AIBU to feel weird about my exDH and my best friend?

[GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou]

I left the family home a couple of months ago. We’re doing 50/50 with the kids while trying to sort out divorce plans, housing, and all the usual mess. My exDH doesn’t want to separate and keeps trying to convince me to come back. I’ve been clear I’m done.

My best friend of over 20 years has been pretty quiet through all this. She did offer for me to come stay at different points, but hasn’t really engaged as much as normal over the past few months. Last week I started opening more chat and sharing more and she responded more. We’ve been trying to find a time to meet, but it hasn’t worked out yet.

Then she messaged to say she’s been talking to exDH and they were planning to meet up for a drink. She told me the day before. I said I felt uncomfortable, not demanding she cancel, just said I felt weird that she and I hadn’t even managed to meet yet. She ended up cancelling the drink with him.
He got annoyed at me, saying he “just wanted to talk to another adult” and that it wasn’t about our situation, just general chat and support. I got upset—not because I want to control anything, but because I miss my friend and hadn’t even managed to see her myself. I’m not stopping them being friends, I just wanted to see her first.

Then I found out they’ve been messaging each other a lot more than she’s been messaging me. And the next day, exDH messaged to say he’d sorted it out—she was going to come see me on Wednesday, and he would drive her 30+ minutes to my house, drop her off, then go home. All very thoughtful, apparently.
They both seem to think it was a lovely gesture. But I think it’s weird. He’s still not responded to basic questions about his living plans or the kids’ setup post-transition, but he’s somehow got time to coordinate my social life?
They were always a bit overly friendly, but I never felt off about it until now. Now I can’t tell if I’m being suspicious or finally seeing something that was always there.

AIBU to feel this crosses a line and is just…odd?

Op she is supposed to be your friend yes they will communicate in passing but all the private messaging is odd. I got divorced turned out my ex and bf used to message regularly even when we were together I never knew. I’ve backed off from the friendship. No affair but lots of non friend behaviour. When you go through divorce you will learn who your real friends are. Surely he can find his own friends to message and meet up with. He shouldn’t be organising her to meet you either!

overall it seems fishy

Yes this. Not necessarily they want to or will have sex but she isn’t on your “side”. Although something could develop in the future 👀

how friendly were they with each other before your seperation? Is it only now they are trying to have meet ups without you?

I know with some people they become friends with their friend’s partner.

The OP dumped him, nothing wrong with that, but she's not the one who needs the most support.

We can’t really say that for sure but even if we accept that is the case he needs more support, he can get that support from his own best mate.

Her priority as best friend of 20 years should be to OP surely?

Yes. My so called best friend did this with my ex husband. They have remained friends, nothing ever happened, but she made her choice so (and it took me a while admittedly) I ditched her.

Just because she decided to bring the relationship to an end, does not mean that she needs less support,

I’d say making that very difficult decision is extremely stressful, and people like you judging “she dumped hin@, is one of the reasons why.

Doing the right thing is not always easy.

Sorry OP, this all sounds very upsetting. Like most people, I'd be unhappy with it too.

An alternative perspective is that he wants to get her on his side, in the hope that she can convince you to return/make you think that he's not that bad after all. BUT even with that I'd be extremely pissed off with her entertaining it - it's just not her place to get involved at all. She needs to respectfully keep out of it. She should be there to support you, even if she thinks you're making the wrong call, which could be the reason for her being quiet.

Everyone seems to be heaping the blame on the woman though. I think she's not acting like a great mate but IMO it's the husband who is shady AF. He's the one who made marriage vows. You share children (I think) and are going to be in each others lives for good regardless. Why can't he reach out to his own mates? That comment about wanting to talk to another adult is totally disingenuous. And why does it have to be a drink? Why not a coffee, which is way more platonic, or a walk? His attempts to engineer the situation so that he's driving her to yours are just a weird power play. It all seems a bit manipulative.

💯great advice
She’s no friend @GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou

Your poor Mum, that’s awful. How did she cope, @Thepossibility
What age were you, stuck in the middle ?

I have no idea if they are shagging or just friends.

but he can get support from whoever he wants. Someone who knows the situation, and who has been friends with him for years is a choice that make sense. If you want your wife back, it does make more sense to speak with a common friend who knows her than a friend of his who doesn't, or not much?

If your husband wants to leave you, wouldn't you be tempted to speak with his friend, or a common friend, rather than just your own? They'll know him, and you might hope they will influence him in staying

That's the problem with these situations, her priorities are her friends, it's unfair to expect people to choose but it ends up being that way.

It's pathetic that people can't even meet for a drink because one wants to cry on other shoulder without being insulted and accused of being a snake and all the other charming comments on this thread above.

IMO it's the husband who is shady AF. He's the one who made marriage vows.

in this situation, oh the irony 😂

The lengths people will go to to defend shit behaviour from a woman.

If the OP is worried that something has been going on all along, it's not ironic at all. His behaviour is odd.

not as much as the lengths people will go to attack and make everything a woman's fault.

Nobody knows whether op’s husband and her best friend are shagging. What we do know is that she’s abandoned her best friend of 20 years at an incredibly difficult time of her life (despite your assertions that the party to chooses to leave doesn’t need support) in favour of supporting her stb ex.

Shit behaviour in everyone’s eyes - except yours apparently.

Ouch! I don’t know the circumstances of your divorce but regardless having a best friendship breakup as part of that - even if it was later down the road must’ve been awful .

I had a friend like that in my 20s, she had known me since age 11 but wanted to play both sides when I was treated poorly by a guy she barely knew but seemed to really want a friendship with. I saw her do the same with others too, because of that and other reasons I ditched her.

I could definitely see her doing what your ex-bestie did.

You are right, it is normal. But you cant control someone else's happiness.

And she's obv not a good friend, so good riddance! Probs had her eye on him for a while, which is yuck.

Blooming good job you dont want him anymore!!

She is not your friend, friends don't behave like this.

If your husband wants to leave you, wouldn't you be tempted to speak with his friend, or a common friend, rather than just your own? They'll know him, and you might hope they will influence him in staying

In that scenario if my STBXH is uncomfortable with the arrangement, as tempting as it may seem it’s hardly going to endear me to him so no I’d steer clear of his friends and not want to drive a wedge between them.

The only exception is maybe if I had developed a separate friendship with them over the years. and have always hung out individually without spouse but it doesn’t seem like this here.

FWIW I actually don’t think they are having sex but regardless I think it’s inappropriate and unwise if he is doing this as a ploy to get back with his wife. It will only upset/annoy her by the sounds of it and put her best friend in a bad position.

I could maybe understand more from OPs best friends POV if they were both her close friends, but it sounds as if only OP is her close friend and she’s at best just “friendly” with the STBXH, therefore she shouldn’t be entertaining this if it makes her best friend uncomfortable.

He should speak to his own friends or family for support rather than potentially contributing towards the demise of his ex’s best friendships at a time where she does need support from her.

99% chance they have already been having an affair, sorry op 💐

I am not 12 years old, so I don't believe you abandon your friend because you speak with their ex. I don't believe it's necessary to completely block a friend out of your life to support your other friend, their ex partner.

It's funny. When a man breaks up his marriage to go into a relationship with the OW, it's always the woman's fault.

When it's the woman who breaks up the marriage, it somehow still ends up becoming another woman's fault!

Op has clearly stated she has heard very little from her friend since the end of her marriage - a time when you need a good friend the most. On the other hand, she has been in very regular contact with op’s husband.

Honestly it’s wild you’re defending this behaviour. The fact that you’re a lone voice in this must tell you something.

Does he not have his own friends that could support him? I wouldn’t be happy about this either and I’d be thinking she’s a pretty crap friend.

You left him a few months ago
He didn't want you to go, according to you
And now you want to have some say in his personal life?
YABU