AIBU to feel weird about my exDH and my best friend?

[GooglePenguinBollardsIDareYou]

I left the family home a couple of months ago. We’re doing 50/50 with the kids while trying to sort out divorce plans, housing, and all the usual mess. My exDH doesn’t want to separate and keeps trying to convince me to come back. I’ve been clear I’m done.

My best friend of over 20 years has been pretty quiet through all this. She did offer for me to come stay at different points, but hasn’t really engaged as much as normal over the past few months. Last week I started opening more chat and sharing more and she responded more. We’ve been trying to find a time to meet, but it hasn’t worked out yet.

Then she messaged to say she’s been talking to exDH and they were planning to meet up for a drink. She told me the day before. I said I felt uncomfortable, not demanding she cancel, just said I felt weird that she and I hadn’t even managed to meet yet. She ended up cancelling the drink with him.
He got annoyed at me, saying he “just wanted to talk to another adult” and that it wasn’t about our situation, just general chat and support. I got upset—not because I want to control anything, but because I miss my friend and hadn’t even managed to see her myself. I’m not stopping them being friends, I just wanted to see her first.

Then I found out they’ve been messaging each other a lot more than she’s been messaging me. And the next day, exDH messaged to say he’d sorted it out—she was going to come see me on Wednesday, and he would drive her 30+ minutes to my house, drop her off, then go home. All very thoughtful, apparently.
They both seem to think it was a lovely gesture. But I think it’s weird. He’s still not responded to basic questions about his living plans or the kids’ setup post-transition, but he’s somehow got time to coordinate my social life?
They were always a bit overly friendly, but I never felt off about it until now. Now I can’t tell if I’m being suspicious or finally seeing something that was always there.

AIBU to feel this crosses a line and is just…odd?

Your DH just wants to speak to another adult? So does he not have 1 single friend in the whole world to talk to? Just your best mate? Sounds very unlikely. I wouldn't be entertaining the idea of him facilitating the meeting with your friend, thst is just bloody weird. I'm sorry but it sounds like your friend is going to target your DH and the 'drink' was a date. She's no friend and they would both be getting both barrels from me. I'd be letting them know what I thought of them and stop all the nonsense

Err because youre married? And thats your BFFs STBXH?

2 pretty good reasons to keep it in your pants and not "fall for someone"

You don't "fall for someone" when its your best friend for 20yrs husband. Even if they have now split up.

Well normal people don't. Glad I'm not friends with your kind of person.

So he is bringing her round to see you on Wednesday,think she may have something to tell you . Good luck

She's working on changing his mind!

she's forgotten her husband too, it's not just you.

tell her not to bother coming around & tell him you're not a toddler who needs play dates facilitated.

you'll find support from the most unlikely people!

sorrg your bestie turned out to be a crap human being xx

it's weird to see it that way. I don't disagree it's unpleasant for the ex, but falling for a friend you've known for years is not that outrageous. They are both technically still married, but the OP has left her husband. Who knows the state of the marriage of her friend, she might be in the same situation.

Are people scared their own husband will leave them for one of their friends?

Or maybe someone you have known for years is actually a friend, and they can talk because the best friend knows all the details, and the husband doesn't feel like sharing his private life with everybody else!

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨

You’re not being unreasonable.
She bloody is though.

Do you think your friend is attracted to your DH, OP?

perhaps she is trying to swoop in, or perhaps she is someone who likes being centre of it all. I used to have a friend who behaved in the bizarre way whenever there was a drama: she had to involve herself and be seen as some sort of saviour. her father-in-law and his wife split up: she’d barely spoken to the wife over the years, but suddenly she was texting her, going to see her and being an amazing support. She didn’t do it because she’s a good person, she did it so she could tell everybody else how amazing she was and how grateful the ex-wife was. She did the same thing when her cousin and his wife split up: even though the wife had had an affair, she was sending her gifts, offering her support…

it’s difficult to explain: she just likes to be able to tell everybody, oh I’m privy to all the information, and they are so grateful for my support.

Is your friend like this? I actually don’t see this person anymore because she would prioritise drama with people she was barely connected to rather than seeing me.

More to point, does her husband know she is offering this support to your ex…does he know she’s spending time on supporting him not you..

Agree.
The MN default is that men are one dimensional and only ever after sex from wherever they can get it. Possibly in some cases, not in all. But she cannot be friend to both during this phase.

So you dont want him anymore, but dont want him to happy with someone else?

Thanks all for the input. I could get over it if they did date at some point if she wasn’t with her husband. It is the loss of support and the way they are acting about it all that hurts.
She does like supporting and helping everyone normally 🤷🏻‍♀️
I said no way to the meet up organised by exDH and made it clear to him that he cannot organise my social life.
I will have a think about what I will do about the other meet up as I’m very unsure how to go forward with this.
Not very much sleep last night and odd dreams when I did make it.

Even the most relaxed person would find it odd that, the first time your good friend sees you after you’ve gone through a break up, your ex gives them a lift.

Pretty tactless, whatever she thinks about the impending divorce.

"He got annoyed at me, saying he “just wanted to talk to another adult” - And your supposed best friend is the only one that he knows? Bullshit

H I would be asking her husband how do you feel about this because I feel a bit weird I bet he doesn't have any clue. She's not a friend

This happens so bloody often that it's becoming a trope.

Happened to a friend of mine. Her best friend of 18 years and her ex husband now have a mortgage and a baby together. Took just 3 months after the separation.

How these women listen the all the issues over the years, all his flaws and their best friend's frustrations with their marriage and think, yep! That prince is the ONE FOR ME, I just don't know. It's a bit sickening.

Anyway, OP, your friend is trying to have an affair with your ex husband, and she's no friend of yours.

They think ‘he’ll be different with me’. They never are.

But she's been very noticably unsupportive and withdrawn from you throughout the whole thing? I could never get past this. If you're still planning on seeing her, just why? She is an awful friend. But I think you're very understandably focusing on the separation and conserving your energy for that for now, rather than getting into a confrontation with the friend. I think further down the line you will see this for the betrayal it is.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Yeah, sorry OP, it sounds like she has her eye on him. As long as you're sure about wanting a divorce, I'll guess you'll just have to let it play out. You don't have to keep being her friend though if it feels too weird.

If there's nothing going on between them, then I'd say she disapproves of your actions and has chosen her 'side'.

You can't be certain, but... yeah, if I was OP I'd be going to bestie and make it quite clear "you are my best friend. I want you in my life, you are the person who I can talk to about anything. If you want to shag my ex, or if you think you can support us both emotionally we are done, sorry."

She doesn’t sound like much of a best friend to me.

(1) It is normal not to want to see your ex jump to new found love and happiness immediately.

(2) It is normal to want to be able to rely on the emotional support of your best friend, and know she is not supporting or shagging your ex

What an absolute snake your friend is. I’d cut my loses and walk away from her. No real friend would meet for a drink with their newly separated friends ex. Let them get on with it, hold your head up high and, focus on your children ❤️

I certainly wouldn’t be discussing anymore about the marriage or separation with her. Who knows what she’s telling him. I don’t think I could trust either of them.

I don't believe that people of the opposite gender can't be platonic friends - but I also believe this is super shady and they are definitely either sleeping together or about to. She was your friend and should be on your side just now but she's ignoring you. I'd drop everything if my friend was separating and bring allll the wine. The fact that it's been quite a while and she hasn't prioritised you means a lot - actually even without sleeping with your ex it's weird.