who would even consider my husband as fair game, even if we split up.

Completely agree @toomuchfaff and there’s just way too many men in this world to excuse ending up with their friends ex husband let alone a best friends exH.

It would be the epitome of selfishness on both parts. I would no longer regard such a person as my friend if they behaved that way and I’d wonder how long they had their eye on each other.

Not to mention how any kids would be affected. I’ve seen the damage it wreaks on children when “aunty” (mums best pal) turns into stepmum/dad’s girlfriend.

If you want to be smart about it, tell her he’s been begging to get back together. Show her the messages. He won’t like that, and neither will she.

I would tell her that you have given this more thought and are not prepared to pretend you are ok with this. That it feels weird and incestuous and boundary crossing and that he is going out of his way to "steal" her from you to hurt you and that she shouldnt fall for it.

Then sleep with his best friend, brother and dad.

You could tell her you are reconsidering the divorce as he’s been telling you how much he loves you and wants it to work. Ask for her advice and see what she says. If she encourages you to stay together her intentions with your ex are probably honourable and she’s just feeling stuck in the middle. If she says you should get divorced then likely she’s lining him up for herself!

Well that escalated quickly @Branleuse 😂