AIBU to feel weird about my exDH and my best friend?

[GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou]

I left the family home a couple of months ago. We’re doing 50/50 with the kids while trying to sort out divorce plans, housing, and all the usual mess. My exDH doesn’t want to separate and keeps trying to convince me to come back. I’ve been clear I’m done.

My best friend of over 20 years has been pretty quiet through all this. She did offer for me to come stay at different points, but hasn’t really engaged as much as normal over the past few months. Last week I started opening more chat and sharing more and she responded more. We’ve been trying to find a time to meet, but it hasn’t worked out yet.

Then she messaged to say she’s been talking to exDH and they were planning to meet up for a drink. She told me the day before. I said I felt uncomfortable, not demanding she cancel, just said I felt weird that she and I hadn’t even managed to meet yet. She ended up cancelling the drink with him.
He got annoyed at me, saying he “just wanted to talk to another adult” and that it wasn’t about our situation, just general chat and support. I got upset—not because I want to control anything, but because I miss my friend and hadn’t even managed to see her myself. I’m not stopping them being friends, I just wanted to see her first.

Then I found out they’ve been messaging each other a lot more than she’s been messaging me. And the next day, exDH messaged to say he’d sorted it out—she was going to come see me on Wednesday, and he would drive her 30+ minutes to my house, drop her off, then go home. All very thoughtful, apparently.
They both seem to think it was a lovely gesture. But I think it’s weird. He’s still not responded to basic questions about his living plans or the kids’ setup post-transition, but he’s somehow got time to coordinate my social life?
They were always a bit overly friendly, but I never felt off about it until now. Now I can’t tell if I’m being suspicious or finally seeing something that was always there.

AIBU to feel this crosses a line and is just…odd?

Why wouldn't we be allowed? It means disreputable and sleazy. What do you think it means?

Probably showing ignorance but why not?

It’s fair enough you feel weird about it but there’s nothing you can do about it.

You need to step away from the friendship and let them, um, get on with it.

My exDH doesn’t want to separate and keeps trying to convince me to come back. I’ve been clear I’m done.

fair enough, but then IF they are getting together, they are not really doing anything wrong are they. (unless it suddenly comes out they've been sleeping together for years).

It kind of make sense friends, who have a lot in common, can be attracted by the same man/ woman.

As long as nothing happened until now, she's not doing anything wrong. Neither is he, you are the one who left.

It might be difficult to keep a friendship, but that's life. You can't break up but then disagree with your ex to redo his life. It's a risk for her, she might be a rebound girl, or she might be the one. Who knows. But that's not your problem anymore.

20yrs she been your friend and now she’s messaging/chafing to your ex dh

she is not a friend

On the positive side of things, ex partners are a lot easier to deal with they have the distraction of a new relationship, and you can use your friend as a go between when you can’t be bothered arguing with your ex directly. You also already know the woman who will be looking after your kids. I don’t want to sound mercenary but there are a lot of benefits here

What a bitch & what a piece of shit he is. How horribly hurtful at a time you really need your friend. I’d find it hard not to let them both know how they’ve let you down & betrayed you. And then move on. Easier said but ghost her out & try to focus on the bits you can do with regard to your ex. You’re well shot of them OP.

I thought it was taboo but if it’s ok to use that word, I’ll apply it with relish on several other threads.

I agree as to the meaning but thought it was banned. There are quite a few situations on MN to which it would apply.

She’s no friend. I’d block her on everything immediately and let him know if he wants to stay amicable with you he needs to do the same. She isn’t his friend. She’s a creep swooping in.

Why would it be banned? It's not an insult directed at another poster.

Oh I don't know. I'm an old crusty, we were the original skanks 🤣.

I thought you were going to tell me it was racist.

I'm always happy to be educated. I'm not so skanky now, but I do have an awfully scabby scalp - non crusty related. Well... I'm just talking myself into sounding like an old scuzzy.

Skanky = dirty/filthy... Morality and friendship wise in this sense. Skanky behaviour.

This exact scenario happened to me and it emerged that best friend and Exdh had been having an affair for two years. Be careful Op. I hope I am wrong as it’s a whole new world of pain.

This happened to me and they got together 😭.

It’s a safe bet this will happen.

Are you the best friend?

Better to say nothing and cancel the meet up. She’s clearly untrustworthy so there is no reason to share anything.

OP protect yourself. Neither of them are your friends and you are right to be suspicious. Stay clear of both of them.

Get support from other friends. Your BF is not going to provide it. And you clearly can't trust her not to feed information back to your ex.

Well if he sleeps with her no idea why you would want him back, sounds like he doesn't want to anyway but now you are free of him he can do what he wants iI would leave them to it and get my own life away from the soap opera

That is exttemely dodge and she is out of order.

you need to tell him to stay away from her. Because I can guarantee they will end up in bed together. What best friend wastes time comforting her besties ex. Ridiculous nonsense.

and he obviously can’t manage without a woman around to perceive him and his emotions.

gird your loins, because the worst is coming and they might steal your friend group too

I put YABU because it's very clear their communication with each other is more important than your DC's welfare to him and your friendship to her. Take the hint...

My brother split a few months ago (his partner ended it) and her best friend has been relentless. She showed up at his home at like 1am asking if he had any cigarettes, the embarrassment.

Either your friend doesn’t agree with your decision and is siding with him or… she wants that 🍆. Which I suppose in reality isn’t your problem as you can’t dictate what they do.

@beAsensible1 he’s not going to listen to what his exW wants him to do. They’re being shitty but no chance in hell I’d be taking orders from an ex.

She’s not your friend and he will fuck her to get back at you for leaving him. Sorry this has happened to you op.